


Darkest Before Dawn

by JennaLee



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Dirty Talk, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Polyamory Negotiations, Serious Injuries, Smut, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:29:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 82,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9279992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaLee/pseuds/JennaLee
Summary: Hidden and repressed feelings come to the surface when a catastrophic accident makes Arin and Dan realize how fleeting life can be.





	1. i.

It wasn’t like the movies. He didn’t see his life flash before his eyes or anything. There just wasn’t enough _time_. It all happened so fast. 

It felt like being hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. That was how Dan would describe it to the countless people who asked him later. First there was the impact, knocking the breath from his lungs. After the blow, like thunder after a flash of lightning, he heard the sharp report explode in both of his ears. If he had time to guess what had just happened, he would have said that he’d been hit by a car. He did not know that there was a small ragged hole in the right side of his chest, the edges burnt black by the hot metal. 

Dan didn’t remember falling. He’d been thrown back so hard that his body couldn’t process what had happened - or maybe he briefly blacked out. All he knew was that suddenly he was looking straight up at the sky. When things started to become blurry, Dan closed his eyes and tried to breathe. He smelled or tasted something sharp and distinct and metallic and thought he might have bitten his tongue. 

When he opened them again it was like waking up from a dream. Everything that had just happened was right there in his mind, only the details were fuzzy and just out of his reach. All he did know was that something was very, very wrong. 

_Arin,_ he tried to say. _Barry. Ross. Brian… Arin?_

Somehow his earbud had stayed in and _Limelight_ kept playing on. The sound was oddly tinny and faint. It was dark. How could it be dark, when it had just been so light? Dan tried so hard to focus. His hair was in his face, in his eyes, and he wasn’t able to reach up and brush it away. Then the earbud fell out and sound rushed in at him from all directions; hysteria, crying, screams, the low horrified murmur of shocked spectators. 

“Arin?” The name took a lot of effort to get out. Dan felt the first icy coils of panic winding around his chest, binding him tight. Everything around his chest felt tight. His breathing was shallow and raspy. There was no pain yet, but some part of him knew it was coming and was already dreading it. 

“Dan, oh, God. Danny - fuck. Danny. Look at me.” That couldn’t be Arin’s voice - it sounded nothing like him. So shaky and faint. A clammy hand reached out and brushed Dan’s hair to the side, and then he could dimly see Arin’s familiar silhouette beside him - no, above him - 

Dan remembered that he was lying on the ground. That was funny. His lips twitched. Lying on the ground in Jersey, in the snow and slush and wet cigarette butts, what on earth is he doing? Arin was probably going to laugh at him and tell him to stop being such a big dummy. It was weird, though, that the wet snow beneath his back was so warm. The wetness was seeping all around his middle, soaking through his shirt and making his stomach feel all tacky. At the center of the wetness, something felt either intensely hot or intensely cold. He studied Arin’s face as best as he could, searching for answers, until the urge to sleep took over and he closed his eyes again.

Arin let out a noise like there was something stuck in his throat. “Hey, come on. Danny, god, Danny. Look at me. Don’t leave me, just hang on. You’re gonna be alright, man, it’s okay. There’s an ambulance coming. You’re gonna be okay.”

Someone was kneeling by his head, bending down to press their ear to his mouth. Who was that? Barry. It was Barry. “I think he’s breathing. Yeah. Yeah, not very much, but it’s there. Fuck, fuck, oh fuck. This can’t be fucking happening.”

Behind Arin and Barry, there were other voices Dan didn‘t recognize. The bystanders and horrified witnesses creeping closer and talking to each other excitedly. Dan caught bits and pieces but his increasingly floaty head could not take them all in. 

“Is he dead?”

“His eyes are open!”

“They should tell him to keep them that way. Like, don’t go to sleep. ”

“What good does that do? Isn’t that just for concussions?”

“We need to - ”

“Somebody grab - ”

“I called 911.”

“So did I.”

“He’s going to die anyway, just look at him.”

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” Ross nearly screamed, and Ross may have been a devious little shit but he never spoke to anyone like that. “What are you doing? Get back! Fuck, just - get back, get the fuck away from him! Don’t crowd him!”

Ross’s accent was so strong. That happened sometimes when he was especially upset. 

“Keep it together, guys. We need to focus.” Danny felt a sense of relief when he realized Brian was there. Brian sounded like himself, and it was comforting. “Danny, hey, can you hear us? Can you look at me?”

Nobody was helping him up. Dan wanted to stand up now since they wouldn’t let him sleep. It was wet and cold down on the ground. Brian’s question seemed unimportant. When he tried to move, his limbs would not obey, and it was making him anxious. His whole body was shivering so hard that he couldn’t move an inch. Brian would tell him what was going on, right? Dan’s eyes moved jerkily around the faces hovering about him until he zeroed in on Brian’s.

“That’s good, Dan, now listen to me. You have to stay still, okay? You’re going to be okay. Just keep still. Guys, I need your help.“

“Anything,” Barry said faintly, and Arin nodded fervently.

“Keep him warm,” Brian instructed, and something pleasantly soft was draped over his legs. Arin’s coat was laid across his upper body, followed by the thick hooded sweatshirt he’d had on underneath. Dan closed his eyes, briefly comforted by its scent. Someone else put a blanket or another coat over his legs. Dan didn’t feel warm, exactly, but the bite of the winter wind was definitely dulled.

“Where are they? There’s no fucking traffic, why aren’t they here yet?”

“It can’t be much longer.” Brian had his hands on Dan’s chest. “They’ll be here soon. There’s not much else we can do. I can put pressure on it, but there’s already so much - fuck. Guys, talk to him, look, he’s still awake - get him to try and stay with us, and maybe get him to look away while I - ”

“Hey, hey. Hey, Danny, it’s us. It’s Arin. And Barry, and Brian. Ross is right behind you.” Arin stroked his hair and Dan, fading fast, could only roll his head to the side a little bit to keep his friend in view. “We all need you to stay awake for us. Stay awake until the paramedics come. You’re gonna be alright, baby, you have to be okay. You fucking have to. Come on, Dan, stay with us.”

Arin was crying. Dan had seen him cry before - he was open about being in touch with his feelings - but this was different than crying from being overwhelmed with work or anxious about a mistake he had made. This was Arin losing control. Dan was good and scared now, make no mistake. His mouth opened and his lips tried to form words. All he could manage was a groan. He was holding on so hard, trying not to fall into the abyss that he sensed was waiting for him. It was like he was sliding in and out of reality and the most frightening thing was how tempted he was to give in if it would make the pain and terror and hurt go away. 

Dan whimpered, choked on spit, and coughed painfully. Warmth splattered down his chin and someone made a low moan of terror.

Barry put an arm around Arin’s shoulder, his own face sheet-white behind his beard, and Arin looked at him desperately.

“Fuck, Barry, I’m going to pass out.”

“Don’t. Breathe. We need you. Dan needs you. Breathe, Arin, come on.”

“He’s right.” Brian’s voice was curt. “This is gonna be rough.”

Dan whimpered again as Brian‘s hands touched his chest. “No,” he tried to say loudly. “No. Don’t.” His heartbeat sped up and his body instinctively prepared for what was about to happen. The unbearable discomfort turned into a biting pain, then a searing agony, and then when Brian leaned forward and used his weight to press against the wound, there was no word to describe the feeling that came next.

Dan’s throat felt like it was ripping as he screamed, he couldn’t help it. The pain was so bright it blotted out all other conscious thought. If he could move, he’d be thrashing and kicking. With the pain came strong, overwhelming nausea and Dan tasted the acidic burn of vomit in the back of his throat. His next scream was cut short by a gag. But the liquid that came out of his mouth wasn’t vomit - it was rusty and metallic. His body gathered the last of its strength to twist and struggle against Brian’s relentless pressure.

“Arin.” Brian’s voice, rough but still steady. “Help me hold him. Keep telling him to be still, if he can.”

“Dan, hey.” Arin’s voice, already faint, was barely audible. He put a steadying hand on Dan’s face. “Keep still for us. You gotta stay still. Don’t move, Danny. Can you hear me? Don‘t move.”

“I don’t think he can hear us.” That was Ross again. “I’ll - I’ll help. I’ll hold him. I want to help.”

Dan could hear, he just didn’t care. The wave of pain crested, then receded slightly, granting Dan a moment of numb respite. He gulped a breath of air. “Brian,” he pleaded as he exhaled. “Brian, it hurts. You’re - hurting me - please, B- Bri. _Brian_.”

“Fuck, oh fuck. Danny, I’m sorry. I’m trying to help. I love you, Dan, okay?” Brian was bent down over him, and now Dan wanted to cry too, because that wasn’t something Brian ever said to him so directly, like it was the last fucking thing that he’d ever get to tell him. 

Arin was touching his face again. Arin was saying, “Don’t fucking leave us, Dan, not like this. What the fuck am I supposed to do without you?”

 _Oh, God, I’m scared,_ Dan thought, and then, without any dramatic flash of memory, _God, I’ve been_ shot.

Brian was only trying to help slow the bleeding. It was probably pointless. Dan didn’t see how he wasn’t dead already. Maybe the bullet didn’t hit his heart, but Dan wasn’t sure how it could miss a lung or something else extremely important. There was blood in his mouth and it was coming from inside of him.

 _I love you too,_ he wanted to say to Arin, and Brian, and Barry and Ross too. _I love all of you._

But the pain was making everything so foggy, and it was getting harder and harder to make any coherent noise. 

Suddenly the comforting hands of his friends were yanked away and there was a flurry of noise and commotion. Dan screamed again as his body was jerked, moved, lifted. _No, please, stop moving, it hurts so much to move._

“It’s the paramedics, Dan, they’re gonna help you,” he heard Brian say.

Something covered his nose and mouth, and when he inhaled to scream again he felt some of his anxiety ebb away. Oxygen. God, it was good. He was still whimpering but the sound was muffled. Now, Dan was lying on something much softer than the asphalt of the strip mall parking lot and rolled smoothly up a gentle incline.

For a moment he opened his eyes and searched the sea of faces watching him. His eyes registered Arin, on his knees, the snow in front of him splattered red. 

“Arin,” he croaked, but of course, he was too far away. He looked at the stranger who was feeling for his pulse. _Tell my parents and my sister and all my friends that I love them,_ he wanted to instruct her, but it was too late; he could not move, and his mouth was covered by the oxygen mask, and the stranger was too busy calling curt orders to the other paramedics.

The doors of the ambulance closed, and Dan was left in the bland world of white and grey that smelled of anti-septic and despair.

All background noise ceased. His perception of movement was slowly fading, and the paramedics looked like shadowy wraiths as they moved around his body so quickly, touching and poking and prodding. They’d cut his clothes off. Everybody was talking. Everybody was touching him. Everything hurt. Dan had been struggling all this time to stay awake, and now he just wanted to sleep. Did he even have a chance? Was it worth fighting for?

For the past few minutes, it felt sort of like his whole body was melting and draining out of the hole in his chest. Now came the uncomfortable sensation of being sucked downward very quickly. Through the pain, Dan’s fear grew. 

_Am I dying? Is this it?_

Fuck, if he was dying, he didn’t want to do it here, surrounded by strangers. He would have rather gone surrounded by his friends, nice and quick. He tried to ready himself for the inevitable, thinking that it wouldn’t be so bad, it was just like going to sleep.

He hadn’t said goodbye to anyone. His parents probably didn’t even know what happened yet. Dan himself didn’t really know what actually happened. He’d been having such a good time, all his friends in Jersey with him, having the time of his life showing them all around -

_Oh, God, I’m not ready - not yet, please not yet, I’m too young, there’s so much I have to do, so much I have to say -_

The blackness ate at the edges of his vision until it swallowed him entirely.


	2. ii.

The time that followed Dan’s swift departure was the most surreal experience Arin had ever had. 

He’d fallen to his knees on the ground and needed help getting back on his feet. It took both Barry and Ross to lift him. Now they stood in a circle, looking after the ambulance, the white puffs of their steaming breath rising slowly in the still night. Only Brian had the presence of mind to provide their contact information to the police and give a statement, promising that the others would do the same after they were sure Dan was going to be okay. 

He still couldn’t fathom how suddenly his life had changed. Everything had been normal ten minutes ago. Things had been great - they were taking a short vacation together, heading through Dan’s hometown in Jersey on their way to NYC to see Cirque du Soleil and Book of Mormon on Broadway with Dan’s sister. Brian had been a last-minute addition after Rachel convinced him that he wouldn’t miss any of Audrey’s crucial developmental moments in just a week. Dan had been elated when Brian told him that he was coming too.

After they’d checked into their hotel, the five men decided to set off on foot mid-afternoon to explore the downtown strip. They’d been walking together down a busy street, following Dan, who knew the city well, to a used video game store. Arin was excited to find out that it was every bit as awesome as Dan assured them it would be. They’d all been so relaxed and happy, talking loudly about the games they had just bought and which ones they wanted to play first.

Nobody noticed the two men yelling at each other at the other end of the parking lot. What they were fighting about, Arin would never know, but apparently it escalated pretty quickly. By the time Arin had heard the shouts, a small crowd had stopped to watch what they probably thought was an impending fistfight. Then came the shrill sound of a scream. 

Arin had stopped mid-sentence and turned to look. He heard a woman’s voice, low and clear as she came out of the game store behind them:

“Good Lord, he has a gun.”

There had been no time to think. No time to react. It all happened so fast. 

Arin learned later that there had been four shots fired, but somehow he only heard one. All the noise blurred together into a hellish roar. A bullet did hit the intended victim in the arm, and he had started to run - in their direction. Two shots missed when the attacker fired after him. 

The fourth had hit Dan. 

Now there they stood at the scene of the crime, until the police made them move so they could rope off the area with yellow tape. They all clustered together between the 7-Eleven and the Chinese restaurant, still in stunned silence. _Everything_ was silent. Arin couldn’t hear the cops talking to each other, or the faint music emanating from the restaurant, or the cars roaring by on the busy road.

_Silent as the grave._

Arin’s hands and face were numb with cold but his eyes suddenly burned with tears. He held them back and looked at each of his friends in turn.

Barry held his jacket in his hand, seeming not to feel the frigid wind. The jacket had been covering Dan from the waist down, to keep him warm. The collar and sleeves were splashed with crimson and Barry’s fists were clenched.

Ross looked sheet-white and about ten years younger. Arin had never seen him lose the mischievous sparkle in his eyes. They were wide and glassy and blank now. Like a little boy lost and confused.

Brian stood with his body turned away from them all, his face set like stone. Half of him was in shadow and the other half was reflecting the red light from the neon restaurant sign. He was the only one able to meet Arin’s gaze and give a short, jerky nod.

Arin was barely holding on. His head was pounding and his tongue felt like a dried-up leaf in his mouth. He could not get the image out of his head - Dan falling, the red blossom on his shirt spreading, the brilliant ruby colour glistening on his chin when he coughed up blood all over himself and Arin’s hoodie. Dan looking at him with confusion and mounting terror. The way his eyes kept sliding in and out of focus. Dan screaming in pain, pleading for it to stop.

When he looked at the others, he saw it in their eyes that they kept seeing the same things. None of them could believe what had happened. It didn’t seem possible to have the world turned upside-down in the blink of an eye. 

And why, of all of them, of all the people in this fucking city they should have never come to, why did it have to happen to _Dan_?

“It should have been me,” he said out loud, under his breath. Barry gave him a look of concern, but didn’t speak. He looked green. Arin could understand that. The sight of so much blood could make anyone sick.

“I didn’t know,” Ross was the next one to break the spell of silence. He was blinking rapidly. “I didn’t know there was that much blood in people. It looks - it doesn’t look real. How could…” 

Ross didn’t trail off. He just stopped talking mid-sentence and wobbled a little.

God, they were all out of it, they were all going to stand here going crazy and nobody was going to _do_ anything about it. Arin looked to Brian, who had kept his cool so well before Dan was taken away.

Brian’s chest was rising up and down rapidly. He’d been strong for a long time, relatively speaking, but it was getting to him now.

“Brian,” Arin said quietly. Brian’s emotions ran deep - he wasn’t the asshole he pretended to be - and Arin was worried for him. 

“He told me to stop hurting him,” Brian answered, oddly toneless. “I didn’t stop. I was making him hurt worse. What if that was the last thing I ever did to him?”

Ross made a startled movement. 

“He’s not going to die,” Barry said. 

“He got shot in the _chest_ ,” Ross retorted shrilly. “That’s not exactly a minor flesh wound.”

Barry’s eyes narrowed. “I know that. I saw it too, okay?” he shot back. “I’m trying to be positive, man. Otherwise I’m going to pass the fuck out.” 

“What if he - what if I could have done more? Maybe I should have tried something else first.” Brian was talking to himself now, angrily. “I thought I was doing the right thing. But what the fuck do I know?”

Ross was shaking like a leaf. Barry looked like he regretted his harsh tone and tried to put an arm around his shoulders. Ross shrugged it off and hunched in on himself. 

Arin bore down with all the strength he had. A few minutes ago, Brian had taken charge. Brian had gotten them this far. Now somebody else had to step up and keep everything from falling apart completely. They had to be there for each other, for Dan’s sake. They needed to keep busy and work together or else they’d all go insane.

“Guys,” he said. Then, louder: “Guys!”

When everyone was looking at him, Arin cleared his throat. “We need a game plan. We’re not going to stand here with our thumbs up our butts. We’re going to the hospital. That’s a given. We should be there for Dan when he wakes up.”

“Our cars,” Ross said, a little bleakly. “They’re all the way back at the - ”

“We’re going to call an Uber,” Arin replied. “ _I’m_ going to call an Uber. We’ll all go together. Then we don’t have to worry about the parking fees at the hospital. Suzy and Holly can meet us there, and they can drive us back to the hotel after we know Dan’s okay. ”

“Right, okay.” Ross was beginning to look a little more present, Arin was glad to see. “While we’re waiting, we should call Dan’s parents.”

Arin nodded. “Who has the number?” 

Brian shoved a hand into his pocket and pulled out a familiar phone case that Arin recognized immediately. “I grabbed this out of his pocket, before they took him,” he said. “Thought it might be a good idea.” 

Thank god for Brian. “Call his mom first, and then call Dana. And listen, Barry - ” Arin held out his hand. “Stop looking at the blood, you’re going to puke. Give me that jacket.”

Barry handed it to him, looking slightly impressed. Ross stood a little straighter and steadier. Even Brian gave Arin a look of respect before he turned away, holding Dan’s phone to his ear. Arin didn’t feel like he deserved it, after the way he’d fallen apart during the time it mattered most. He folded the jacket in a way that hid the blood and shoved it under his arm and then took out his own phone to order their Uber.

“Less than five minutes,” he told them. “Let’s go stand right in front of the 7-Eleven sign so he’ll see us.”

For this first time Arin became aware of what was going on around them. Now that the ambulance and cops had gone and there was no more to see, the crowd of onlookers and rubberneckers began to thin. Some remained, talking excitedly on their phones and pointing out the bloodstains splashed on the dirty snow. One asshole even snapped a picture. Arin wanted to hit him. _This isn’t a free show. This isn’t a cool story to tell all your friends about tomorrow. That was my best fucking friend in the world, lying there with a bullet in his chest._

“Don’t,” Barry said as Arin made a sudden movement. “I know, man, I know, but don’t. That won’t help.”

“You’re right.” Arin swallowed hard. “Thanks.”

Barry tried to grin reassuringly, but his face was twisting as he struggled to hold himself back. He knew as well as Arin did that crying would only start a chain reaction. They all loved Dan - who could not love Dan?

Instinctively, Arin grabbed for Barry’s hand and held it tightly. Barry looked surprised, but then he extended his other hand to grab onto Ross. Ross didn’t pull away this time. And then Brian was back, and Brian took Ross’s hand, and the four of them stood in a grim and united line, taking strength from each other as the Uber pulled into the parking lot. What the driver thought of it, Arin would never know. Nobody spoke as they pulled away.

They were on their way.

Arin could only hope they’d make it in time to see him, even if it was for the last time.

**

Suzy met Arin at the hospital with a stack of Tupperware containers full of hotel restaurant food and a handful of bags filled with deli sandwiches from the diner a few blocks from the hospital. She took one look at his white, hollow face and passed the food off to Brian. 

“Arin,” she almost whispered. He turned and she was startled to see his eyes - like raw red holes in his face. “Has anything changed? Is he out of surgery yet?”

Arin shook his head. He let her pull him into a quick hug, though his body felt stiff and wooden. 

“How long has it been?” she asked.

“Two hours and seventeen minutes,” he said tersely. “They haven’t told us anything yet. His parents are still in Florida. Brian left a message. With Dan’s phone. We have Dan’s phone. We left a message and we couldn’t tell them much. They haven’t told us anything. They -”

“Shh, baby. Shh. Breathe.” She placed her hands on his shoulders and rubbed soothingly. She could feel the tightness of the muscles beneath the skin, how anxious he was. “It’s going to be okay, Arin.”

“You didn’t see it.” He looked up at her desperately. “You didn’t see it, Suzy, it was so bad. So fucking bad.”

Suzy couldn’t even imagine. When she’d gotten Arin’s call, she had felt like she had taken a blow to the head. What sort of person could hurt Dan? Dan was one of the most lively and sunny people she knew. What sick universe could let this happen? 

She took a moment to glance around the room. Barry was slumped in one of the chairs, conversing quietly with Brian. On the table in front of them, there was already a card full of handwritten messages, waiting to be put in whatever room they put Dan in. Someone else had brought a tray of coffee from the Starbucks down on the main level. Suzy, remembering the bag she was still holding, went over to add her gifts to the pile. She had been to the gift shop already while she was trying to figure out how to get to the waiting room where Arin was and found, by pure chance, a stuffed blue stegosaurus and a red triceratops with white horns. She knew it would make Dan smile. _If he’s still alive…_

She clamped down on that line of thought fast, before it could destroy her resolve. 

“He made it here,” she said to the room in general, her voice full of false confidence, “and he held on, he was still breathing when you guys last saw him and he was even able to talk, right? That’s a good sign.”

“His eyes were tracking,” Brian added. “He could still tell it was us talking to him.”

“Yeah,” Arin breathed, anxious for something to cling to. “Yeah, that’s right. I thought he was dead, when I saw him fall. But he wasn’t. He looked at me, he said my name.”

“He’s strong,” Suzy agreed, letting her husband push his face into her neck. “He’s strong.”

“Where’s Holly?” Arin asked after a minute, his voice muffled against her skin.

“She’s coming too.” Suzy had been out for dinner with Holly when Arin and the others had gone out to check out the used game store in the old strip mall, the one Dan excitedly told them about before they’d left for Jersey. Her phone had been turned off. Arin had tried to call her no fewer than fifteen times. “I think Ross asked her to find a new jacket for Barry. Something about him freezing his ass off because he threw his coat away.”

“It had Dan’s blood all over it,” Arin said. “We had to keep him warm. Brian said. Brian tried to stop the bleeding, but it all came out so fast.”

Suzy shivered and hugged him tightly, feeling awful that she hadn’t been able to come sooner. “If he held on this long, I think he’s going to make it,” she assured him as if she knew what she was talking about. “And when he wakes up, we can give him those stuffed dinosaurs. He’ll love those.”

Arin smiled wanly, noticing them for the first time. “That was a good find.”

“We could also bring him the iPad,” Suzy said. “I bet he’ll be so bored if he has to lay in bed for a long time.” She wanted to make sure Arin’s brain was thinking more along the lines of _when_ Dan woke up, rather than _if_.

“I’ll stay with him,” Arin decided. “You think they’d let me do that? I’m going to stay with him and watch all the movies he’s always wanted me to see.”

“I’m down,” Ross said, coming back from the bathroom down the hall. “I mean, there’s only so many people that can watch something on an iPad, but I’ll sit with you both.”

“We’re just going to have a non-stop party in his room if the nurses let us,” Barry managed to smile, though the strain of doing so was evident.

Nobody wanted to look at the clock. Time was moving so slowly. She could almost hear the noise in her head, the awful rhythmic _tick-tock, tick-tock,_ driving her mad. And she’d only been here for ten minutes. She couldn’t imagine how the boys all felt, having been here so long.

“You should eat something,” she said, looking around the waiting room. “All of you. I brought food.”

Ross took one of the sandwiches, and so did Brian. Arin shook his head. Barry looked at her and just uttered the word, “Can’t.” 

“There’s a vending machine just down the hall,” Suzy said. “Everyone should get a bottle of water and drink it slowly, even if you can’t eat right now.”

Brian saw the sense in that. “I have change. I’ll get them.”

“Thank you, Brian.” She watched him walk away, his shoulders slumped and his head down, looking like he was carrying the weight of the world on his back. She knew she was being a little mother hen, but she felt they needed it. They’d all been through hell. 

For the first time, she realized that it could have been worse, it could have been more of them shot down, it could have been _Arin_ , shot in the head where there was no chance at all to save him. It could have been an automatic weapon that sprayed out so many bullets that the victims bled out right away. Suzy had been too busy worrying about Dan and worrying about the others holding up to realize that she could have well become a widow this very night, at the age of twenty-seven. Her heart seized at the thought and she had to gasp for her next breath. 

Arin leaned against the wall and pulled her against him, his warm eyes searching hers. “You okay, babe?”

 _I’m so glad it wasn’t you,_ she wanted to say, but that was such a selfish and hurtful thought that she began to cry. Dan was one of her best friends, and the bond was even stronger between him and Arin - and deeper and more complicated than they both thought, Suzy knew. Dan was amazing, but Arin was her world, and she was sure that if it was him under the knife right now, she’d probably be going into shock or having a breakdown.

“Don’t, Suzy,” Arin pleaded. “You know I can’t stand it when you cry, baby.”

“You were right there,” she breathed. “Right in the middle of it. Oh, Arin, if I lost you - ”

“You didn’t. I’m here. I’m right here.” 

He cupped her chin to lift her face up to his own, and Suzy shut her eyes, knowing that he was going to kiss each closed lid. She was able to reign it back in except for an occasional sniffle. Her head began to ache with strain, so she leaned it against Arin’s broad chest and listened to his heartbeat to calm herself.

Brian had taken to pacing the small room. Ross had finished his water and was peeling off the label from the bottle. Barry, despite his earlier protest, managed to eat half of a sandwich before sinking into one of the chairs with his eyes closed and his head tipped back.

“Three hours,” Arin muttered after an eternity. 

Suzy might have managed to fall asleep standing up. She wasn’t sure. Maybe time was speeding up. Holly came in at some point and took Ross out of the waiting room for a while. When they came back in, Ross looked far calmer. He had been picking at his nails until they bled, but now his hands were still.

The next time someone spoke, it was Brian. “Four hours,” he said. 

Four hours turned into five, but they had given up counting. Holly took off her sweater and put it on the floor, then sat on top of it and gestured at Ross to join her. He put his head in her lap and curled up like a cat. Barry seemed to be drifting in and out of an uncomfortable sleep. Arin kept trying to read on his phone, but Suzy could tell he couldn’t concentrate. 

“I wish I could sleep,” Arin muttered.

“Yeah, me too. I don’t think it’s happening anytime soon.” Brian took one of the cold coffees and offered the tray around. “Good thing having a kid trained me to stay up all night.” 

Arin, even though he hated coffee, took one and guzzled half of it. Suzy opened a container of coconut rice. She wasn’t hungry, but it was something to do. She passed Arin a fork and he ate several mouthfuls mechanically. 

Another hour passed, just as slow as the last.

Suzy stirred. “I wish they’d tell us something,” she replied in a low voice so as not to disturb the others. Then, more quietly, “They would tell us right away if he…you know. Right?”

Arin nodded and exhaled. “I’m sure they would,” he said automatically. She could tell he didn’t really believe it. They’d been alone in the waiting room for so long that it felt like they’d been forgotten.

Barry stood up. His eyes were small and red. “I might have to go for a walk or something. I’m going to go crazy.”

“Me too,” Holly murmured. She carded her fingers through Ross’s hair and he woke at once.

Brian sighed. “Might be a good idea.”

Arin started to speak, but his eyes widened and his mouth opened in surprise. Suzy whirled, following his gaze. Brian’s chair squeaked as he stood up suddenly.

“Footsteps,” he muttered.

They all fell silent as a figure approached the set of double-doors that led into the surgical wing, a thin redheaded man wearing nurse’s scrubs and holding a clipboard under his left arm. Barry sat down hard and Ross made a little gasp. The doors opened and Suzy winced as Arin squeezed her hand so hard it hurt. She understood his fear.

The nurse looked tired as he gazed at the crowd that stood frozen, waiting for the verdict. He looked at his clipboard and then back at them. “Are you all here waiting for - Leigh Avidan?”

Arin’s lips were parted but he couldn’t speak. Suzy tried her best to be courageous even though her heart had taken up residence in her throat. “Yes,” she said, her high-pitched voice sounding like a little girl’s. “Is he…” 

“He came out of surgery about ten minutes ago, and will be transferred to the ICU within fifteen more minutes,” the nurse told them with a little smile that broke his professional mask. “Of course, he’ll need to stay in intensive care for some time, and there are a number of concerns to look out for, given the extent of his injuries - but the hardest part is over, and the surgeons and the doctor have all agreed that he’ll likely recover just fine.”

Suzy saw Brian’s knees buckle, his relief so strong that he had to fall into the nearest chair. She barely realized that she herself had started to tear up in happiness until she saw her expression perfectly mirrored on Arin’s face. She hugged him, and then she hugged Holly, and then Ross, who she passed off to Arin, and then she somehow ended up crying into Barry’s shoulder while Brian asked the hard questions about recovery and risks. 

“Can we all see him?” Ross cut in immediately, beating Arin to the question. “Is it family only?”

“No, no,” the nurse said, smiling. “While he’s in the ICU, the visits will have to be kept to thirty minutes at a time, and you have to get permission from the nursing director - that’s me, for tonight - or the administrator on duty, but the family-only policies were scrapped years ago. And only three people are allowed in at one time.”

They all looked at each other. Barry nodded at Arin. “You should go first,” he said, and then Arin looked at Brian and said “He’ll want to see you, you helped so much.”

Suzy wanted desperately to see him, too, but she wasn’t sure who should have the privilege of being the third person. Arin touched her arm and looked her in the eyes. “I need you, Suze,” he muttered. “I need you in there with me, if I go.”

“Of course,” she answered, her heart going out to her husband, who was trying so hard to be strong. “That works - then we can switch and it’ll be Barry, Holly and Ross.”

Ross’s face broke out in a grin. Holly kissed him on the cheek.

“He’ll likely still be asleep or unresponsive if you all go right away,” the nurse cautioned. “The anaesthetic takes a while to wear off completely, and he’s being given a lot of painkillers through his IV as well. And he’ll be quite tired for a long time. His body is recovering from major trauma.”

“Can we bring him the gifts?” Brian asked. “Is there a place we can put them so he can see them when he wakes up?”

“Yes, of course, anything but real flowers or plants, since they can carry insects or infectious agents. The rooms are very small, so nothing too big. What you have there - ” he smiled at the card and the stuffed dinosaurs - “is perfectly fine.”

“You said fifteen minutes, right?” Arin was eager. “Can we go wait for him in the room?”

“I’ll come escort you when he’s settled in,” the nurse answered, smiling again at Arin’s enthusiasm. “It’s nice of you all to be so eager to help. He’ll need a lot of support over the coming weeks.”

“We’ll be there,” Arin said, grabbing for Suzy’s hand as the nurse walked away “Both of us.”

“All of us,” Barry added firmly. 

Dan was transferred to his room and, true to his word, the nurse came back to lead Brian, Suzy and Arin through the double doors and into the terse silence of the ICU. Arin held the stuffed animals and Brian held the card. They didn’t speak. Every sound echoed. Suzy felt very small as she passed rows of doors, thinking about the occupants of each one and wondering what grief their families were going through. 

It was warm in the room. Dan looked so small and fragile in the hospital bed, propped up slightly, his torso bared and a light blue blanket covering him from the waist down. He was swathed in bandages from his neck to mid-stomach, and a thick drainage tube led out of the side of his chest. The bandages there were parted and they could see the exact point where the tube entered Dan’s body. The skin around it was mottled and bruised. Looking at it made Suzy’s stomach flip. 

“Fuck,” she heard Arin breathe almost inaudibly, and he listed heavily to the side. Brian moved to catch him, but he composed himself and managed to make his way to Dan’s bedside. Suzy kept close behind him. Brian went around the other side and arranged the card and stuffed animals on the little white table there before joining the others. They stood together, looking down at Dan, momentarily shocked into silence.

His face was white and waxy, and some of the colour seemed to have been leached from his cloud of hair. A tiny patch on the crown of his head had been shaved down to the scalp and Suzy saw a neat line of stitches there. He was being given oxygen though a nasal cannula, and a thicker tube was firmly secured into his left nostril. 

Suzy couldn’t even see his chest rising and falling. If it weren’t for the monitor, quietly beeping to signify his stable vitals, Suzy would think she was looking at a corpse.

Brian was the first to speak. “You scared us, you asshole.” 

Arin managed a wan smile. “Fucking understatement, dude.” He took Dan’s hand, the one without the IV needle taped to the back of it. Without a trace of hesitation, he bent forward to kiss Dan’s forehead. 

Dan, of course, did not respond. Arin stared at his deathly pale face, his mouth working as he held back another round of tears. Suzy knew Brian’s tender side but it still surprised her when he came around to their side of the bed to put one arm around her waist and one around Arin. She leaned into him, thankful for the support.

Suzy said, “Is that one of those tubes that goes through your nose to your stomach? Do they expect him to be asleep for a long time?” She knew that it was one of the common ways to feed coma patients. 

“Nasogastric tube,” Brian offered. “They can also be used to remove blood from the stomach. Suze, the nurse said the outlook was good, remember?”

“He feels so warm,” Arin told them. “Is that normal? The nurse said something about infections…”

Before he could finish his question, an older woman with dark olive skin and a neat bob came into the room, smiling kindly.

“Good evening,” she said, as if it were a decent hour, walking briskly to the chair on the other side of Dan’s bed. “Are you family?”

“Friends,” Arin said quietly. “Best friends.”

She nodded, her eyes checking the machines monitoring Dan. The three let her work in respectful silence. “Your friend is very lucky,” she eventually said, “and very strong. He‘s a fighter.”

They all nodded. They knew that already. Arin looked proud and straightened his back.

“I’ll give you the condensed version,” she began as she deftly adjusted the valve on the IV fluid bag. “The bullet struck him in the right pectoral region, missing his heart by a narrow margin and colliding with his ribcage near the sternum. One rib bone shattered, and the sternum, or breastbone, was fractured. The impact affected the bullet’s trajectory, and it curved around and managed to puncture his stomach before lodging itself in another rib on his left side. Bone fragments then punctured and collapsed his right lung.”

Arin’s hand was pressed to his mouth, and Brian’s lips were so thin and white. Suzy felt her own chest aching in sympathy and had to swallow back the urge to cry. None of them wanted to think about Dan in such agony.

“Luckily,” she added, “we had an ample supply of donor blood on hand. January is the month where the most transfusions are performed. About three hundred weekly.” 

Suzy made a mental note to donate blood more often. _Thank god for all the people that do,_ she thought to herself. 

“What about the head injury?” Arin asked. “Is it serious?”

“There is a hairline skull fracture that we will be monitoring closely. It doesn’t appear to have caused any bleeding or swelling in the brain.” 

“It must have happened when he fell,” Suzy said out loud. “What happens now?” 

“Antibiotics, bed rest, plenty of follow-up X-rays to ensure the lung is healing well,” she listed, “as well as some physical therapy once he’s back on his feet. He has another MRI is scheduled in six hours. We will not be discharging him without a thorough post-treatment plan created by me and the head of the surgical staff.” She stood up. “If you three want to stay with him a while longer, I can grant permission for your visit to be extended for an hour.”

Arin looked tempted, but Brian put a hand on his arm and said, “We can’t hold up the line too much. We have some other friends who want to see him, too.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Suzy said gratefully, extending a hand. Brian and Arin hastened to do the same. 

Beside them, Dan continued to sleep, apparently peacefully.

When the doctor had gone, they said their goodbyes to Dan. “You’re gonna be okay,” Brian told him as if he could hear. “And when you wake up you’re gonna promise us not to die until you’re at least eighty.”

“Eighty-five,” said Arin. “Ninety, even.”

Suzy said, “And you’re going to take it easy and listen to the doctor.” She looked to Arin. “We’ll all be there to help you get through this.”

“We’ll take a break, from everything,” Arin added. Brian nodded in agreement. “No more running around, flying across the country, working like dogs, no more writing songs or even recording Game Grumps. We need to take a break. Spend time together. Watch shitty movies and snuggle on the couch all day. Anything you want, Dan. Anything, and I’ll get it for you.” 

Suzy wondered if Arin would ever admit to himself what his feelings for Danny really were. Even more importantly, she wondered if he would be able to admit them to Dan. Watching her husband cradle Dan’s free hand in his own, his warm eyes filled with emotion as they gazed at Dan’s still face, she searched her heart for any hint of jealousy and could not find any. She wondered if Brian, with his incredible mind, had any idea.

Brian met her gaze unblinkingly for a moment and then turned back to Dan and said, “I’m going to make you walk around with a helmet on. A skull fracture, fuck. I swear, I would punch God in the face if you got shot in the chest and survived _that_ only to die from hitting your head off the ground.”

“You’re gonna love your bald spot,” Arin threw in. “And don’t worry about the hospital food. We’re gonna smuggle in the good shit.” 

“Sleep well, Danny,” Suzy said softly, and the others repeated her words before filing out. Arin was the last to go, the reluctance on his face very obvious.

Back in the waiting room, they found their anxious friends, who perked up at their return.

“How is he?” Barry asked immediately, searching Suzy’s face for answers. “How bad is it?”

“He looks alright,” Brian said. “Well, he looks really pale, and he’s got a big gross tube sticking out of his chest and a tube up his nose. They’re pumping him full of painkillers so he won’t hurt too much when he wakes up. He’s still asleep. Probably will be for a while. The doctor said his lung was punctured by his own shattered rib, his stomach got perforated, and the bullet just missed his heart.”

“Oh, wow,” murmured Holly, awed. 

“You guys can go in,” Suzy told them. “Room D-419.”

“Aw, man,” Barry grinned. “He’s gonna be bummed that they didn’t give him Room D-420.”

They all laughed, even though it wasn’t _that_ funny.

“Are we all heading out when we’re done?” Holly asked them.

“Probably,” Suzy told her. “We all need sleep. Real sleep. Barry, Brian, you guys will have to go with Holly and Ross. Arin and I only rented a two-seater.”

“Sounds like a plan, Suze,” Holly said. “We’ll meet you soon.”

The trio went off down the hallway to see Dan. Brian sat down, motioning that it was okay for him to be left alone. “You two need sleep,” he said. “And you should leave now, Suzy, before you get too tired to drive.”

“I can drive,” Arin protested.

“No, you can’t. You look like shit. Suzy, don’t let him drive.”

“I won’t.” She’d had no intention of doing so. Arin was completely drained and she wasn’t sure if he knew it. 

They both hugged Brian one more time - Arin making sure to tell him to take care of the others - before making their way to the elevator and taking it all the way down, to the underground parking lot.

“I can’t wait to talk to him again,” Arin said, reaching for her hand as they walked through the concrete maze. His voice echoed strangely. Suzy had always thought underground parking lots were disturbing, like ghost towns. Everything was painted in that sickish yellow glow from the rows of caged lights and the air stank of gas and exhaust. “I can’t stand to think of him waking up alone. He’ll be scared, Suze. Fuck.”

“He’d be upset if he thought we were torturing ourselves and not eating or sleeping,” Suzy told him. “You know him. He worries about everyone else more than he worries about himself.”

“He’s amazing,” Arin murmured, leaning his head against the window. “He’s just - he’s the sweetest man in the world, and it’s just so fucking _unfair_ that this happened to him.” 

“I know, baby, I know.” She started up the car and checked to make sure she still had her key card for the hotel. “We should order room service, get some comfort food, and find a movie to fall asleep to. What do you think?”

There was no answer. Suzy looked over to see Arin completely passed out with his mouth hanging open and his head lolling to the side. She had never seen him fall asleep so quickly. He must be exhausted.

Her heart gave a little thump when she remembered how much she loved him, this selfless and passionate man she had married. 

Alone with her thoughts, she drove them both to their lonely hotel, thinking of Dan, hoping he would smile when he saw her gift. They all needed him, Arin probably most of all.

 _He’s a fighter,_ the doctor had said. 

She glanced at Arin again. He was a fighter, too. He’d be Dan’s strength if he needed more, and so would the others. They were all strong in their own ways.

Suzy’s exhaustion faded for a moment and she gripped the steering wheel harder, thinking about her friends and the bonds between them all. As long as they had each other, things would turn out okay.

She had to keep believing that, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind feedback on the prologue! I appreciate all of the comments, kudos, and sweet messages on Tumblr.  
> (Follow me @j-lyn. I need more mutuals who are into shipping the Grumps!)


	3. iii.

His alarm was beeping. 

But no, his alarm didn’t sound like that - he had it set to play music. Well, to be more accurate, Arin had set it to play Ding Dong Song by Gunther, and Dan had thought it was too funny to change it back. Thinking about Arin made him anxious and he couldn’t figure out why.

The beeping was soft and subdued, steady and rhythmic. Too loud to ignore and too quiet to bring him up past the surface of consciousness. It was annoying. Dan just wanted to keep sleeping. His whole body ached with exhaustion.

Some time later, he sensed that there was somebody with him. He didn’t know who it was, but her voice was soft and familiar and very worried. He wished he could answer, but he couldn’t. She didn’t seem to mind. She touched his face, kissed the top of his head, held his hand and squeezed it.

“Mom?” Dan couldn’t tell if he said the word aloud. His mouth felt full of cotton. He was almost sure that his mother was right there, like he was a little kid again and he’d thrown up in the middle of the night. There was nothing in the world he wanted more than to speak to her. Her voice shook and faded after some time. 

The quiet beeping continued. Despite his exhaustion, Dan tried to make himself wake up. His sleep had become a sticky viscous liquid, or quicksand, dragging him down no matter how hard he fought to get out. At some point, things began to happen all around him, and he was powerless to stop them. The comforting voice was gone, and a person - or several people - were doing something to his body. Their touch was cold and clinical. A blinding light as his eyelid was lifted, and what looked like a blazing sun was pointed directly into his iris. 

He floated in a haze of mild unease, growing more conscious of the pain he was in, until a wave of warmth wrapped him up and sent him sinking back down into darkness.

After a long time - hours, days, weeks, it was hard to tell - Dan came to once again, rising slowly upward into the world again. 

His senses came back one at a time, starting with the faint smell of iodine. Dan felt the presence of a mattress beneath him and could orient himself from there and know that he was lying on his back with his torso propped up. There was something on his face, tickling his nose. He wanted to get it off. The top of his head itched and burned like crazy, too. When he tried to lift his arm, it only twitched lifelessly. 

It was the first time he’d moved in three days, though he had no way of knowing that. Moving his fingers felt like trying to bench-press a truck. An arc of pain shot from his wrist to his shoulder and through his upper body when he tried to move again, making him grunt.

“Dan?”

 _That’s me,_ he thought numbly, and he stopped trying to move in favour of trying to talk. He managed a thin gurgle. 

“Are you awake?” 

_I want to be._ Dan fought off the haze of sleep with all his might. 

The more aware he became, the more he hurt. Breathing deeply made him hurt worse. Eventually, he managed to open his eyes, but the world was all bright and fuzzy and it made the pain in his head rise from a two to about a seven. 

“Dan? Danny!”

“Trying,” he muttered. Nothing he’d ever done had been this hard. What was wrong with him? With enormous effort, he slowly opened his eyes again, keeping them squinted against the light. There was somebody sitting beside his bed. Dan focused with all his strength until he could make out the face of his friend and former roommate. 

“Barry?” Dan managed to say, confused but glad to see him. Barry’s hair was greasy and he needed to trim his beard. What was he doing here? They didn’t live together anymore. At least he knew that he could trust Barry to tell him what the fuck was going on.

Barry leaned forward, a smile slowing spreading across his tired face. “Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Fuck, it’s good to see you again.”

Dan looked at him blankly, unsure of what to make of this. 

“Dude, your sister is gonna freak,” Barry went on, seeming not to mind Dan’s silence. “She was just here with you for like four hours.”

“My…sister?” Dan swallowed around the obstruction that was hurting his throat. “What…”

“Yeah, man. She’s been here so much. The nurse tried to kick her out and she made a fuss until they changed the rules and let your visitor policies loosen up. I literally just convinced her like twenty minutes ago that you probably would sleep through the night and that it’d be better if she got some sleep too and came back tomorrow.”

“My sister’s here?” Dan thought this was all very strange. His sister lived thousands of miles away. The room wobbled a little but stayed in focus. 

Barry rubbed his mouth. “Do you know where you are, Dan?”

Dan could figure this out. He could use context clues. He blinked his sleep-crusted eyes several times and looked around the room.

He had not been here before, wherever this was. There was a steel door with a glass window at the far end of the room. The floor was blue and while tile, spotlessly clean, and the walls were stark white. On either side of him, there were large computer monitors with green and blue digital readouts scrolling by. A steel frame supported a large clear bag of liquid, and Dan followed the tube from the bag all the way into the back of his hand. When he flexed his fingers he could feel the presence of the needle. He had to look away.

_A hospital. I’m in the hospital._

“Barry, what…” _What happened to me?_ he was going to ask, but then he looked down at himself and gasped.

He was naked from the waist up and covered in bandages. A plastic tube, practically as wide as his index finger, was stuck directly into his skin between his ribs on his right side. The obstruction in his throat was another tube, stuck up his nose and taped in place. 

His instinctive reaction was to retch. Dan struggled to move, to turn onto his side and throw up until he passed out, but he couldn’t, and the more restrained he felt, the greater his panic grew. Everything fucking hurt. The room went blurry around the edges.

Barry had jumped up from his seat in alarm. “Dan, hey, whoa, it’s okay. Try not to move. Breathe through your nose. I can call the nurse. Do you need a nurse? Fuck, fuck, fuck - ”

Dan sucked in air through his nose and the room came back into focus. “No. No, I’m okay. Bar, don’t leave me. Please.” The thought of being alone was terrifying. 

Barry lowered himself back down, looking about as weak as Dan felt. “Okay.” He swallowed. “Not gonna leave you, Danny. It’s okay.”

Dan sighed with relief, trying to stop staring at the chest tube. Its hollow interior was stained with scattered red drops. Draining blood and other gunk from his body. There was another tube beneath the blanket, draining into a bag that was tucked away out of sight on the other side of the bed. Dan could guess where it was attached to him. “What…what happened to me? Did my appendix burst or something?”

Barry hesitated and reached for his hand. Dan didn’t mind physical affection from his friends, but this wasn’t really common behaviour from Barry. Hugs, sure. Handholding, not so much. Maybe from Arin, for a laugh. He knew then how serious it was, even before Barry told him.

“Dan…” he began slowly. “You…you got shot, dude.”

“What?” Dan honestly thought he’d misheard.

“In the parking lot of the video game store. You got shot in the chest.”

Dan’s vision swam. Barry wasn’t joking. Nobody would joke about that. He looked at his own torso again, understanding the bandages and drainage tubes. “Holy shit.”

Barry had deep purple circles beneath his eyes and he looked half-dead, but he gave a weak laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Holy shit is right.”

“That’s why my sister was here,” Dan said. “I’m in Jersey. We’re all in Jersey. You‘re here…Arin’s here with Suzy, and Ross and Holly…and Brian came. He wasn’t going to come, but then he decided to. We wanted to see some Broadway shows…” His memory was like a ladder; he kept putting his foot down blindly, and the next step was there. It still hurt to talk but his growing clarity was exciting. “We got our hotel rooms and went for a walk.”

“Right, right, we walked to that game store you told us about.” Barry nodded. “The doctor told us to watch for any memory loss but you seem pretty good. Pretty coherent.”

“I remember up until the game store,” Dan said slowly. “We walked outside, and then - ”

A flash of memory - noise and commotion, pain and panic. Someone screaming. Him. His friends all around him. Arin with tears streaking down his face, saying his name over and over. Dan felt his heart start to jackhammer in his chest as all the emotions came back to him at once, overwhelming him. He remembered the fear, the regret, the absolute terror of death, the final unknown.

“Whoa, hey,” Barry said, alarmed, as Dan gasped for breath, feeling tears of his own struggling to escape. “We don’t have to talk about it now, man. It’s over, and you’re gonna be okay.”

Dan nodded and grimaced when it made his head swim. With effort, he blocked the memory from his brain as best as he could. The dam would hold, for now. “I’m gonna be okay,” he repeated. “I can’t believe I didn’t die.”

“Fuck, Dan.” Barry’s voice suddenly broke. “You almost fucking did. You have no idea how much you scared us.”

“Sorry,” Dan said weakly, and meant it. Barry looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks and he knew his family would be taking it hard. 

“God, no, I didn’t mean - it’s not like you did it on _purpose_. I just - to see that happen right in front of my fucking eyes...” He shook his head. “You sure are hard to take down. You’re strong as hell, Dan. That’s what the doctors said.”

“’M not, really.” Dan didn’t feel too strong at the moment. He looked at the IV bag beside his bed. It was attached to a small monitor that bad a blue button on top, just within his arms’ reach. He pressed it. Within a few moments, he began to feel warm and fuzzy and mildly itchy. Opiates. Maybe morphine. It was good, even if it made it harder to concentrate on what was going on around him. “I was scared out of my mind. I dunno how I didn’t die. I thought I was gonna die.” _I thought I would never get to see you all again._

“Two inches to the left, and you would have gotten - shit, man. Shot through the heart.”

“And you’re to blame, you give love a bad name,” Dan offered in the best singing voice he could manage. Then he tried to laugh, because his addled brain thought that was a lot funnier than it was. But his chest was too tight for the laugh to come out, and instead he dove headfirst into a coughing fit that was made worse by the annoying tube shoved into his esophagus. Any movement in his chest made the wound throb sharply, and each cough was followed by a whimper.

Barry half-rose from his chair again anxiously. “Oh, fuck. What can I do, Dan?”

“I’m - I’m fine. I just - ” He coughed one last time and swallowed. The pain made him light-headed, but it was manageable. The extra dose from his IV was definitely kicking in already. “Sorry.”

“Stop being sorry.” Barry made a noise that was part laugh, part sob. He tried to hold it in, but it was too late. “Oh shit, dude, I’m gonna cry all over you now. I’ve broken the seal.”

“I think you only say that when you’re talking about pee,” Dan mumbled. He felt too out of his head to cry, but his chest thumped to see Barry so upset for him. 

“I would hug you if I could,” Barry told him, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I want to. I think I aged about fifteen fucking years waiting for you to come out of surgery.”

“You waited for me?”

“We all did. I - shit, I think we would have lost our minds if we hadn’t stuck together. Arin got us an Uber. Suzy and Holly got there a couple hours later.”

Dan closed his eyes briefly, trying not to picture how stressful it must have been. “And my parents? Who called them? Are they still here?” He was sure his mother had been with him, although they’d been in Florida on vacation.

“They left with Dana. They were here for most of the afternoon. They’re staying in a hotel just down the street, though. I’ll give them a call. Well, the reception is shit in here, so I’ll call as soon as I leave. Brian was the one that got a hold of them after you - you know. They flew back home right away.”

“The others?” Dan’s heart hurt when he thought about Arin. He could remember flashes of Arin kneeling over him, reassuring him as best as he could. 

“Ross and Brian might still be in the Starbucks downstairs. At least one of us is always here. We’ve been on rotating shifts. Arin’s probably been here the most, after your family. I think Suzy dragged him somewhere to eat something that didn’t come out of a vending machine. He keeps forgetting to eat. He…he took it pretty hard, harder than the rest of us. Suzy almost got him to check himself in to get some fluids into him through an IV.”

Dan thought of everyone suffering so much for him, and the guilt made him wince. “I’m sorry. Fuck. Is he okay?”

“Stop being sorry,” Barry ordered. “It’s not your fault some asshole shot you. Arin’s fine. Freaked out, but fine. Suzy’s taking good care of him. We’re all looking out for each other. He’s going to be mad that he wasn’t the first one to get to talk to you.”

“Why did some guy shoot me anyway? What did I do?” Dan didn’t want to try and recall the details again, at least not right now. It didn’t seem likely that he would have gotten himself into some sort of confrontation. Dan knew Jersey, knew what the seedier parts were like and how to handle himself. He wouldn’t rile up a stranger or jump into a fight. 

“It was an accident. There was a fight between these two guys, and the one pulled a gun. You got hit by a stray bullet.”

“In the chest.” Dan still couldn’t believe it. 

“They got the guy who did it. It was all in the news. Apparently when they found him, he tried to hit a cop, and they took him down pretty fucking hard.” Barry’s voice grew rougher, more savage, very unlike himself. “They should have just beaten him to death.”

“What about the other guy? The one who he was arguing with. How is he doing?”

Barry looked at him oddly, the anger fading from his face. “Dan, you are probably the only person in the world who could get shot in the chest and then wake up and ask how everyone else is doing. He‘s fine - that was in the news, too. Already out of the hospital. Took a shot to the upper arm.”

“Oh.” Dan inhaled deeply through his nose, remembering the presence of the oxygen tube taped in place alongside the gross stomach tube. The additional oxygen helped clear his brain and get his thoughts in order. “So what did they do to me?” he asked. “The doctors, I mean.”

“They gave your parents more details,” Barry answered, his brow furrowing. “I know that your lung got punctured, though. The bullet hit a rib, broke it into like ten pieces, cracked your sternum and then bounced around and hit another rib and your stomach. One of the fragments from the really messed-up rib got into your lung. That was after you were already in the ambulance.”

“That’s pretty metal.” Dan was hurting, sure, but by the sound of it, most of the pain was being dulled by the meds. He wasn’t looking forward to the recovery. 

Barry chuckled, the noise coming out dry and mechanical as if he’d forgotten how. “Oh, and then you cracked your skull when you fell.”

Dan felt himself fading. “What does it look like? Do I have a sweet scar?”

“You’ve got a sweet bald patch,” Barry said. “And the stitches look pretty gnarly.”

“Aw, fuck. I don’t want a bald patch.” Dan’s hand tried to get up to his head, but it only gave a weak flop at his side. It was strange how uncoordinated he felt. It was like his brain was sending the right signals to his body but they were being distorted, like electric interference. “How long was I out, anyway?”

“Three days,” Barry said. “The doctors thought you’d wake up pretty soon after surgery, and we were all excited, but then you didn’t, and when they gave you another brain scan and did some other tests they said you were in a coma. A really short coma. Only two days. This morning they were checking you, and they saw that your pupils were responding the way they should, so that apparently meant you weren’t in a coma any more. That’s why your sister stayed so long. She was so excited that you were on your way to coming back to us. Your parents were there first. They were the ones that called Brian - he has your phone, by the way - and we all found out that you were out of the coma. Shit, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Arin so happy.”

This was a lot of information to take in, and Dan was growing very, very tired again. His eyelids were so heavy. His chest was itchy beneath the bandages and his whole body ached and twinged. Sleep sounded okay. Just fine, in fact. Everyone was okay, and his family and friends were here, and Arin was going to come see him too. There was a lot he should tell them all. He told his parents that he loved them all the time, but he hadn’t said it to his friends in a long while. Had he ever said it without a joking grin, without adding _bro_ or _dude_ on the end? 

“Barry?” he murmured, his eyes closing on their own accord. 

“Yeah, Dan?”

“Thanks for…for staying with me, and visiting, and…taking care of the others…” Dan swallowed thickly. “I ‘preciate it. I…” He was sinking again, and he couldn’t finish.

“’Course, man, you’d do the same for me.” Barry held his hand again and squeezed gently. When he began to talk again, it sounded like his voice was coming through a speaker down a long hallway.

The pain began to float away, and it was such bliss. Dan was floating, too. He didn’t want to try and resist it anymore.

“Ah, shit,” he dimly heard Barry say. “You better wake up again soon, Dan. There’s a lot of people waiting to see you.”

 _Arin,_ was Dan’s last conscious thought before he let himself slip under again.


	4. iv.

Arin pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the car window, trying his best to steady himself as they joined the rush of morning traffic. 

Suzy was driving again because Arin was running on two, maybe two and a half hours of actual sleep and couldn’t focus. He was keyed up, tight as a bow string, caught between excitement at the good news and the fear that things would go wrong again. A big part of him still didn’t believe it. They would get to the hospital again only to realize they were just a few hours too late, the doctors were wrong again, and Dan had taken a turn for the worse.

“Do you have Gravol or something in your purse?” he asked Suzy as they stopped at a red light. “Pepto? Antacid? Fuck, anything really.”

“No, but we can stop somewhere and get something. Are you gonna barf?”

“No,” Arin mumbled. “Don’t stop. Fuck. I can hold it in.” He wasn’t at all sure that was true. His stomach was rolling unpleasantly, sending acidic burps up his throat whenever they jerked to a halt behind another asshole who braked too late. Letting himself stew in negative thoughts was stupid, and it was causing the anxiety, which was causing the nausea, but he couldn’t stop it. There were so many fucking things that could go wrong. Too many worst-case scenarios to think of.

“Arin,” Suzy said softly. “Don’t do this to yourself again. He’s okay. Barry told us he’s okay, and the doctors all said that he’s doing even better than expected.”

“We don’t _know_ ,” Arin said, frustration creeping into his voice. “The doctors were wrong before. Why should we trust them now? Something could still go wrong.”

“We need to have faith,” Suzy said firmly. Arin appreciated the sentiment, but he didn’t like the idea of faith. It was wishy-washy garbage, a pretty word to mask what the concept really was - complete and utter ignorance mixed with helplessness.

Arin still wasn’t sure which was worse - the six hours they’d spent suffering without any information at all, or the news they‘d received upon trying to visit Dan for the second time. All that happiness at what they thought was a miraculous recovery was cruelly yanked away in an instant. Arin still couldn’t remember exactly what the nursing director said, but he remembered the immediate crushing heartache when he heard the word _coma_. 

“You can still come see him,” the nurse had said in a tone that let them know how little difference it would make. And Arin did. He stayed longer than anyone else, unable to take his eyes off of Dan’s face, running through all the worst scenarios in his mind as he tried to comprehend how any of this could be real life. All day, he’d been examining various articles on the Internet, hoping to glean some solid information on Dan’s condition, but it had only worsened his anxiety. Despite the expertise of the doctors and the wonders of modern medicine, Arin couldn’t help but realize that brain injuries and comas were a grey area for all of them. You could be lucky, or you could die, or anywhere in between, and even the so-called experts didn’t fully know why.

He gritted his teeth. _It better be real this time. He’d better be okay._ The past forty-eight hours had been hell and Arin wasn’t sure how much more he could take. 

Barry had called the night before to let them know Dan had woken up. Arin had wanted to race back right away, but Suzy made him slow down. “His family will want to be there first,” she said. “Besides, Barry said he went right back to sleep. We can wake up super early and head over tomorrow. We won’t miss anything.” 

It was agonizing, but Arin knew she was right. As she usually was. He hoped she was right about Dan, too.

At six AM, Suzy had gotten Arin into the shower. She made him put on deodorant and clean clothes too. He was grateful for it now. The others had grown used to Arin looking - not to mention smelling - like the walking dead, but he wanted to be presentable for Dan. By six-thirty, they were eating a hasty breakfast in the car; by seven, they had paid for their parking spot and were navigating their way through the labyrinthine hallways of the hospital. 

The nurse on duty was the same man who had first seen them in the waiting room after Dan came out of surgery. He recognized Arin and Suzy as they got off the elevator at the now-familiar ICU. 

“I guess you heard the news?” he said, grinning. Arin tried a smile but his face would not cooperate.

“We came as soon as we heard,” Suzy beamed brightly enough for both of them. “Is he free for visitors?”

“I believe his mother and sister are in there now, talking to him.” The nurse paused. “Unfortunately, that means - ”

“Only one of us can go in.” Arin looked at Suzy. _Talking, thank god, it can’t be so bad. Maybe it really will be okay after all._ There was a strange warmth in his heart and he suddenly became aware of the sun shining through the single window in the hallway. It took him a second to remember that it was what hope felt like. “Babe, is it okay if I - ”

She rolled her beautiful eyes at him, smiling. “Of course you can go.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“I’m not gonna be alone,” she said, laughing. “Holly and Ross are coming any minute now. We’ll hang out in the cafeteria. Say hi to him for me, and give him all my love.”

For the millionth time, Arin reflected on how lucky he was to be married to such an incredible person. If it hadn’t been for Suzy, he wouldn’t have known what to do with himself. She picked up all his pieces when he fell apart and put them back together again. 

Giddy, Arin hugged her, lifting her right up off her feet to make her giggle. When he set her down, she cupped his jaw in her soft hand and kissed him on the eyebrow, which never failed to make him tingle and break out in goose bumps. 

“Come down to the Starbucks when you’re done,” Suzy said. “Hopefully I’ll get a turn to see him soon. Ross and Holly, too. Brian got to talk to him already.” She had been fielding all the calls and texts while Arin was busy trying not to have a full-on breakdown. 

“I’ll be there.” Arin watched her head down the hallway and disappear into the elevator. Alone, his fear began to creep back in. This time he smothered it. Dan was awake and talking, and it wasn’t just a fluke. 

But he had to see it with his own eyes before he could let himself believe it.

At the door to D-419, he paused. If Dan’s mom and sister were in there, was it right of him to intrude on a family moment? Maybe he should wait for them to leave, as much as the thought pained him. He bit his lip and thought about what he should do, telling himself firmly that it wasn’t fear holding him back.

He didn’t have to wait for long. The door opened, and Debbie Avidan stepped out. When she saw Arin, her tired face broke out into a smile.

“Arin,” she exclaimed, hugging him hard enough to cut off his air supply. She was a tough woman, Arin had come to realize. “Oh, goodness, I’m glad you’re here. He can’t wait to see you.”

“He’s okay? He’s really okay?” Arin’s knees actually trembled.

“He says the pain comes and goes, but the meds make it manageable for the most part. He’s mostly very bored. I’m supposed to bring him some music.”

“If you’d rather I wait until you guys go home…” Arin began awkwardly, but she cut him off.

“Don’t be silly, Arin. I know you love him too. You’ve done so much for him.” She kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair as if he were five years old, which made him smile. “Go on. He wants you.”

Arin pushed open the door to Dan’s room and, for the first time, was greeted by laughter and chatter instead of awful dead silence. Dan’s head was turned away from the door and he was looking at his sister, who was sitting in the single visitor’s chair, talking excitedly, her shoes kicked off on the floor and her socked feet resting casually on the edge of Dan’s bed. Dan’s giggle was quiet, but it was there, and he sounded cheerful. They both turned at the sound of his footsteps.

 _This is real,_ Arin thought, his heart beating faster. His throat went dry and his eyes grew hot and he had to grope for the doorframe to help hold himself up.

“Arin!” Dan turned to look at him and his whole face brightened. “Oh shit, I’m so happy to see you!”

Arin’s heart ached in sympathy and burned with pride all at once as he looked at Dan. The ghastly corpse-like waxiness had gone from his skin, though he was more pale than usual and had deep lines beneath his eyes. The nasogastric tube had been taken out, leaving just the oxygen tube that left most of his face visible. He was hurting - Arin could see the tightness in his face, the strength it took to contain it - but he was smiling. Smiling for Arin.

“Danny,” he began, trying to remember all the words he’d promised he’d say when Dan could hear them. None of them would come. His breath caught in his throat. Arin hadn’t cried in front of anyone in Dan’s family yet, and he hoped that he was on close enough terms with Dana now that it wouldn’t be awkward if he did, because it was going to fucking happen and he couldn’t stop it. His eyes felt like leaky faucets. They hadn’t turned off completely since the day Dan had been hurt. “Fuck,” he said weakly, and then, “Sorry, Dana, sorry. I didn’t mean to - I just can’t - I - oh, fuck - ”

“You guys need to have a moment, don’t you?” Dana slid out of the chair. “I’ll get out for a few minutes.”

“It’s okay,” Arin croaked. “I’m okay.” He felt stupid for being the one breaking down. He wasn’t the one who was hurt. “You don’t have to go.”

Dana just patted him on the shoulder and walked out, a knowing look on her face.

“Don’t cry, big cat.” Dan’s voice was so small and weary, like he’d just run a marathon. “Come sit with me. I missed you, man.”

“I missed you so much,” Arin managed to warble as he stumbled over to the chair Dana had vacated. “You got fucking _shot_ , what the fuck. What the _fuck_ , Dan.” Great, his nose was running. Just what Dan needed to cheer up. A big snotty mess crying all over him. “I thought you were gonna fucking _die_ , and then you came out of surgery and I let myself think that everything was okay again, and then we go back the next day and you’re in a fucking _coma_ , and I - ” He swallowed. “I wanted to put my fucking fist through a wall. It wasn’t fair. They said you were gonna be okay.”

“Arin…” 

“Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m trying to hold it together. It’s just exhausting.” Arin felt selfish. Dan was looking upset now, and it was all his fault. He was supposed to be here to make Dan feel better, not worse. “I’m being an asshole. This isn’t supposed to be about me.”

Dan’s face softened. “Arin, if I saw you get hurt, I’d be pretty fucked up too. But you can stop worrying now. I’m healing. The doctors are great. You’re not being an asshole. I heard how often you were coming to see me when I was out. Barry said you were here the most after my parents. My mom was worried about you.”

Arin managed a smile. “Yeah? Your mom is awesome.”

“Hell yeah, she is. Barry was worried too. He said that you were pretty shaken up. That you were barely eating.”

“Yeah, I guess not.” Arin mumbled. It hadn’t really been a conscious decision. On the first day of Dan’s coma, he couldn’t bring himself to leave the hospital, even to take care of himself. It was stupid and irrational, but he had felt that if he left, he’d be giving up on Dan, and the universe would punish him by never letting Dan wake up. “I ate a lot of garbage and made myself sick. No appetite.”

“You gotta eat, Arin. Do it for me. I wish I could eat real food.”

“I did today,” Arin protested. “Suzy made me.”

“And you have to sleep at some point, too,” Dan added as firmly as he could in his strained voice.

Arin knew how dark the circles under his eyes were. “Sleep’s not fun.” He pushed his hair out of his face and rubbed his eyes. “Nightmares.”

Dan looked, if possible, even more sad for him. “About what happened to me?”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Maybe later?” Arin hadn’t even been able to tell Suzy some of what his own mind had been torturing him with at night. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. Just not sure if I can.”

“Don’t sweat it, big cat.” 

“Dan?”

“Mmm?”

“I like when you call me ‘big cat’.”

“I know, man, s’why I do it.”

“I watched a compilation - you remember when I asked somebody to make a compilation of all the times you called me that? I found one. I watched it on my phone like twenty times when we were all waiting for you to wake up.”

Dan closed his eyes. “I still can’t believe you all waited. Seven hours. That’s crazy.”

“How the fuck were we supposed to just leave you there?” Arin asked, slightly indignant. 

“Pretty easily,” Dan said. “I mean, it’s not like I was gonna get up and walk away.”

It was stupid, but Arin snorted, which made Dan giggle faintly, and it was so contagious that Arin laughed too. “Fuck,” he said reminiscently. “I forgot how good it feels to laugh.”

“I forget how good it feels to stand up,” Dan said, his forehead creasing. He tried to shift himself slightly, as if his shoulders or neck ached, but then he froze and gasped. “Ah, fuck. Fucking - _ow_.” He groped for the button on his IV line and pressed it. “Shit, shit, shit, why did I think moving was a good idea?”

Arin felt his stomach twist as he watched Dan struggle through the pain. “Danny,” he murmured helplessly. “You need anything?”

Dan couldn’t seem to respond, so Arin scooted the chair forward until his knees were almost touching the bed. He laid his hand over Dan’s, so carefully, afraid to make it worse. “I’m here,” he said. It was all he could do. “I’m here, Dan.”

Dan nodded blindly, his face scrunching up. “Hurts,“ was all he could say. “Hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” His hand moved, shifting around to grasp weakly at Arin’s fingers. Arin let him squeeze as hard as he had to, glad to be of some small service. 

“I know, baby,” Arin murmured, even though he didn’t, he could never know. It made him sick to see Dan like this, to know that all he could do was stand by and watch

After what seemed like an eternity, Dan’s face relaxed and he let out a breath slowly. “Fuck. That fucking sucked.”

“It’s pretty bad, huh?” That was a stupid question. Arin wanted to kick himself. “Can you feel the extra meds yet?”

“Mmm. It’s helping.” Dan was still holding Arin’s hand. Arin wondered if it was intentional or if he’d just forgotten he was doing it. “It hurts all the time, but I can usually handle it. Sometimes it just gets crazy bad. I had to sit up earlier so they could change the bandage and do something to my chest tube - my dad and a nurse helped - and I nearly passed out.” He paused, looking rueful. “This isn’t the fun vacation that I had in mind when I said we should take a break from work.”

“I want to hug you so bad. Fuck.” 

That made Dan smile again. “Barry did, too. I’ll hug all of you when I can stand up, I promise.”

“Dibs on first.”

Dan’s smile turned into a grin. Arin only hesitated for a second before he leaned down and kissed him on the temple, meaning to make it fast and pull away. Instead, he lingered there with his lips on the hot damp skin, his nose touching Dan’s tangled curls. Dan didn’t pull away, so he kissed his eyebrow too, just like Suzy did for him.

He felt the blood rush to his face as he pulled back. A brief spell of dizziness washed over him as something _shifted_ , like the whole room had just been shaken by an earthquake. Dan’s arms were sprinkled with goose bumps. They were still inches apart. Dan’s eyes searched Arin’s before crinkling up at the corners when he smiled.

Arin swallowed hard. “I love you, Dan. I’m so glad you’re still here with me.”

“I love you too,” Dan said, and for the first time his voice trembled. “I was trying to say it. When I was on the ground, I saw you. I heard you talking to me. I wanted to tell you - wanted to make sure you knew how much you meant to me - but then they took me in the ambulance and I thought I’d lost my chance. I thought I would never get to say goodbye.”

Arin was close enough to feel Dan’s breath on his face, close enough to see the moisture form in his eyes. He couldn’t look away.

“Don’t know what I’d do without you, Arin,” Dan said, and Arin felt a lump form in his throat.

The door opened slightly and the Dana peeked in. She didn’t seem surprised to see Arin practically on top of Dan. “Two more minutes it is,” she said simply, and closed the door again.

Arin sat back up straight in the chair. Why did his cheeks feel so hot? “You look really tired,” he blurted.

“Oh, ouch. You look great too.” Dan gave him a mocking hurt look. 

“I didn’t mean - I just - I wanted to know if I was keeping you up, or if I should - ” Arin began, but Dan’s quiet little laugh cut him off.

“Oh, dude, I know you didn’t mean it like that. I was just kidding. ”

“I brought you our iPad.” Arin’s brain wasn’t cooperating. He picked up the bag he’d dropped thoughtlessly on the floor. 

“Ooh,” Dan perked up. “Movies?”

“You can use my account. There’s tons. Charger’s in here, too.” Arin put everything on the bedside table. “I almost forgot to bring this stuff. Suzy reminded me.”

“Tell her I said thanks. And that goes for the dinosaurs, too.” Dan inclined his chin at the red and blue stuffed dinosaurs that Suzy had found. “They keep making me smile.”

“I would have brought flowers,” Arin said. “But they’re not allowed in here.”

“Yeah, things are pretty intense in the ICU. But I’m getting out of here later today. I’m moving somewhere downstairs, and then I can have more than three visitors at a time and there’s no limit on how long you can be there. Private room. You’ll come watch something with me, right?” 

“Oh-ho,” Arin waggled his eyebrows. “Private room, huh? Sounds romantic.” The joke seemed to fall flat. Arin wasn’t sure why. He moved on quickly “Of course I will. Any ideas?”

Before he could answer, there was a squeak as the door to Dan’s room opened briskly and Dana came back in, followed by Ross and Holly. 

“Whoa,” Dan said, looking a little overwhelmed. “It’s a party now. Hey guys!” 

“Hi, Dan.” Holly gave him a once-over. “You look pretty good for a guy who was just in a coma.”

“Thanks, Hols. I’d believe you, but Barry already told me about my bald spot.”

Arin stood up, a little hurt by how short his time with Dan was. He thought Holly and Ross were going to wait with Suzy until he came back down. He looked to Dana, who motioned for him to sit back down.

“Don’t worry, Arin. I think that nurse is scared of me,” Dana said matter-of-factly. “He didn’t say anything about there being four of us now.”

“I’d be scared of you,” Dan put in. “You give killer noogies and the worst Indian burns.”

“I might have yelled at him yesterday when he tried to make me leave you,” she admitted.

Holly said, “It’s all my fault. We couldn’t wait any more. We were just outside the main doors and Dana saw us, and we all started talking.”

Holly and Dana had taken to each other right away. Arin saw a significant look pass between them.

“I feel loved,” Dan said. “It’s so good to see you guys again. Uh, just as a general warning, though, I don’t know if it’s the drugs or whatever they were feeding me through that nose tube, but I’m expelling a lot of gas, so my apologies in advance.”

“You didn’t apologize to _me_ ,” Dana raised an eyebrow. 

Arin laughed, but Ross still didn’t say anything. Arin stared at him, trying to decipher the odd look on his face. Holly intercepted his gaze and gave a quick, sharp shake of her head. 

“We’ll go in a minute,” she said. “We don’t want to get you in trouble or anything. We can come back later.”

“Good,” Dan said happily. “Hey, when I get moved down to the regular room in a bit, you guys should come watch a movie with me and Arin. We were just talking about it. I’m thinking something so bad that it’s unintentionally hilarious.” He was looking at Ross now.

Ross gave a short, jerky nod. 

Arin felt compelled to fill the silence from Ross’s lack of response. “We could do a classic. Troll 2.” 

Holly put a hand on the small of Ross’s back. Arin was sure he was the only one to see it. Dana looked at Dan and said, “Is that the one with the crazy over-acting witch lady who turns people into green goop? With the corn-cob kissing scene?”

“When the fucking popcorn explodes all over the room, yeah.” Dan made a funny raspy laugh. “That’s the one.”

“Fucking cinematic history,” said Arin.

“That sounds fun,” Ross said, almost too quietly for anybody to hear. “I’d like that.”

“There are some fucking golden quotes in there,” Dan said. “Did you know that - ”

A nurse that Arin didn’t recognize poked her head through the door and looked at the crowd. “Hey, Danny. I’m sorry to interrupt, but - ”

“Oh, sorry, Tina,” Dan called. “Some of them were just on their way out. Tina’s got my back,” he added for the rest of the crowd. “She’s the coolest nurse here.”

She smiled at the compliment. “I wasn’t going to give you any grief about the number of visitors. You guys have been good at following the rules so far. But I do need to ask everybody to leave for about twenty to thirty minutes.”

“No problem,” Dan answered, and she closed the door again to let them all say their goodbyes.

“Well, crap.” Dana had just taken Arin’s abandoned chair. She stood up and stretched. “But I guess I could use a break for lunch.”

Arin was alarmed. He looked at Dan. “Is something wrong? What do they need to do?”

Dan made a face. “Uh, I think my catheter is being taken out, among other equally fun things.”

Ross winced, and Holly looked sympathetic. Arin said, “How will you go to the bathroom from now on without it? You still can’t move.”

“Same way I have to poop,” Dan said dryly. “The nurse will have to come in with a bedpan and help me.”

“That sounds gross.”

“It’s one of my least favourite things about this situation. I mean, besides the whole feeling like I’m going to die if I try to move. And not being able to eat real food.”

Dana touched Dan’s shoulder. “You want me to bring you anything when I come back?”

“Mom’s got me covered,” he assured her. “And Arin brought his iPad for me. I’m probably passing out for a while after all of this, too. You won’t miss much. Go out for lunch with Mom and Dad, and come back later in the afternoon?”

Dana nodded cheerfully enough. “Sleep is probably a good idea. We’ve all talked your head off.” 

“See you in a bit, Dan,” Holly called, as they followed Dana outside.

Arin waited a beat to make sure he was the last to leave. “I’ll come back soon too, okay?” he told Dan. “Hang in there. ”

“We gotta have our shitty movie marathon,” Dan smiled. “Looking forward to it.” 

“Me too, dude.” Arin didn’t hesitate this time. He touched Dan’s head, on the side without the stitches, and then bent to kiss his stubbly cheek. He was treated to another smile.

“Take care of yourself, Arin,” Dan said softly.

“I will,” Arin promised, and meant it. For his own sake, and for Dan’s. “Sleep well, baby.”

Dan’s eyes crinkled up again, and Arin carried that image in his mind with him as he left the room.

**

Several things stuck in Arin’s head long after they’d all gathered together in the café area on the main level. He was undoubtedly happy - ridiculously, stupendously, over the fucking moon happy - but he couldn’t help but feel a little confused as well. He rubbed his mouth unconsciously as the back of his mind marveled at the way Dan still smelled so good, even after all that had happened and the lack of showering.

As he sipped a plain green tea and held up his end of the conversation, Arin let his mind try to wrap itself around the feelings that were stirring up deep inside himself. When it didn’t work, he turned his attention on the other problem - the one that was sitting hunched up in the corner, not talking, his hands wrapped firmly around an untouched green tea latte

Arin said, “Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Ross’s head jerked up. He was wearing grey sweatpants and his blue T-shirt had a coffee stain on it. He looked at Arin warily.

“Maybe outside?” Arin pressed.

Ross looked at Holly, but she was immersed in conversation with Barry and Suzy. Brian had just arrived and was busy eating a croissant. Arin guessed they were all trying to pretend not to hear. “Okay,” Ross finally said. “I’ll get my coat.”

Arin had never been out the back doors before. They walked out into a large well-landscaped courtyard, featuring a small indistinct lumpy statue in the center. Everything was covered in a thick blanket of wet snow, which sparkled in the morning sun. Arin let his eyes unfocus to watch the little glints of light dance at the corners of his vision, giving Ross a chance to collect himself. When he turned back around Ross was still hovering by the doors, his hands shoved in his pockets.

Arin gave him as much time as he could. “Alright,” he finally said. “Spill. What’s up with you?”

Ross’s jaw worked. “I don’t know what you mean.”

That was probably the biggest cop-out Arin had ever heard. “You know exactly what I mean,” he shot back before realizing that he was coming off as confrontational instead of concerned. He shoved his fingers through his hair and took a breath. “I’m not yelling at you, alright? I’m just stressed. Ignore me.” A thought struck him. He’d been snappy with everyone while Dan was in the coma. “Are you mad at me, Ross?”

Ross made brief eye contact, looking faintly surprised. “No - of course not.”

“So what’s wrong?”

“I can handle it,” Ross dodged the question again. “Listen, I know you’ve got a lot on your plate - you don’t have to worry about me on top of everything else.”

Arin was sick of feeling so helpless. “Ross…you don’t have to tell me anything - but fuck…we’re all in this together, right? We have to work together. Whatever you‘re dealing with, maybe I can help.”

“I’m sorry,” Ross muttered. “I’m sorry, okay? I know I’m being a dick.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. We’re all a little fucked up right now.” 

“Yeah,” Ross barked out a very un-Ross-like laugh. “You could say that.”

Arin decided to ask more specific questions. “You looked almost…nervous, when you came in to see Dan. It was like you didn’t want to talk to him.”

“Is that what I made you think?”

“Dude, I have no idea. I just didn’t get it. Are you freaked out by hospitals? You were fine the first night - or at least as fine as the rest of us.”

“I guess I thought…” Ross seemed to be choosing his words very carefully. “I thought Dan might not want to see me.”

“You mean that he’d want to see his family first?”

“No. I mean I thought he might be mad at me. I know he didn’t seem angry. Holly said he wouldn’t be…”

That wasn’t what Arin was expecting at all. The thought of Dan being mad at anyone was ludicrous. Instead of laughing it off, he chewed on the thought for a while. “Because you guys broke the visitor policy or whatever?”

“No,” Ross said tightly. “Because - before that.”

“You’re gonna have to give me a little more than that to work with,” Arin said, feeling lost.

Ross said, “Do you remember everything that happened the day Dan got hurt?”

“I see it every fucking time I close my eyes,” Arin answered honestly.

“Then you know. You remember. I didn’t do anything.” Ross inhaled sharply through his teeth. “I made everything worse. It’s all my fault.”

Arin was confused. “We couldn’t do anything but wait for the ambulance. How could you make it worse?”

“I mean - you and Brian and Barry were all being so good, just focusing on what had to be done. Keeping him warm and stuff, talking to him.”

“That was all Brian,” Arin said honestly. “I didn’t know jack shit.”

“But I just sort of…fell apart. Even after. I made it worse, with the things I said. I shoved Barry. You had to step in and act like a fucking adult for me, because I couldn’t. And it fucking stings to know that I can’t be relied on. That I can’t be there when my friends need me.” 

It sounded too careful, and Ross‘s voice was still tight. Arin guessed there was more to the story, but knew he shouldn’t push. “You _were_ there,” he argued. “We were all freaking out. It wasn’t just you. You didn’t even shove Barry, what the fuck? He tried to put an arm around you and you didn’t want it. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“Still…”

“Listen,” Arin told him firmly. “Nobody is blaming you for anything. You did nothing to feel bad about. When we were in the waiting room, you held up better than I did.”

Ross was chewing on his lower lip so hard that Arin was surprised not to see blood. “I don’t even remember half of that night. Maybe I was in shock. This all started later, after the coma thing. I just…I keep thinking that, if I’d been able to keep my fucking head on straight, maybe I could have done something to not let it get as bad as it did. And I - and I was the one who - ” His mouth snapped shut and he shook his head, then said, more slowly: “Do you remember why Dan turned back, after leaving the store?”

“Uh,” Arin cast his mind back. “Turned back? I guess I didn’t notice. Everyone was talking at once. Why? What could that possibly - ”

“It was me,” Ross said. “I was fucking around. He was way ahead of us. I called out to him, told him that he dropped something. I was going to catch him off guard and shove snow down his shirt.” Every word was becoming a struggle for him. “Dan turned back. He fell for it. I went to grab the snow, and I was fucking laughing. He came back toward me, and that’s when - that’s when - ” His face twisted. “Otherwise none of this would have fucking happened.” Suddenly the dam broke, and he covered his face with his hands, his whole frame shrinking in on itself as his misery burst forth.

“Oh,” Arin said thickly, and fuck if he wasn’t starting to cry again too. “Oh, Ross.” Ross wasn’t a hugger, but he let Arin pull him in for one anyway. Arin could feel Ross’s shoulders shaking,

“I didn’t mean to,” Ross said into his ear, his voice choked. “Arin, I swear. I didn’t fucking mean to - ”

“Stop it.” Arin tightened his grip. “It wasn’t your fault, Ross. You weren’t the asshole who pulled a fucking gun and started shooting in a public parking lot.”

“I didn’t even remember until we went back to the hotel,” Ross whispered. “I didn’t want to remember. But when I laid down in bed it all played out in my head again.”

“You didn’t know. None of us knew. That’s - that’s like saying it’s my fault for not leaving the hotel five minutes sooner because I was in the bathroom. If I hadn’t taken a shit, none of this would have happened. If the hotel checked us in a little faster, none of this would have happened. If we all walked a little faster, or slower, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“That’s stupid,” Ross said, and then realized. “Oh.”

“Exactly. It’s not your fault. You were there for him. You waited for him with us. We needed you there. _I_ needed you there.” Ross was relaxing into the hug, so Arin rubbed circles between his shoulder blades. “We all know you love him. Dan knows you love him. And he loves you too.”

“Holly said I was being ridiculous,” Ross admitted when they broke apart. “I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. And I needed to get that off my chest. Saying everything out loud…kinda helps make me feel better.”

“Talk to anyone,” Arin said, “and they’ll all tell you the same thing. If you start feeling guilty again, I promise I’ll be there to call you out for being a doof.”

Ross huffed out a more genuine laugh and scrubbed his face with his palms. “I’ll try to remember.”

“We went through some pretty traumatizing stuff, man.” Arin clapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t ever feel bad about having emotions. You’re human, Ross. Mostly, anyway.” He held out his hand.

Ross smiled. He grabbed Arin’s offered hand and used it to pull him in for another hug. 

“Thanks,” he said quietly into Arin’s ear.

When they rejoined their wives and friends, the atmosphere was noticeably lighter. Holly touched Arin’s arm when the others weren’t looking and gave him a warm smile, but that was it. 

As they all chattered together, Arin felt something he missed greatly. Normality. The sense of being excited for the days to come. He found himself sitting up a little straighter, noticing now that the crushing weight on his shoulders had disappeared. 

He knew he still had issues. He knew Dan still had a long road to recovery. He knew that his friends would still be dealing with their trauma for a long time to come. But Dan was going to be okay, and that was all that mattered. 

But there was still something bothering him, and he couldn’t figure out what it could be. Arin touched his mouth again and listened to Brian talking, nodding along at the right moments as he remembered the sheen of the fluorescent lights on Dan’s halo of curls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the ongoing support! I love each and every one of you that left kudos, comments or both.


	5. v.

The light hurt his eyes. The feeling of open air around him instead of four white walls was disconcerting and a little frightening. There were too many sights and smells and sounds. Every step he took made his eyes squint up against the throbbing pain that encompassed the right side of his body. 

Learning to walk again had been an experience straight from hell, and the physical therapy sessions only seemed to make everything hurt worse. But Dan was going home to LA, come hell or high water, no matter how much the others tried to convince him to wait and take it easy.

“I’ve waited _two weeks_ ,” Dan had finally snapped, his temper augmented by the lack of drugs his body had been used to receiving all day. “Fuck, I just want to go _home._ ” He was sick of the hospital, sick of being fed soft chalky meal replacement shakes, and being sponge-bathed by strangers. As soon as he was out of any real danger and able to move on his own, he wanted his freedom.

And so, two weeks to the day he’d woken up, he had been discharged from the hospital with a heavy prescription of painkillers and another round of antibiotics, a list of foods he couldn’t eat, instructions on when to seek emergency care in case of complications, and a list of activities he wasn’t supposed to do for at least eight weeks. Brian had insisted on taking them and copying out the instructions himself. Dan was pretty sure he’d given a copy to Arin, who was going to be staying with him for a few days while Dan regained the ability to take care of himself.

Of course, he’d stayed a weekend with his sister and his parents, but his usual enthusiasm was somewhat dulled by the way he couldn’t interact with everyone as he usually did. His nephews, whom he loved more than he could describe, were brought in to say hello and then quickly bustled off to a babysitter so they wouldn’t shout or try to climb all over Dan. And as much as she knew Dan cared for them, his short temper made Dana wary, and with good reason. Dan was sure he’d cursed more in the last twenty days than he had in his entire life. The doctors said he was healing, but Dan didn’t feel like it. Sometimes, when he’d gotten a good sleep and he’d just popped two of his pain pills, it was just extremely uncomfortable - but at other times, especially after he’d been exerting himself, it felt more like somebody was sawing him in half with a red-hot knife. 

The simplest things were beyond him. He couldn’t dress himself. He couldn’t transition from being seated to standing up on his own. He couldn’t fucking shower, couldn’t lift his arms to put on deodorant, could barely take a piss without crying. 

Dan hated it all. He wanted some peace and quiet. He wanted his home and his freedom back. 

So now he was walking at a snail’s pace through the airport terminal, fighting the fatigue, surrounded by all six of his friends. They had formed a protective circle around him. 

“I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed again,” Dan said out loud to nobody in particular, to general noises of agreement. He glanced up blearily at a screen showing LA’s temperature at seventy degrees. “Can’t wait for some nice weather too.”

Arin was oddly excited about staying with Dan. Dan didn’t understand why - he was going to be lousy company - but he appreciated it nonetheless. Arin’s presence behind him was comforting, even as the man gave a resounding gurgling burp almost right in his ear.

“Gross, Arin.”

“Oh, fuck, that was a good one,” Arin said. “I can still taste those Jewish dumplings.”

All six of them had been invited for dinner at Dana’s with Dan’s parents before they departed for the airport. His dad was of the opinion that traditional chicken soup was the solution for every illness or injury.

“That sounds oddly offensive,” Brian commented.

“What, Jewish dumplings? Hey, Dan,” Arin bounced in front of the crowd and walked backward so he could look at Dan giddily. “Are you my little Jewish dumpling?”

Leave it to Arin to make someone laugh even through pain and drug withdrawal. “They’re called kreplach,” Dan pronounced it carefully, his mouth quirking up in amusement as nearby strangers turned to stare at Arin, who was always unabashedly spastic in public.

“Say it,” Arin insisted. “I wanna hear you say it.”

“I’m your little Jewish dumpling, Arin,” Dan offered muzzily, and Arin beamed at him.

Getting out of the taxi and making his way through the terminal had been physically and mentally exhausting, and now Dan was quite literally dragging his feet. His sneaker skidded along the tiled floor and he stumbled, but caught himself in time to keep from falling. Another passerby almost bumped into him and Ross scowled as menacingly as he could. 

Ross had become oddly protective of Dan. He walked close alongside him, ready to help if needed. When Dan got out his pain pills, Ross opened the bottle for him and shook out two in his open palm. Dan murmured his thanks and popped them into his dry mouth.

Suzy came in on his other side, holding out a water bottle. “How are you holding up, Dan?” 

Dan took it and drank gratefully. “It’s not so bad,” he said truthfully. “I’m just super tired. The kind of tired where you’re not even sure what reality is anymore.” Everything sounded like he had water in his ears.

“Hopefully you can sleep on the plane,” said Brian. It was almost ten o’clock in the evening and the flight was just under six hours.

“Not if he sits next to you,” Barry groaned good-naturedly. “You sound like a mating warthog.”

“Oh, and your midnight farting sprees were just the most romantic experience of my life, Barry.”

“Dude, I could fall asleep right here, standing up.” Dan tried to smile. “I’m glad you two had fun sharing a hotel room. Now you know what I’ve been putting up with all these years.” 

“You’re a trooper,” said Barry. “I would have smothered him with a pillow a long time ago.”

Dan’s eyelids felt weighted and he didn’t hear the boarding call. He blinked drowsily and focused on following Arin as their exhausted little group lined up. Brian had to hand him his ticket. Somehow he made it on board, growing slowly deaf and blind to his surroundings. He didn’t remember sitting down. The last thing he was aware of before he passed out was the flight attendant nearest his seat, giving her safety demonstrations. She had golden highlights in her brown hair that reminded him of Arin.

When he woke up, they were cruising at thirty-thousand feet. His shoulder was damp with drool and his eyes felt red and itchy. Dan raised his throbbing head slowly, ignoring the itching in his scalp and the star-shaped puckered scar on his side where the chest tube had been taken out. The opiates he had to take worsened the itch. Everything was quiet and half of his fellow passengers were napping. 

Dan sat up slowly, collecting his bearings. He was in the window seat, so he wouldn’t be jostled, and Arin was next to him, with Suzy in the aisle seat. Ross, Holly, and Brian were behind them, and Barry was one row up. Dan looked out the window, gazing down at the scattered lights below them. He didn’t know where they were or how much time had passed. But he didn’t care. The flight was smooth, and Dan felt relatively at peace. 

Over the noise of the engine, Dan faintly heard Brian’s warbling, buzzing snores. It made him smile.

“Hey, Arin,” he said quietly, turning his head to the side. “You awake?” 

Arin’s hair had fallen across his face. Dan wanted to lift his hand to push it back, but he had learned very quickly how closely his arm muscles and chest were connected, and didn’t dare. The pain was at bay for the time being and Dan wanted to keep it that way.

“Hey, Ar,” Dan said again, just in case, but he had already figured that the man was asleep. Dan fought off a flash of loneliness and slowly lowered himself so that he could rest against Arin’s soft shoulder. Arin smelled like Speedstick, strawberries, and sweat. Dan floated blissfully for some time, listening to Arin’s loud breathing and occasional quiet snorts. When Arin began to mumble, Dan paid no mind, until he caught the faint sound of a whimper.

“Arin?” Dan lifted his head with difficulty. 

Arin’s face was shiny with sweat and the soft fine hairs around his temples were damp and sticking to his skin. His forehead was creased and the corners of his mouth were drawn downward. He turned his head from side to side, his frown deepening. “No,” he mumbled, still asleep. 

“Wake up, Arin. Hey. Hey, Arin.” Dan couldn’t use his arms to tap or shake him, so he pushed his face into Arin’s shoulder firmly. “Arin!”

Arin came awake with a snort and jerked forward, his arms flying up. Dan moved away just in time. Arin’s elbow grazed his scalp, but didn’t hit the healing wound there. His eyes snapped open and rolled wildly around the dimly-lit plane, filled with panic.

“Hey, it’s alright. Everything’s okay.” Dan was alarmed. Arin’s eyes met his own and the panic quickly faded, only to be replaced by guilt.

“Sorry, fuck, sorry.” Arin inhaled deeply. “Did I just elbow you in the fucking head?”

Dan said, “Don’t worry. My hair cushioned the blow.” He saw Arin wince and knew that his joke didn’t go over well, so he rushed to add, “You barely bumped me, dude. Don’t sweat it.”

Arin let out a long breath. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Dan said, chagrined.

“No,” Arin hastened to say. “I meant I was scared I hurt you.”

“Wouldn’t be your fault even if you did. ‘M all up in your space.” Dan had been much more comfortable sleeping on Arin. He resumed his old position on his friend’s shoulder.

“I like you all up in my space.” Arin carefully turned in his seat as much as he could and used his big hand to lightly rub the back of Dan’s neck. 

Dan smiled into Arin’s shoulder. “Oh really? On a scale of one to ten, how bad do I smell?” Three sponge baths in two weeks really wasn’t enough. 

“Gotta have some context,” Arin said. “What’s ten like?”

“Like your car after you took us all out for burritos at Lupe’s in September,” Dan said, and Arin shook quietly with laughter. His hand stopped moving but he kept it on the nape of Dan’s neck, the touch grounding him in place. “What were you dreaming about?” he asked when the giggles had faded.

“Doesn’t matter,” Arin yawned. “It’s over now.”

“More nightmares?” Dan pressed him, tilting his chin up to look at Arin’s face. They were closer than he realized, and Arin’s beard scratched lightly at the top of his forehead. Arin turned to press his downy soft cheek against him instead of pulling away. Dan liked the physical affection after being touched so clinically by all the strangers at the hospital. 

“I keep having the same ones,” Arin said after a beat. “Where I’m alone, and I don’t know where I am, but I know you’re gone and I can’t get you back.”

“That sounds awful.” Dan felt a tightness in his chest that had nothing to do with the damage done by the bullet.

“I’m going to talk to my therapist. About the dreams, and - well, everything.” Arin paused, and his thumb stroked back and forth across Dan’s skin. “What about you?”

“I don’t know,” Dan said honestly. 

“We haven’t talked about it a lot. Or at all. But it has to be a pretty big deal, psychologically.”

“It’s like I haven’t had the time,” Dan said slowly. “I feel like - all the physical shit that’s wrong with me is taking up all of my brain space. I’m too drugged-up to have nightmares.” He thought a moment. “I still don’t think I’ve fully gotten my head around the idea that it was my first real close call. That it could have all ended that night.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that idea,” Arin admitted. 

Dan didn’t want to think anymore. He yawned loudly and snuggled more firmly into Arin. “One thing at a time,” he said. “I’ll make an appointment when I’m a little more healed. For now, you guys are enough. More than enough. I’m glad you‘re going to stay with me.”

“Yeah?” Arin sounded pleased. “Me too, Dan. Me too.” 

His fingers began to knead the taut muscles where Dan’s neck met his shoulder, and it was so relaxing that Dan drifted off again. 

In his dreams, Arin’s arms were around him, and nothing hurt. Arin’s hands were in his hair, on his shoulders, on his back. Dan could lean all his weight against him. He rarely felt as small as he did next to Arin. Dream-Arin was talking, laughing in his spastic way, making Dan laugh until his face hurt. Arin’s big hands could wrap around his arms so easily, and he smelled like home and all the things that Dan missed about his normal life. Dan held on and wished that this moment could go on forever.

But the landing was not as smooth as the flight, and Dan was thrust out of dreamland with a vengeance as he was jolted forward and shifted sideways. He cried out wordlessly, the sound sticking in his clenched throat. The agony made the motion sickness of the descent worse than he’d ever known. 

Arin’s face was white. He was saying something to Dan anxiously, but he couldn’t hear a fucking word. The buildings below were whizzing by as the plane swooped low over the Los Angeles skyline. He tried to swallow the spit in his mouth and gagged on it. Everybody seemed to be looking at him, anxious but unable to help. 

Dan somehow managed not to pass out, but it was a near thing. With one final jolt, the wheels were down, and the plane was slowing. Dan’s lips drew back in a grimace and he tipped his head back as they rolled to a complete stop.

“Dan?” Arin was leaning over, undoing Dan’s seatbelt for him. “You still with us?”

“I - I think so.”

There was too much going on around him. Too many different sounds. A few people applauded the landing. There were bangs and bumps, the snap of suitcases closing. The sharp tinny sound of the voice through the speakers. Dan groaned, hating all the noise, but especially the sharp, explosive sounds that reminded him of - 

“Hey,” Arin said as quietly as he could. All the passengers were standing up now, ready to file off the plane. Time was moving in a very jerky way. “Dan, are you okay?”

“No,” he managed. “Yeah, no, not at all. Oh, god, I - ” Dan felt his stomach begin to churn again, his head pounding, his whole body breaking into a cold sweat. “Pretty sure I’m gonna barf, dude. Or die. Or both.” The airplane suddenly seemed very small and way too warm. 

“Almost there,” Arin said desperately. “We’re almost off the plane, Dan, hold on. Hold on.”

Ross moved to get behind Dan before any stranger could, leaving space between them so Dan wouldn’t be crowded. Arin did the same in front. As they came down the stairs, Ross’s hands were hovering behind his shoulders, ready to catch him if he fell back. Somehow his feet kept moving as his vision blurred and his mouth began to produce more saliva, a tell-tale sign that he was definitely, without a doubt, going to -

“Fuck,” was all Dan managed to say before he heaved and bent forward. His chest screamed in protest at the sudden movement, but he couldn’t help it. The pain was everywhere, from his head to his hip, like metal staples crawling in his veins. 

Brian was the fastest. He grabbed the plastic-lined paper bag he’d pocketed and thrust it beneath Dan’s face just in time. Dan retched into it, splattering vomit into his hair and down his chin, and then Arin’s hands were there to pull the rest of his hair out of the way. Dan retched again and felt the acidic bile stinging the inside of his nose, making him feel like he was drowning.

“It’s okay, Dan, get it all up,” Arin murmured, bracketing Dan’s smaller body and holding his hip with his free hand.

Someone else was touching his hair now. It was Holly, wrapping a hair elastic around the handful of curls that Arin was having a hard time holding onto. The cool breeze on his bare neck felt good. The next gag brought forth nothing but a string of thin yellowish bile mixed with the snot dripping freely from his nostrils. 

Other passengers gave him a wide berth, those behind them coming to a halt as they murmured their disgust while those in front of them hurried along faster, shooting nervous looks back. Dan had no time to feel humiliated between trying to breathe and trying not to choke on his own vomit. 

Someone was wiping at his chin with a moist cloth that smelled heavily of lemon. It was Suzy, who had thought to bring a little package of Wet Wipes. Dan was absurdly grateful for her ability to plan ahead. She got most of the mess, opened a fresh one, and wiped the rest from where it had splattered higher up his face.

“Pass me a couple?” Brian asked Suzy, a little urgently.

Dan realized belatedly that he had barfed all over Brian’s hand. “Sorry,” he hiccupped. “I’m sorry, Brian.”

“If you think I haven’t been puked on before, you haven’t been listening to any of my parenting stories,” Brian said as he wiped off his hands.

Dan’s face was wet with tears and sweat and his mouth tasted awful. Somehow, they got him off the plane and into the terminal. His eyes were so blurry that he could barely pass through security without walking into one of the scowling guards. As soon as everyone was through, Arin and Barry hustled him into the men’s room and helped him wash his hands and face, then swish his mouth with water. The pain was intense. Dan wondered if he had vomited up any of his medication and if he should take more. Opiates could be dangerous. 

“I want to go home,” he croaked, which was a stupid thing to say because they were all trying to go home.

“We just have to wait for Rachel to pick us up,” Barry comforted him. “She’s bringing the minivan so we can all fit. Brian’s on the phone now, trying to get her to the right terminal. Just one more short walk and then you can sit down and rest.”

“I told her to bring one of our travel pillows for you,” Brian said as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. “She says five minutes, guys. Let’s get him outside. Ross, can you grab - ”

“Got it.” Ross struggled under the weight of three bags: his own, Dan’s, and Arin’s, so that Arin had his hands free to help Dan. He was the last one to climb in the minivan when Rachel pulled up to the curb. The sound of the trunk slamming closed made Dan jump and wince. Arin put a hand on his knee and said something soft and calming that Dan didn’t catch.

Rachel was as good as her word. There was a pillow and a soft throw blanket in the middle seat, the one easiest to climb in and out of. “Hey, Danny,” she greeted him, not fazed by his grunted reply. Arin put the pillow behind Dan’s head before he eased down into the seat, and it made it easier for him to lean back without help. Nobody spoke above a low murmur in the car as Dan’s eyes closed, but he wasn’t sleeping this time, try as he might. The day had been far too eventful for him.

Rachel was a good, smooth driver, and the half-hour ride felt like nothing compared to the hell they’d already gone through. That was probably good for everybody. Dan’s nerves were shot and he was close to snapping. 

“Are we just dropping him off?” Barry asked Brian as they pulled into Dan’s driveway. “Feels a little weird.”

“You guys have all been together so much, I’m not surprised,” Rachel answered.

Dan wasn’t expecting everyone to get out of the car, but he supposed they wanted to say goodbye. His temper was getting the best of him again and he didn’t want to talk to anybody. _Just let me go,_ he thought. _Just let me get to my bed._ Someone opened his door for him and he tried to swing his legs out slowly. Without being asked, hands shot out from all directions. He let himself be pushed up gently by a hand on the small of his back, and once on his feet he swayed unsteadily. His eyes were pulsing in time with the throbbing in his head. 

Barry hesitated. “Arin, are you sure this is something you can handle on your own?”

“It’s fine,” Arin said. “I’m up for it.”

“I can stop by tomorrow,” Brian offered. 

Rachel said, “You could stay tonight, hon. I don’t have a problem with it.”

“Maybe it would be better if I came,” Ross chimed in. “I know you want to see your daughter, Brian. And Barry, your girlfriend is waiting for you. I have nothing planned. Me and Holly are both free.”

“That might work,” Barry said slowly. “We could take turns…”

“Our bird-sitter can probably handle a few extra days,” Holly agreed.

“He could use an extra person or two.”

Arin hummed pensively. “Well, someone decide quick. He looks tired.”

Dan’s sore muscles tensed in annoyance. He hated this. He hated everything. He hated being so fucking helpless, hated everyone talking for him like he was stupid. He may be hurt, but he wasn’t blind, deaf, and mute.

“It’s _my house_ you’re all talking about,” he called out roughly. “Thanks for inviting yourselves in.” 

Everybody looked surprised. “Of course,” Ross said. “We meant, only if you want, but - ”

“Well, I’m right here, and nobody’s asked me yet.” Dan raised his voice. “Did I turn invisible? Why does everybody keep acting like I’m incapable of making my own decisions? I’m only physically handicapped. I’m not braindead, for fuck’s sake.”

“Have you taken your pills, Dan?” Brian asked, far too calmly.

“What does that mean? Am I not allowed to be legitimately pissed off?” Dan was working up a good anger now, and it felt _good_ to get it all out. Even if he knew on some level that Brian’s assessment of the reason for his mood was spot-on. “What do you think I am? A fucking junkie?”

“No, Dan. I read your medication schedule, I’m not sure if you remembered to - ”

“I can read too,” Dan bit out, his hands balling into fists. His face was hot, but it was nothing compared to the burning pain in his chest. “I don’t fucking know whether I puked the last ones up or not, and I don’t know what time it is, but I’ll fucking take them when I want to and it’s none of your business. I’ll figure it out. I’m not stupid.”

“I know, Dan.” Brian was still so calm, and Dan wanted to fucking shake him.

“Do you want us to leave you alone for a bit?” Suzy asked, more quietly than usual.

“No,” Dan said loudly. “I just want everybody to stop treating me like a child. I know you all think I’m pathetic - ”

“Nobody thinks you’re pathetic!”

“ - but I fucking dare any of you to go through this shit without feeling just a little fucking annoyed at everyone talking down to you like you’re five years old.”

Brian tried to pass the bottle of pills to Dan. “Here. Take two. Do you need water?”

Dan grabbed the clear bottle from Brian’s hands and hurled it at the door. The motion made him grunt in pain. He was too weak to throw with any real force. The bottle skittered noisily across the concrete landing and spun off into the bushes.

Barry looked alarmed. “Dan, hey, calm - ”

“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!” Dan suddenly realized from the scratching in his throat that he was screaming, not talking. Curtains moved in the windows of the house across the street. It was past midnight in LA and he was causing a giant fucking scene, screaming his head off at his best friends. His mouth snapped shut hard enough to hurt. 

The weight of his words and actions hit him all at once, and the shame was much, much worse than the anger ever could be. Dan looked at all the white faces around him. The faces of his friends, who stood by his side for _weeks_ , completely ignoring their own personal lives and families to be there for him. And Brian’s wife, who had stayed up so late and found a babysitter just to pick him up from the airport. Dan was an ungrateful bastard and he knew it and he _still_ wanted to keep yelling and whining. He had the best friends a person could ask for, and he hated them for caring about him. What the fuck was _wrong_ with him? 

“Oh, shit,“ Dan groaned without thinking. “I wish I just would have fucking died.”

There was a noise like a drain sucking as everyone seemed to gasp at once. Then Suzy gave a little hitching sob, and Arin put his arms around her. 

Dan wanted to put his hands over his ears like a coward so he wouldn’t have to hear it, any of it. Barry and Holly were looking at the ground, their lips tight. Ross had put an arm over his face, and Holly was tearing up, and even fucking _Brian_ was wiping his eyes. Rachel had slid back into the van quietly.

_There’s a new fucking record for you, Dan. You made three of your friends cry at once. Want to keep it up, see if you can get them all going?_

Ross turned away and bent to pick up the bottle of pills. He hesitated, then gave them to Arin, who’s hand was shaking so badly he nearly dropped them again.

“You don’t mean that,” Brian said. “Dan, you don’t - you can’t really think - ”

“It would’ve made things easier,” Dan muttered, riding out another rolling wave of pain in his head. Now that the words were out, he wished he could take them back.

Suzy broke from Arin’s grasp to come take Dan’s hand between both of her own. His hand was so big and bony compared to hers. Her soft touch made him stop shivering. He didn’t know when he started.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to her. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just been a long day, and I need…I need some peace and quiet. I need something to make it all stop for a while.”

Suzy nodded, her eyes shining in the dark. “Do you still want Arin to stay with you?”

Dan could only nod. _If he still wants to after how I’ve been acting._

“We love you, Dan,” Suzy said for all of them as she lowered his hand back to his side. “I’ll come back soon.”

Whispered words were exchanged, and Arin came over to stand by Dan’s side as the subdued crowd murmured quiet goodbyes and climbed back in the van one by one. Dan was glad he couldn’t see their faces anymore. His stomach was heavy and cold with guilt.

Arin watched Dan fumble with his keys and push the door open with great effort as if it weighed a few hundred pounds. As much as Dan wanted to take care of himself, he had to sit on the bench in the foyer so Arin could kneel and unlace his sneakers for him. Arin kept his head low so his hair would cover his face. When Dad did grab a glimpse of his expression, he couldn’t tell if his friend was angry, or sad, or both. He was uncharacteristically quiet.

“I didn’t mean it,” he said as Arin helped him to his feet. The silence of his house was so strange. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Arin replied shortly as he unzipped Dan’s jacket and eased it off his arms. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”

“I’m not suicidal,” Dan said because that seemed important to establish. “I just hate myself a little bit right now. Or a lot.”

“We can talk about it tomorrow,” was all Arin could say. “Dan, I love you, but right now I just - I’m done. I can’t handle watching both you and Suzy cry in the same day, okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan said hoarsely. “I get that.” _I did that. I made her cry._ Arin must hate him so much.

“You mind if I take a shower? I’ll help you get in bed first.”

“Go ahead,” Dan said numbly.

The stairs were hard, but on some sick level, Dan welcomed the pain, telling himself he deserved it after what he did. He could tell Arin was tired, and pissed off, and half-dead himself, but he didn’t complain. This time, when Dan was given his meds, he didn't pitch a fit. Dan swallowed them down with water from the sink and then swished with mouthwash, too tired to try brushing his teeth. 

Arin, however angry, was incredibly gentle as he helped Dan out of his jeans and shirt. Dan could sit on his own, but he had to get Arin to lean him back slowly onto the pillows. When he was comfortable, Arin tugged off his socks one at a time and arranged the blanket over him. Dan, his eyes already closed, hummed in thanks. Arin didn’t reply, and spent some time shuffling around the room unpacking things from their bags. 

“I’ll bring a glass of water soon,” he said, then left for the bathroom before Dan could reply.

He heard the toilet flush and then the sound of the shower start up. Dan opened his eyes and stared at the brightly-lit gap beneath the bathroom door and frowned as he realized that he had never exactly told Arin where to sleep. The couch was comfortable enough. Earlier, he had thought to let Arin sleep in his own bed - just in case, Dan had told himself - but now he didn’t want to ask and be rejected. 

It was then, as he listened to Arin’s feet squeak in the tub and the water pattering down around him, that Dan noticed Arin had put the dinosaurs Suzy had bought for him on his bedside table. He felt a lump in his throat. Braving the pain, he stretched an arm out with great effort to grab the blue stegosaurus. He clutched it against the good side of his chest and thought about Suzy, crying for him, crying _because_ of him. Dan didn’t want to break down again. He resolved to try harder. If he could be half as good and sweet and caring as Suzy or Arin, or any of his friends, that would be good enough for him.

Arin didn’t take long in the shower. Shortly after the water stopped, Dan heard him step quietly into the room, using his phone as a flashlight so he wouldn’t disturb him. Dan’s eyes slitted open to watch. Arin was wearing only a towel and his back was broad and smooth. His damp hair was combed neatly and tucked behind his ears.

“Arin?” Dan called softly. 

Arin went still. “Yes?”

“Do you want to sleep in here?” he dared ask.

Arin was quiet for some time. The light of his phone disappeared. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I do, but if you’d rather I - ”

“I want you with me.” Dan had never felt so fucking alone in his life. “I think I kinda need you with me, big cat.”

“Yeah?”

“Please.” Dan squeezed his eyes shut as he pushed back the memory of the pain he’d caused Arin and the others.

“Okay. Hold on, I’m coming.”

Dan heard Arin unzip his own bag, and then rustling sounds as he put on clean clothes for bed. It was just light enough in the room for him to see that Arin was wearing boxers and a black wifebeater.

“Tell me if anything hurts,” Arin said as he gingerly laid down on the free side of the bed. Dan shifted slightly with the movement of the mattress, but he could handle it. He wanted to lay on his side but the only position he could manage was flat on his back. 

Arin shuffled around, making himself comfortable as quietly as he could, and then, after a beat of silence, his arm slowly made its way across Dan’s stomach. The weight of it was comforting, holding Dan in place.

“Is this okay?” Arin whispered in the dark.

“Yes,” Dan whispered back, feeling a pleasant tingling warmth flood his body. He’d slept over at Arin’s in their guest bedroom, and Arin had slept on his couch when he still lived with Barry, but this was different. “Yeah, it is.” 

If he could, he’d reciprocate, maybe curl up against Arin’s side to feel the warmth and softness of his body. Arin would probably grumble about how bony Dan was and how cold his feet were, and then Dan would purposely try and get his icy feet against Arin’s legs as they both giggled themselves breathless.

They laid in silence for some time until Dan finally broke it with the question he didn’t want to face. “Ar? Do you think everyone will forgive me?”

“Mmh?” Arin had almost been asleep. He cleared his throat noisily, looked over at Dan, and let out a breath. “Don’t be stupid, Dan. You know they will. It was a long day for you.”

“Do _you_ forgive me?”

Arin just sighed. “I’m cuddling with you in bed. You tell me.”

“Oh,” Dan said. “Okay.” He looked at Arin’s lips, remembering the way they had felt on his cheek, his forehead. He swallowed hard. Why did he feel like he wanted to -

“Arin, I want…” Dan began, and flushed as he caught himself just in time. 

“What d’you want, Dan?” Arin asked after a very pregnant pause. He spoke in an odd tone.

Dan knew he wasn’t thinking straight from the long day and the opiates and the life-threatening injuries. It was a side effect of having to rely on Arin so much, and he’d probably forget about it once his head was back on right. He was confused and sick and tired. And he definitely didn’t want to make Arin feel obligated to respond for fear of hurting his feelings and having Dan freak out again. It was a bad idea all around and he hoped that, with a good long sleep, he’d forget this whole thing and wake up feeling normal.

With a great effort, he pushed it to the back of his mind.

“Nothing,” Dan whispered, feeling lonely once again. “Go back to sleep, big cat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to whatwiththeegobangandsuch for beta reading this chapter! <3  
> And thank you all for the comments, kudos, and love!


	6. vi.

Arin used a magnet in the shape of a Mario question block to attach the doctor’s instructions on Dan’s diet to his fridge, then opened said fridge and frowned. 

He had gotten up hoping to start the day off on a good note by bringing Dan breakfast. But they really hadn’t planned this out well. Dan had frozen bagels and cream cheese, mustard, butter, canned soup, and orange juice - and not much else. And he couldn’t eat anything spicy, salty, or acidic. _I should call somebody and ask them to bring us some groceries._

Arin found a box of crackers and helped himself to a handful to ease his rumbling stomach. It was eight-thirty in the morning. Barry and Ross were almost definitely still asleep, and would be until at least ten. Suzy would probably pull herself out of bed closer to noon. He had sent her a text as soon as he woke up, but didn’t even bother looking for a response. His wife was not a morning person. Neither was he, for that matter. 

But there was always Brian, who would be exhausted like the rest, but awake for his daughter.

Arin reached instinctively for his phone, but paused, remembering Dan’s anger the night before. Arin would absolutely have to ask him first. He knew that Dan regretted what he’d said but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a kernel of truth to it. This was Dan’s life. Dan’s house. Arin was the guest, and he didn’t have the right to invite people over. 

Arin followed the dry crackers with a glass of water, checked his reflection in the mirror near the foyer, and headed back upstairs to check on Dan. He gave a light knock at the bedroom door and when it went unanswered, he let himself in.

Dan’s body had radiated heat all night, and he had been kicking weakly at the blanket in his sleep. Arin had taken it off and covered him with a sheet instead. Not to be deterred, Dan had somehow wriggled out of the sheet too, despite being in exactly the same position Arin had left him in - flat on his back, arms at his sides, gangly grasshopper legs slightly spread. The stuffed stegosaurus was snuggled up next to Dan’s waist, having somehow escaped being thrown off like the covers. Arin found it hard not to smile, even with the usual queasiness that came from seeing Dan’s injuries in decent light.

Dan wore fewer bandages now. The ones that remained covered only the bullet hole itself and the surgery scars next to it. The newly exposed parts of his chest were splashed with greenish-yellow and a violet so dark it looked like ink stains. Dan had lost weight in the hospital and his waist looked small enough to fit in Arin’s hands. 

When his gaze flickered back up to Dan’s face, he saw that his eyes were open.

“Morning,” Arin said lightly, turning quickly to rifle through his backpack as if he hadn’t been staring. 

Dan blinked a few times and looked over at the window. The sunlight was streaming in through the gap in the curtains. “Hey,” he said in a voice rough with sleep. “What time s’it? How long have you been up?”

“Eight forty-five. And maybe half an hour?” Arin guessed. “You wanna get up too, or should I let you sleep longer?”

Dan’s eyebrows scrunched briefly. “I could probably sleep more, but…uh, I kinda have to pee.”

“I’ll help you up.” Arin dropped his bag and came to Dan’s side.

“Cool.” Dan lifted his wrists from where they lay limply at his side and made grabby-hand motions. His smile was forced, and Arin could tell that he was feeling a little ashamed for not being able to do something as simple as stand up on his own. 

He didn’t want to offer excessive reassurance and come off as pitying, so he just said, “Your shampoo is awesome.”

“Yeah?” Dan pulled himself up enough for Arin to get his hands behind his shoulders. Arin’s hair, still slightly damp, brushed against Dan’s face as he manoeuvred the man into a sitting position. Dan swung his legs off the side of the bed and let Arin lift him to his feet from there. “You had another shower?” 

“Hope you don’t mind.” Arin had woken up in a cold sweat several times in the night, suffering a few intense but short periods of sleep paralysis. His dreams had been vague and half-formed, images of waking up to Dan’s corpse beside him filling his mouth with dark sweet horror. _Don‘t remember them. The more you think about the nightmares, the more they’ll come back._ “It helped wake me up. I may have used your body wash stuff, too.”

Dan twitched one shoulder in what passed as a shrug. Once he was on his feet, he shook back his mane of hair and said, “I should try showering too.”

“After your meds?” Arin prompted. “After breakfast? You need to take all the pills with food.”

Dan tottered towards the bathroom on shaky legs. “What’s for breakfast?”

“I was gonna ask you,” Arin sat on the empty bed and picked up the dinosaur. It’s happy plastic eyes stared in slightly different directions. “You don’t have much. Maybe I could call Brian, get him to bring us some stuff?” When he got no reply, he raised his voice slightly. “Dan?”

“I heard,” Dan called over the noise of the toilet flushing. A minute later, he appeared in the doorway, dabbing himself with a towel. Arin guessed he’d tried to wash his face but couldn’t bend down far enough not to get water everywhere. His boxers were slouching past his hipbones, slightly too big on his half-starved frame. There was another bruise there, on his right hip. Arin wondered how he got it. “I just, um. Brian. After last night, what I said…” 

“I thought we talked about this,” Arin said to the stuffed animal in his lap so he wouldn’t stare. “He’s not going to be mad at you.”

“I was a complete ass in front of Rachel.”

“You had a long day,” Arin repeated the words he’d said the night before.

“So did they.” 

_They’re not the ones who almost died,_ Arin thought, but he changed the subject instead. “I could get Suzy to go, but we’ll have to wait until she wakes up. Which won’t be for a while. We have to change your bandage sooner than later, too. And clean underneath.”

“I can do it myself. The washing at least. I can shower, if I’m careful.”

Arin thought about the slipperiness of the tub, the dangers of the smooth tiled floor when wet. Dan couldn’t afford to fall. His broken sternum and damaged ribs wouldn’t hold up well. “Sounds reckless.”

Dan laughed. “It’s just a shower,” he said, but Arin could see the flicker of frustration in his eyes, followed almost as quickly by dull acceptance. “But maybe you’re right.”

Arin said, “If you sat on the edge of the tub, we could run the water and I could help you - ”

“Maybe later. Forget I said anything.” Dan obviously didn’t want Arin’s clumsy attempts at comfort. “I need my pills before anything else. You’re right.”

“I’ll try Barry,” Arin offered. 

“He won’t be awake yet. Do you want to go instead?” Dan tried to sound flippant. He tossed his head to get his hair out of his face and grabbed a stick of deodorant from the bathroom counter. Arin struggled not to wince at the sight of him trying to lift up his arms to apply it. He wasn’t sure if the wetness at Dan’s temples was water or sweat. “I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Sure, I could.” Arin could be fast. He dropped his eyes to check his phone just in time to miss Dan overbalance and stumble sideways, colliding with the doorframe with a bang and a resounding curse.

“You alright?” Arin asked in alarm, and his heart stopped when Dan’s mouth opened in a silent cry of pain. Arin stood up fast, wanting to hug, unable to pull Dan into his arms like he wanted to. He had to be so gentle. 

Dan stood still and let the careful embrace happen, neither helping nor hindering. His body trembled with tension. 

“Dan?”

“I’m okay. I - ah, shit, Arin. Can’t - ” Dan’s teeth clamped together and he inhaled sharply. On the exhale, he managed to say, “I think my fucking chest is going to explode.”

Arin had experienced the kind of pain that took your breath away. There was nothing he could do for Dan but wait for it to subside and comfort him. Within a few minutes, Dan straightened up, panting with exertion.

“I really don’t want to leave you alone,” Arin murmured to him. “Of course I’ll go, if that's what you really want, but - ”

“I know,” Dan closed his eyes. “You’re stuck here. I can‘t do anything by myself.”

“I‘m not _stuck_ here,” Arin said. The thought of not wanting to spending time with Dan was stupid. “Trust me. I want to be here with you.” 

“Yeah, I’m just a fucking barrel of laughs, aren’t I? Just what you wanted to do with the first chunk of time off you’ve had in a year - baby-sit a whiny fucking cripple.” 

“Stop it,” Arin said, wishing he could cover his ears. “Dan, just - stop.”

“Being a burden is so much fun. No wonder you all tried to make me stay in the hospital.”

“Fucking stop it, Dan, I’m not listening to this shit anymore. You have to - ”

“Then _go_ ,” Dan tried to spit, but the hurt in his voice was too obvious. “You don’t have to put up with me. I don’t know why you tried.”

“I mean I’m not going to put up with you putting yourself down anymore,” Arin clarified. “I’m not leaving you, Dan.”

Dan’s anger was brief, like a summer storm. He went silent and let Arin put his arms around his middle. After a while, Dan lowered his head onto Arin’s shoulder, accepting the comfort. 

Arin waited, feeling Dan’s breath on his skin. Finally, the man said, “It’s not you, Arin.“

“I know.”

“This doesn’t feel like me. The mood swings.”

“It’s the pills,” Arin said. “I read all the side effects.”

“Makes me feel like I’m not in control of my own mind,” Dan’s voice cracked. “And that scares the shit out of me, because I already can’t be in control of my body. Arin, I - I’m scared of feeling like this for too long.”

“Scared of what?” 

“I remember being depressed,” Dan said. “I remember trying to love myself, even just _like_ myself, and not being able to. Trying to look forward to things but just being apathetic all the time. It’s like living in this grey fog that goes on forever, and it can creep down your throat and choke you if you let it. I don’t think I’m back there yet, but - well, being angry at myself just feels like step one. Step two is giving up. And I know I can‘t give up - my parents made me promise. My sister made me promise..”

“I won‘t let you. I won‘t let it get that bad.”

Some of the tension left Dan’s body when he pushed himself harder against Arin. “But I can’t handle this for eight fucking weeks, Arin.”

“It won’t be this bad the whole time,” Arin put the palm of his hand lightly on Dan’s back. “These first few days are gonna be the worst. Don’t be angry at yourself. Of course it fucking hurts, and of course you need help. You‘re not gonna give up. You‘re nowhere near giving up.”

“How do you know that?” Dan’s eyes were desperate for some hope to cling to.

“You didn’t before,” Arin pointed out. “You recovered from depression. You kicked depression’s ass.”

Dan smiled briefly and said. “Thanks, Arin - but, well…you read that it’s a side effect of my meds, yeah?” Dan looked into Arin’s face and Arin could see the fear there. “Depression and suicidal thoughts. Along with the mood swings.”

Arin had. His heart seized for a moment. “You aren’t - ”

“No, no, I’m not having - I’m not,” Dan hastened to say. “I’m just freaked out by how badly I need to take these stupid pills, when they can do so much damage.”

“Okay,” Arin said. “Worst-case scenario - all the side effects do happen. Which they won’t. But if they do, are you telling me that you think you can survive being shot in the chest, then survive a coma, but somehow aren’t strong enough to win a second round with depression?”

One corner of Dan’s mouth turned up in an almost-smile. “I’m not that strong.”

“You keep saying that,” Arin scoffed, “but your doctor and all the nurses seem to think otherwise. Not to mention all of your friends.”

Dan pressed his full lips together and straightened his back slowly. He nodded slowly. All the redness that had flushed his face in his anger had faded.

Arin met his eyes again and said simply, “Better now?”

“I think so,” Dan said, and then: “I’ll text Brian. You don’t have to do everything for me. It helps when I can manage to do some things for myself.”

“Sure,” Arin said easily. 

“Ah, shit. But I will need help to put on pants.”

“It’s your house. You don’t have to.” Arin waited a beat. “I can take mine off to make you feel better about it.”

Dan sounded more like himself when he laughed and ducked away from Arin. “I’m sure Brian would love to walk in on that.”

“You could put on a bathrobe,” Arin suggested. He didn’t mind helping Dan dress, but he didn’t want Dan upset by his own limitations, either.

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“Or go naked.”

“Arin!” Dan was giggling. “I have stretchy pyjama pants in the bottom drawer of the wardrobe. Easier than dealing with a button and zipper.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll get ‘em.” 

“And - Arin?”

“Yeah?” Arin straightened up, holding the pants Dan had requested. They were plaid and flannel, and felt so soft in Arin’s hands.

Dan met his eyes again. “Thank you. For being here, for cuddling me last night, for helping me this morning - I hope you know how fucking awesome you are, man. Thanks for being patient and - and believing in me when I can’t.”

Arin couldn’t think of any way not to make it sound cheesy, but he had to say, “It’s easy when it’s you. You make it easy to love you.”

He missed the way the tips of Dan’s ears went red. They matched the colour of Arin’s cheeks perfectly.

**

Brian looked tired but well enough when Arin came downstairs. He was being careful to give Dan his space when he could, and he’d figured the two old friends would want to have a talk about the night before. It was obvious that Dan’s fears about Brian being mad were unfounded. They were chattering happily when Arin walked in the kitchen.

“Did you fall in?” Brian asked amiably without even looking at Arin. Dan’s fridge was open and Brian was bent over in front of it, unloading four huge bags of food. 

“Good morning to you too.” Arin leaned against the counter and looked at all the supplies. “I wasn’t in the bathroom. I was getting caught up on answering all the emails and messages I’ve been getting over the last week.” Arin spotted a loaf of brioche and began to slice it in two halves. “Did you get eggs, Brian?”

“Did you really ask if I got the only thing you know how to cook?” Brian handed him the carton. Arin pulled out a mixing bowl and a pan. He’d been in Dan’s house often enough to know where everything was.

Dan was sitting in one of his kitchen chairs, eating a banana in slow tiny bites. “What kind of messages?”

Arin couldn’t remember if he’d told Dan about the announcement he’d made on behalf of Game Grumps. “Have you checked out our social media at all since you woke up?”

“Not really.” Dan said. “I know I was on the news. Barry told me. When I turned on my phone, I had about two hundred text notifications.”

“I told everyone we were taking a break. An indefinite hiatus, all of us. It was just a short video I filmed on webcam in our hotel in Jersey. About a week ago.”

“You told them what happened?”

“They already knew. It went around our subreddit, Youtube, everything. I didn’t want to tell your story for you, but I also wanted to clear up the rumours.”

“Rumours that I died?” Dan guessed.

Arin winced. He hadn’t wanted to say it. “Yeah. I felt I had to say something from our official account. I linked to one of the articles that was honest but not too detailed.”

“We’ll lose subscribers if we stop uploading stuff,” Dan pointed out.

Arin exchanged a look with Brian and said, “Uh, Dan? We gained like, a hundred thousand since last week.”

Dan stared. “What? How?”

“A nice channel promotion on the news helps,” Brian said. “You were referred to as, ‘The victim, Dan Avidan of the Youtube gaming channel Game Grumps’…”

“I guess ‘Danny Sexbang from Ninja Sex Party’ doesn’t look as good on a headline,” Dan offered, and Arin laughed.

“Plus,” Brian said, “Mark made a video for you. Jack made a video for you. Rhett and Link gave you a shout-out. Every Youtuber you’ve ever met, and probably a ton that you haven’t, have been tweeting messages of support to you. Fucking _Sia_ tweeted about you. You should probably check your PO box sooner than later. I’m pretty sure you’ll get flooded with gifts from fans.”

“You’ll get more gifts from your friends as well as the fans,” Arin put in. “I told the people we know to give you a little while to adjust being back home.”

Brian smiled. “You’ll love what Mark got you. He told Arin and I what he did.”

Arin had almost forgotten. “Oh, fuck. You definitely will.”

Dan was looking overwhelmed. “Oh, wow. All that for me? I had no idea.”

“You’re kind of a big deal, Dan,” Arin said.

Dan smiled at Arin, but then frowned as if something was still troubling him. “But - is everyone okay with the break? If we have all these new subscribers, it would be a great time to put out some new stuff.” Dan looked to Brian. “I don’t want to put you guys out of work, just for me. That doesn’t make me feel good.”

“Dan,” Brian said. “We love you, but it’s not just for you. You think it was easy for any of us? Watching it happen?”

“Oh,” Dan said, looking chagrined in an almost puppyish way. “I guess not?”

“I know it’s too early for this heavy shit, and you need your meds, and probably a nap,” Brian began, staring directly at Dan now, “but, just for the record, I haven’t slept all night in two goddamn weeks, and I spent last night on the couch so I wouldn’t wake my wife up every time I woke up crying. I need a break. Arin needs a break. It’s not my place to tell you how Ross and Barry are dealing right now, but they need a break, too.”

Arin looked at his feet and bit his lip. He was grateful for Brian taking the firm stance that Arin couldn’t always manage. 

Dan’s eyes had gone round. He held the eye contact that Brian’s glowing stare commanded until Brian got up suddenly and took Dan’s hand, squeezing it gently. Then Dan broke, and stared at the ground. Arin snuck a glance to make sure he wasn’t crying. As far as he could tell, Dan was okay. Just a little stunned.

“You’re not going to feel guilty, okay, Dan? I’m not gonna let you. And neither is Arin.” 

Arin nodded and tried to look as stern as Brian. Dan looked between both of them and then said, in a rather impressed way, “Okay. Yeah, okay, I hear you.”

“Good,” Brian said, and then, more softly, “I hope you had a good sleep last night.”

“I think I got a solid eight hours,” Dan said. 

Arin added, “I probably got six. Probably the most I’ve had all week.”

“Dan’s couch is pretty comfortable,” Brian agreed.

Dan had just taken another bite of his banana. It took a while for him to chew, swallow, and then say, “Nah, he slept with me.”

Arin began to whisk his eggs, staring into the bowl. He felt two laser beams boring into the back of his head and glanced over to see Brian fixing him with a scrutinizing stare.

“It was nice,” Dan went on, oblivious. “I thought, what if I need something in the middle of the night? I can’t get out of bed on my own. Arin being with me is a smart idea. Plus, he doesn‘t snore like you.” His attention was diverted by the sizzle of the butter Arin was melting in a pan. “What are you making, Arin?”

“Nothing fancy. Just scrambled eggs. Very plain, for you. They’re better with cheese, but you can’t have cheese.” Arin became aware that he was babbling a little bit. 

Brian raised an eyebrow and went back to unloading the groceries. “Dan, make sure you rest for a while after you eat. Be careful if you have any dizziness afterward. Dumping syndrome is a real concern.”

“Dumping syndrome?” Arin repeated incredulously, dropping the whisk. “ _Dumping syndrome?_ ”

Dan heaved with silent laughter, his mouth full. 

“It’s a real thing, Arin.” Brian stacked three six-packs of Greek yogurt on top of each other on the middle layer of the fridge. “It’s when food passes too quickly through the stomach to the small bowel, and - ”

“I thought it was a _good_ thing.” Arin snatched up Dan’s prescription pills, pretending to read them again. “Says here that constipation is a possible side effect.”

“There’s nothing like a good talk about my bowels early in the morning,” Dan said cheerfully. “Could you pass me a yogurt, Brian? What flavours did you get?”

“You have three choices,” Brian said dryly. “Plain, plain, or plain. Flavoured just means added sugar.”

“Tough call.” Dan rested an elbow on the table. “I think I’ll go with plain. Are you gonna have something too?”

“I could come over for dinner, but I promised Audrey that I’d take her to the zoo today.”

“Dinner would be fun. Maybe the others could drop by.”

“I’ll ask for you.” Brian stood up and closed the refrigerator. “Where are your pills?”

“Arin has them.” Dan seemed to like the yogurt, plain as it was. Arin was happy to see that he had an appetite. There was a little smear of white on his bottom lip, and Arin watched as he poked his pink tongue out to lick it away. 

“Earth to Arin,” Brian said, and was that a note of warning in his voice? Arin bit the inside of his cheek. “The pills, Arin. Give them to Dan.”

“Oh. Oh, yeah, of course.” Arin fumbled with the little bottles. The antibiotics were huge weird-smelling capsules. He shook one into Dan’s waiting palm and followed it with the plain white chalky painkillers.

“These make my breath smell so weird,” Dan said, popping the antibiotic first. “Brian, are you leaving already?”

“Sorry,” Brian said, looking like he meant it. “I’ll come back around five-thirty, okay? Call me if things change, if you need a nap or anything around the time. We’ll adjust the plan. Arin, can you come outside with me for a second?”

“Sure,” Arin agreed immediately, feeling his stomach sink. “Just let me finish up with these eggs.” After the stove was turned off, he slid half of them onto a single slice of plain toast for Dan and left the rest in the pan for himself. “I’ll be right back, Dan.”

Dan nodded, his mouth full of yogurt again. “This looks good,” he said of the plate in front of him. “Thanks, Arin.”

“They’re not my famous scrambled eggs, but they’re alright. ” 

Brian bent to give Dan a quick and careful embrace and said his goodbyes. Arin was glad to see Dan looking excited at the thought of all his friends over for dinner. Arin picked up Brian’s reusable bags, slipped on his sneakers, and followed the man out the front doors.

Brian waited until they had both walked some distance away from the house. “You have anything you want to tell me?” he asked, casual.

Arin kicked a loose pebble into the grass. “Not really.”

“Arin.”

“Brian,” Arin retorted, trying to sound playful. The look on Brian’s face stopped him. “Okay, sorry. What do you want me to say?”

“I know it’s none of my business what you guys do,” Brian began. “And normally I wouldn’t say anything. You know that as well as I do.”

Arin waited, knowing what was coming. 

Brian let the silence linger for a few beats before continuing. “I just want you to heavily consider a few things before you…make any decisions.”

“I’m listening,” Arin said, fixing his gaze on the mountains on the horizon.

Brian sighed. “Dan’s your best friend, Arin. He’s also my best friend. I see and hear a lot of things from you both that lead me to think that things might be a little different between you and him.”

Arin didn’t try to deny it. “Has he said anything to you?”

“No,” Brian said. “I’m not sure he’s ever really seen the way you look at him and what it means. Ever since he got hurt, you've been anything but subtle, but you know Dan - he can't take a hint if it danced naked in front of him.”

Arin picked at a button on his shirt restlessly. “You might be reading too much into things.”

“Maybe,” Brian sighed again. “I just want you to remember that he’s extremely vulnerable right now. He’s handling things well - I respect the shit out of him for holding himself together like he has - but whether he knows it or not, he’s vulnerable, and that prescription the doctor gave him is really intense. Judgment-cloudingly intense, if you catch my meaning.”

Arin bristled. “Fuck, Brian, do you really think I would ever - ”

“I don’t.” Brian looked at him openly. “But some things have to be said.”

Arin supposed that was true. But something else had to be said, too. “I’m not a fucking asshole, Brian.”

“I know you aren’t. And I know you‘d never intentionally hurt a friend. If I had any doubts about that…” Brian left the sentence unfinished, the threat dangling in the air.

“Then you know you have nothing to worry about,” Arin said firmly.

“Maybe I just needed to hear it from you.” 

“Now you have,” Arin said. “Anything else?”

Brian suddenly hugged him hard. “Take care of him,” he said. “He loves you, and he needs you.”

“I love him, too.” 

Brian nodded. His tone changed. “You have the stuff I wrote on how to change and clean his wound?”

“Yes,” Arin said, but that didn’t seem good enough for Brian, who put on his professor’s voice and proceeded to give step-by-step instructions as well as a list of things to look out for. Arin listened closely and promised to call right away if he had any questions. 

“Good,” said Brian. “I’m always just a phone call away.”

“Have fun at the zoo,” Arin said. “Say hi to Audrey for me, give her a big kiss.” He missed Brian’s happy little family. Audrey was going to end up being even smarter than Brian, he had no doubt.

“She misses you guys,” Brian said. “Once Dan’s better, I’ll have to bring her over for a visit.”

“Drive safe,” Arin said, as Brian got into his car. The older man gave him a smile and honked briefly as he pulled away.

 _Once Dan’s better._ Arin hoped it would be soon, that the time would fly by and Dan could return to his sunny, happy self. Arin remembered the days before they had all flown to Jersey. He remembered Dan’s faded leather jacket and his knobbly knees showing through the rips in his jeans, the way he hugged himself and shrieked as they played through horror games, the way he fell all over Arin as he laughed. Dan trying to prank him as Arin wore the VR headset, his muffled giggles giving him away. Now he felt the familiar tug at his heart, the same one he felt when he thought about Suzy. 

_I’m not sure he realizes the way you look at him._

Brian was smart and observant - almost eerily so. Arin hadn’t realized that his hidden feelings weren’t so hidden after all. He wondered if Suzy knew. Suzy and Brian shared the often-annoying habit of being right all the time. If she did, she would support him - she had little regard for the idea of monogamy as a hard-and-fast rule of all relationships. 

And she’d know as well as he did that it was futile to ever think Dan could reciprocate, anyway.

It was a stupid thing to dwell on. It didn’t matter right now. Dan needed his friendship, and he needed his attention, and Arin fully intended on giving him both to the best of his ability. 

Arin firmly pushed his feelings down as far as he could, as he had been doing for years, and walked back up the steps to Dan’s front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has been so kind with their feedback, and I appreciate all of you! <3 Thank you!


	7. vii.

“It feels good to get out of the house for a bit,” Barry confessed to him as they walked slowly down the quiet sidewalk that looped around a small urban park. “This is only the second time I’ve been outside all week. The last time was for dinner at your place.” 

The day was unusually chilly, but Dan was bundled up in several layers and the sunlight still felt good on his skin. They’d already been walking for some time, making small talk, dancing around the real problems that Barry had wanted to talk privately about. Dan stayed quiet for a while, thinking back to what Brian had said days before. _We all need a break…_ “You haven’t been leaving the house much?”

Barry held his arms tightly to his sides, hands tucked up in his sleeves. He was trying to match Dan’s slow pace, but Dan thought he looked like he wanted to bolt and run. Through it all, he did manage a brief smile. “I feel stupid, complaining to you,” he said. “I don’t want to - to trivialize what you’ve been going through or anything. I know that whatever I say is probably gonna sound ridiculous when you‘ve been through hell and back.”

“It’s not a contest. You’re allowed to have feelings.”

“Feelings are valid,” Barry agreed, “but so is perspective.”

“Perspective?” Dan looked at him. “Well, what if I said something like, ‘I can’t complain about being shot, since there are other people in the hospital fighting leukemia or dying of a heart attack’? Arguing over who has it worst is stupid, and blaming yourself for having emotions and suffering like a normal person is just ridiculous.”

“I guess you’re right,” Barry said after some consideration.

“What else is new?” Dan asked lightly, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Arin’s sass is rubbing off on you,” Barry observed. His body language had loosened up slightly. 

“Arin’s ass is what?”

Barry laughed, a real laugh this time, even though it was a lame joke. “I’ve fucking missed you, dude.”

“I’ve missed you too. But I’m not too exciting. You didn’t miss much, I promise. I sit on the couch and watch movies all day. Arin brought a ton from his own collection.”

“I should try and make it over for a movie soon.”

“Next up is _Bitch Slap_. Arin says it’ll make me laugh my ass off and give me a raging boner at the same time.”

“Sounds like a good time. Can you even, you know - ” Barry’s eyebrow raised the tiniest bit.

Dan’s brain was sludgy and it took him a second. Then he laughed, too. “Jesus, Barry. Uh, I probably could. Gently, though.” The merriment faded when a car’s horn blared, making them both look up hastily. Dan noticed the way Barry cringed, his smile gone. 

“You okay, dude?”

“Yeah. I’m good. Just - jumpy, I guess.” 

Dan gave him some time. They walked on in silence. Barry flipped up his hood and tugged the drawstring to pull it around his face, a gesture not lost on Dan.

“I’m seeing someone,” Barry said finally. “To talk about what happened.”

“A professional someone?” Dan asked carefully.

“Yeah. I found this place in San Fernando. Well - actually - Ross found the place, and recommended this doctor to me. Her name is Dr. Blake.” 

Dan hadn’t known Ross had already been talking with a therapist. He had only spoken to Ross once in person, when everyone came over a couple days ago. He had seemed fine then, if a little quiet. _But he disappeared with Arin after we all ate. They talked on the front porch for a good twenty minutes._ All he said was, “Yeah? Is she nice?”

“She’s great,” Barry said with honesty. “She suggested going for this walk. Facing your fears and all that. Not that I don’t want to see you,” he added quickly. “I’m having a good time. It’s just that - like I said, I’ve been afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Dr. Blake says agoraphobia is pretty common in people who have PTSD,” Barry said wryly, his mouth twisting.

Dan felt a sinking feeling in his gut. “Oh, fuck, Barry.”

“It’s not full-blown. Not yet. You have to have symptoms for a month before it can be classified as true PTSD.”

Dan waited for Barry to elaborate. He could downplay it as much as he wanted, but Dan knew it wasn’t a trivial thing.

“I keep having flashbacks. Something always sets it off - raised voices are the worst, but any loud, sharp noises will do it. I heard my neighbour’s car engine backfire the other day and almost stopped breathing. I had to put my head between my knees so I wouldn’t pass out. My body just shuts down. And I remember - ” He cut himself off and shook his head wordlessly, looking like he was struggling to be able to finish.

“Remember what?” Dan prompted, gently.

“You,” Barry said, glancing over at him. “You, lying there with my jacket on you, bleeding. The sound of you screaming.”

“I screamed?” Dan didn’t remember. He wasn’t sure how that made him feel. He did remember struggling with the concept of death, the panic of the unknown. And he remembered Arin crying for him, which hurt worse to recall. 

“Brian was trying to slow the bleeding. When he put pressure on you - ” A greenish tinge passed over Barry’s face. “It hurt you. Badly. Brian felt terrible.”

“Everyone else said Brian was a hero,” Dan pointed out.

“I told him so, too. He knows, on some level. Either way…it was awful to hear.”

Dan wanted to put an arm around Barry’s shoulders. “What other symptoms are there, besides the flashbacks?”

“I’m having a hard time sleeping. Lots of nightmares. Apparently I thrash around and freak out before I manage to wake myself up. I don’t always remember them, but when I do, it’s - it’s pretty fucking bad. And then I huddle in bed all day, feeling like shit, and I try to remind myself that I’m not hurt, that you’re getting better, that I’ll get better - and it never works. I’m almost afraid to go to sleep.”

“That sounds awful,” Dan said gently, and meant it. “I really hope that this doctor can help you out. It’s great to have an outside perspective sometimes, from somebody who literally spends their whole life dealing with people’s problems.”

“She’s optimistic, way more so than I am. I just keep thinking - what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not like I have a shortage of people to talk to, you know? I have family. Good friends. You’d think if talking could cure everything, I’d be fine and dandy by now. I ranted a little to Dr. Blake, and she was just real calm. She said that if the therapy sessions don’t work, there are options.”

“Medicinal options?”

Barry weighed the look on Dan’s face as if searching for judgment there. “Yeah. It sort of feels like giving up, though. I think I’d feel embarrassed if I had to…I don’t know. I shouldn’t be this helpless. I read a ton of stuff online about how the more serious cases are usually seen in people that don‘t have any support or access to mental health care. I have all the support I need, and enough money to afford a doctor. It feels like I shouldn‘t have to resort to medicating myself, like I’m not one of the people that actually needs it but I’m too lazy to try picking myself up on my own. And at the same time I’m scared not to try it in case it gets worse.”

“Medicine is there for a good reason,” Dan told him, thinking about what Arin had said to him days before. He understood all too well the fear of giving up, the fear of not being strong enough. “You don’t have to feel bad for needing some. I can’t even get through the day without popping a serious heavy-duty painkiller.”

“That’s different,” Barry said, but not with confidence. 

“It’s not.” Dan was firm. “It’s a bullshit stigma. How does it make sense to take a pill to heal your body and then feel bad to take a pill to cure your mind? Your brain is way more important. Prescriptions for anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety, they save lives.”

Barry looked at his shoes, but Dan could tell he was listening.

“I’ve been to therapy. And yeah, I’ve been shit on for it. I know how it feels. But it helped, Barry, and it helped a lot of my friends. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I just want you to get better, man. I’m gonna be there for you no matter what, okay?”

Barry pressed the sleeve of his shirt against his face for some time, but when he dropped his arm, his eyes were dry. “Okay.”

“And promise me not to call talking about your well-being as _complaining_ ever again.”

“I promise,” Barry said. He had to clear his throat a few times to get the words out. “Dan, I love you.”

“I love you too, Barry.” Dan was getting a little choked up too.

“I never got that hug you promised me.”

“Gonna half to be a half-assed hug. A side hug.”

“I’m down with that.” Barry stepped in close to Dan’s left side, and hugged him by putting an arm around his waist and pushing his head briefly against Dan’s shoulder. The wind blew Dan’s hair into Barry’s eyes but he didn’t seem to mind. Barry was as warm against him as the sun was on his face. When they broke apart, they walked in companionable silence.

Barry didn’t speak again until they had reached the far end of the park and began to circle back. “How are things with Arin?”

“Good,” Dan responded easily. “He’s back home with Suzy for a bit right now, until I get back.”

“It helps, having him around all the time? Even now that you’re getting better?”

“He still does everything,” Dan said. “He cooks every day and cleans up after. He changes my bandages. Yesterday he drove me to my appointment with Dr. Osgoode - that’s my new physical therapist.”

“He cooks what? Toast and scrambled eggs?”

Dan laughed. “Half the time, yeah. He’s learning, though. He made chicken and mashed potatoes last night. My stomach is healing pretty well and I can eat some things I couldn’t before.”

“I’m glad he’s okay. I was worried about him for a while.”

“So was my mom. She was so happy when I told her Arin would be staying with me. She thought it’d be good for both of us. And she was right.”

“Moms usually are.”

“I know there are still things he struggles with,” Dan added. “Don’t think it’s just you having nightmares and stuff. It’s everyone. I probably would too if I didn’t go to bed all drugged up.”

“Maybe I’ll talk to him soon,” Barry reflected. “I could give him Dr. Blake’s number. Like Ross did for me.”

Dan, remembering the talk he had with Arin on the plane, nodded slowly. “I’m sure he’d love to spend some time with you.”

“If you guys aren’t busy, maybe I can come over and watch that movie with you?”

“Sure. You can help Arin finish the pizza that I‘m not allowed to eat. He tried ordering it sneakily after I was asleep, so I wouldn‘t be jealous.” 

Dan had needed Barry’s help getting in his car when they’d left, but this time he managed it himself. Barry’s car smelled like him, like the room in the apartment they’d shared, and the pillow on the couch where they’d both take catnaps throughout the day. The memories were soothing, and he drifted off as Barry drove him home. 

He didn’t realize that he’d fallen asleep until he woke up to see that they were turning onto his own street. _The walk must have tired me out._ There was a faint pulsing ache beginning to spread around the back of his skull. The sunlight he’d been enjoying so much was now far too bright, making Dan close his eyes again. “Can we do a rain check on that movie?” he asked.

Barry glanced over at him with concern. “You alright?”

“Headache,” Dan mumbled. “I’m kinda used to it.”

“I’m free tomorrow afternoon,” Barry suggested gently. “Maybe you should take a nap.”

“Probably will.” He wondered if Arin might want one too, if he was home from Suzy’s yet. _Suzy’s is his home. He’s just visiting you,_ he mentally scolded himself. 

“Thanks for coming out,” Barry said as they pulled into Dan’s driveway. Arin’s car was there already, Dan was glad to notice. “I’m sorry that it gave you a headache.”

“No problem. It’s my meds, not you. I needed some fresh air and exercise.”

“And I really needed someone to talk to,” Barry said. “Not that my girlfriend isn’t an amazing listener. It’s just - she wasn’t there, you know? And you can’t put some things into words.”

“I know.” Dan managed to lift his arm enough to touch Barry’s hand. “And like I said, I’ll always be there if you need me.”

Barry’s back was a little straighter and his head was held higher as he drove off. Dan was sorry to see him go. Barry had always been a steadfast friend, not easily ruffled, someone who Dan could easily talk to about everything from work to relationships to difficulties in his own life that he didn’t want to reveal to anybody else, not even his family. It made Dan happy to know that Barry could confide in him, too - that Dan could offer help and support and have it make a real difference in his friend’s life.

So many of his friends had expressed their sympathies to him, had offered to help, to listen. They put on solemn faces and dropped their voices and treated him like he was still in his sickbed. It was nice to be loved, and Dan didn’t want to be ungrateful, but the coddling was getting to be a little overbearing. It seemed all he did was talk about himself - how he was feeling, how he was handling things, how his body was healing and what kind of surgeries the doctors had to perform - and the story was getting old.

It was nice to be on the other end for once. To be the one listening, to be treated like his mind wasn’t soft from drugs and trauma. It made him feel like less of a burden. _Everyone needs to feel useful,_ he reflected, hobbling up the stairs.

Arin must have seen them drive up. He was at the front door when Dan shuffled in, ready with Dan’s pills and water. Dan took both gratefully and kicked off his sneakers. Arin had tied them loosely so he could slip them on and off without help.

“How’s Barry doing?” Arin asked, nudging Dan’s shoes to the side and coming close in case Dan needed help with his jacket. “You guys had fun?”

“Yeah, it was fun. I missed him." Dan felt his head throb again and squinted his eyes.

“You look tired,” Arin observed.

“It was a lot of exercise for me.”

“You should sit down, eat something, wait for those pills to kick in. We’ll get your bandages changed. Then maybe take a nap to feel refreshed.”

Dan offered a sleepy smile. “Maybe then I’ll last for a whole movie for once.”

“Doesn’t matter either way. You sleep when you need to. Sit,” Arin pointed at the couch, when Dan tried to follow him into the kitchen. “You need your rest. I’ll bring you a yogurt, or some leftover potatoes…”

“Do we still have applesauce?”

“I’ll check.” 

Dan heard his heavy footsteps all the way into the kitchen. Moments later, he reappeared with a bowl and spoon for Dan, and went back into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. _He’s so fucking good to me,_ Dan thought as he ate the mildly sweet applesauce, feeling like the world’s biggest toddler. _He never complains._

His scalp itched, and for once it wasn’t his healing scar that caused it. Thankfully, he was feeling more mobile as of late. Holding his arms straight out at his sides would probably make him pass out, but he could - gently, and _slowly_ \- bend his head, lift one arm, and scratch at the crown of his head until the itch had gone.

“I think you have fleas,” Arin said, and when Dan lifted his head he could peer through his tousled curls to see Arin looking over at him in amusement. 

Dan said, “Lice. Public lice, from you. Maybe crabs.”

“Why, what did you do to me in my sleep?” Arin sat next to him on the couch and offered him a small bite of his sandwich. “And aren’t they the same thing?”

“I don’t think they’re the same thing. They’re two species. And then there’s scabies, too.”

“I thought scabies was just a hick way of saying that your junk was infected.”

“I think they’re mites,” Dan said helpfully. 

“Well,” Arin said through a mouthful of food, “you’re the expert, right?”

“What are you implying?” Dan used an elbow to knock a pillow on the floor, then managed to pick it up with his toes and fling it in Arin’s direction, proud of his accuracy. It grazed the top of Arin’s head and they both laughed.

When they were done, Arin offered him a hand up. “You ready, Dan?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” He followed Arin into the bathroom, where the bag of medical supplies waited on the counter.

He spoke quietly, but in truth, Dan wasn’t all that nervous. The first time Arin had helped him clean and dress his wounds, they’d both been more than a little apprehensive. But was a ritual now, and Dan knew Arin was more gentle than even his favourite nurse back in the hospital in Jersey. In a weird way, Dan liked the intimacy, liked being able to trust somebody so much. He might not look _forward_ to doing this, but he didn’t hate it either. Arin wore latex gloves but his touch never felt cold and clinical. 

“You need help with your shirt?” Arin asked him. He knew the answer was yes, and he always asked anyway. Dan loved him for it.

“Please,” he answered, and Arin bent to start working on the tiny buttons with his thick, capable fingers. Dan had progressed from wandering around in a bathrobe, or shirtless with pyjama pants, to wearing actual jeans and button-up shirts. If Arin helped hold him steady, he could even get the jeans on by himself. It wasn’t like he was really going anywhere fancy, but getting dressed in real clothing made Dan feel a lot more like himself. It worked wonders for his mood.

Arin was wearing his favourite grey harem pants and a Sonic shirt. His feet were bare, as usual, and they made funny squelching noises when he dragged his feet along the tiled floor. He folded back the two sides of the shirt to expose Dan’s bare chest and then went to wash his hands. Dan leaned back against the toilet tank and waited. He had taken his meds half an hour ago and he still wasn’t nauseous, which was a good sign. 

“How are you feeling?” Arin asked as if Dan had voiced his thoughts out loud. 

“I feel pretty good,” Dan said, watching Arin’s hands at work as they unwrapped his chest bandages. “I think my body is getting used to the meds.”

“Oh?” Arin sounded wary. “And in between, are you - ”

“Getting withdrawal symptoms?” Dan remembered the horrible stomach-twisting nausea he’d experienced at LAX, worse than the mild queasiness the pills caused him. He had - probably correctly, Arin agreed - attributed it to the hospital knocking him off the steady IV drip of Dilaudid. “Sometimes if I’m tired, or just before my last dose of the evening, I start getting headachy, but it’s not so bad.”

“What about…” Arin’s eyes drifted to the place where the bullet had entered his chest. Dan made himself look at it too.

The hole itself was closing neatly, and occasionally drained a thin clear fluid that his doctor said was normal. The bruising was receding slightly, but it still looked awful. The skin was so tender to the touch that poking it lightly would have made him scream. But it _was_ better, he had to admit. Where before, his whole torso had been a mass of blazing pain, Dan now felt three distinct smaller areas where the hurt was focused. His sternum was one, the bullet hole another. The third was a strange pulsing pain in his core, almost closer to his back. He thought about what they’d told him of the bullet’s path. It had bounced around inside of him, tearing apart everything in its way.

“It’s a little better every day,” Dan said truthfully, “but it still sucks.”

“Progress is good,” Arin told him. He glanced at the used bandages. “No signs of infection, either.”

“Good. I’ve had enough of those giant sewage pills.” Dan hated the antibiotics. The acid reflux the pain killers caused always made the back of his throat taste like a dumpster.

“They should have given you that banana penicillin. The stuff they give to kids.”

“That shit’s vile,” Dan couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of him swallowing those little capfuls of sweet yellow goo, as Arin hovered over him like a fussy mom.

“Better than the cherry flavour.” Arin soaked a piece of gauze in saline solution and checked out his reflection in the bathroom mirror. 

“You look good, big cat,” Dan said. “Your hair is getting super long again.”

Arin tipped him a wink as he swept his long hair behind his shoulders. “Suzy likes it.”

“You look like a knight,” Dan offered. His own hair grew in all directions. He didn’t understand how Arin’s was so perfectly shaped, waving softly back from his face and flipping out at the ends. “Or maybe a princess.” 

That made Arin grin for real. Dan had long ago noticed how tickled Arin was by pet names like _baby girl_ and how he liked being called _pretty_ just as much as _handsome._ When he daubed the wet gauze over Dan’s wound, he was so gentle that Dan didn’t feel more than a flicker of pain. The hole itself was healing nicely, but that entire side of Dan’s chest still felt like a giant fresh bruise. “The princess is always the one with the healing magic,” Arin mused. “Guess that’s a good thing for you.”

“Who says you get to be a _magic_ princess?” The saline was cold on his bare skin. “Maybe you’re the kind that I’ll marry off to strengthen our alliance with Australia.”

“Are you offering me to Ross?” Arin grinned. “I would end up murdering him. I’ll take Jason Momoa, though. Fuck, he is handsome. Wait, is he American?”

“He’s definitely American. Hawaiian, actually.”

“Well, fuck.” Arin took a new piece of gauze and gently soaked up the excess moisture. “I think I got confused, ‘cause I saw him do that - that New Zealand native thing, for his Game of Thrones audition - that war dance.”

“A haka,” Dan remembered. “I saw that, too. So fuckin’ cool.”

“Yeah, that’s the one! I thought maybe he was Maori. I’m a dummy, Daniel.”

It pleased Dan to hear Arin call him _Daniel._ “Good thing you don’t need brains for a royal marriage. You just need to produce an heir to seal the alliance.”

“He named his son Nakoa-Wolf,” Arin said. “I hope our child gets a name just as badass.” The soiled gauze was disposed of, and Arin began to prepare the new dressing. “His eyebrow scar always reminds me of you.”

“His is more badass. He got hit in the face with a bottle.”

“Mmm. Well, yours is just as cool.”

 _I’m not as handsome as he is,_ Dan wanted to say, but he knew that it’d be fishing, which was silly. Was that jealousy he felt? _You’re relying too much on Arin, getting too used to being his center of attention._ He flinched a little bit when the first bandage was laid over his wound. Arin slid a hand around Dan’s waist to steady them both. It was such an easy and natural gesture. This time, the chill that went through him felt pleasant. Dan shivered, his lips parting. 

Arin froze. “Does it hurt?” he asked.

Dan reddened. “No,” he said. “Well - yeah, a little bit, but not any more than it usually does.”

“I’ll be gentle,” Arin said, and he was, as always. 

Dan watched him work. “Have you given any thought to what we talked about on the plane?”

“A little bit. I haven’t really had too much time for that.”

“You should make time for your own mental health.”

“Does it matter?” Arin said, and when Dan fixed him with a look, he added, “Okay, it matters. But right now it’s not as important as you.”

Dan shifted restlessly and the toilet lid squeaked under his butt. “You matter to me, Arin.”

“I know, Dan. We’ll talk about it some other time, alright? I can’t do it twice in one day.”

Dan was slow to catch his meaning. “Oh,” he said finally. “You and Suzy…”

“We talked for a long time,” Arin said simply. “She’s good at helping me organize my thoughts, getting me to figure shit out for myself. I got a lot off my chest.”

It was a good reason, but Dan thought there was something Arin wasn’t telling him. _Can you blame him?_ a little voice asked.

Arin was the most selfless of them, the most hardworking. Arin cooked for him and cleaned for him and took care of his wounds and didn’t complain that Dan slept through half the movies he wanted to see. Arin scratched Dan’s back when it itched and tied his hair back for him when asked. He was giving up everything for Dan and acted like it was something _anybody_ would do, when it wasn’t. And yet Dan hadn’t bothered speaking to Arin about how _he_ was holding up since their brief conversation, some thirty-thousand feet above the world, when Arin had confessed his need for a therapist.

It occurred to Dan that he was doing a lousy job in reciprocating the same level of care and friendship that Arin gave to him. _He’d rather talk to Suzy, since you’ve never invited him to talk to you._

God, it was petty to be jealous of a married couple, especially when they were both his friends.

Dan’s face burned with shame and he held his tongue as Arin finished working on him. When the new bandages were on, he got Dan back into his shirt and pulled him to his feet. “You look like you’re still tired,” he said.

“I _am_ still tired.”

“Wanna take a nap?”

“With you?” Dan was hopeful. 

“Sure,” Arin said easily. Judging by the bags beneath his eyes, a little extra sleep would be good for him, too. “It’s been a long day.”

 _Let me help_ , Dan thought wistfully, but he didn’t know where to start. He swayed on his feet, more tired than he’d thought, and Arin was there to catch him.

 _More a knight than a princess after all,_ he wanted to say, but then the bed was there and Arin was helping him lay down, and everything was warm and good and soothing. The world went dark, and Dan’s hand groped blindly at his side until Arin took it in his own and held him, grounded him, and they slept.

**

Dan wasn’t sure what woke him at first. 

Arin’s alarm hadn’t gone off, he was sure of that. The room was silent. A wave of confusion blurred his mind. How long had they slept? The sun had gone down, but the light outside in the stairwell was enough to see by. It felt like midnight but Dan suspected it was closer to eight or nine in the evening. He couldn’t reach his phone to see. _If I’m right, we slept for four hours. We missed dinner. I need my pills, my antibiotics…_

A groan broke the silence in the room, and Dan turned to the man who shared the bed with him.

Arin was still asleep, though his head was turning from side to side restlessly. His lips were parted, pale and pink in the dim light. His white shirt had ridden up his belly and his legs were kicking weakly. Another deep moan came from his throat, quiet, but full of what Dan took to be fear.

 _Nightmare,_ Dan thought. _He’s having a nightmare._

Dan took action. He was going to be there for Arin, he was going to be useful for once, and be the sort of friend that Arin was to him. He would wake Arin up, and they would talk about the nightmares, and maybe go over the list of concerns for people who were recovering from shock and trauma. 

“Arin,” Dan whispered, turning onto his good side with great care. “Hey, hey, wake up.” He brought a leg up to nudge at Arin’s soft thigh. 

Arin’s eyes shot open, dark and shining. Dan heard him swallow. “Danny,” he moaned roughly, straining to focus. “I - you - ”

“I’m fine,” Dan told him softly. Arin had once told him that his nightmares were of being alone and scared, not knowing where Dan was. “I’m here.” He put his hand on Arin’s stomach. His bare skin was hot. Without meaning to, he stroked Arin’s skin gently, feeling the very faint trail of hair at his navel. Something was unfurling rapidly inside him. 

Arin put his hand over Dan’s. They laced their fingers together, and Arin rolled onto his side to be closer. Their noses were an inch apart, and Dan moved forward as best as he could to let them brush against each other. 

Arin’s eyes were a little cloudy, like he was still half-asleep, and there was an expression there that Dan didn’t recognize. He looked at Dan almost reverently, his eyes drinking in the details of his face, lingering at his mouth. Dan forgot everything, forgot the pain in his chest and the fact that he’d already convinced himself that this was a bad idea. Other long-forgotten things were rising within him, from years past, thoughts and urges and feelings that he didn’t understand, things that frightened him.

“Arin,” he breathed, and moved forward blindly. His lips brushed Arin’s chin. He felt the scrape of Arin’s beard, and lifted his head to feel Arin’s breath mingle with his own. Every nerve in his body was on fire. Time stood still. Dan held the moment by its stem, reeling from the intensity. 

Then they looked into each other’s eyes again, and everything changed.

Arin seemed to come back to himself all at once. His eyes cleared, his body stiffened and he made a short noise of surprise. “I’m awake,” he said, his voice thick with confusion. “I’m…oh fuck, what…”

Dan smiled at him, amused. “’Course you’re awake. You were having a nightmare.”

Arin’s brow furrowed and he blinked rapidly. “What are we…what am I…” He pulled his body away from Dan to lay on his back again and passed a hand over his face roughly. “What the fuck am I doing?”

Dan had experienced lingering nightmares before, the confusion of not knowing which threats were real in those awful few minutes of wakefulness. He put his hand on Arin’s stomach once again. “It’s okay,” he repeated softly. “Wanna talk about it?”

Arin recoiled from the touch. “Dan…”

“S’okay, big cat, I got you.” Dan helped pull Arin’s shirt back into place. It was damp. Arin had been sweating. “I’m right here, Arin.” His knuckles accidentally brushed the waistband of Arin’s boxers.

“Don’t,” Arin groaned, grabbing Dan’s wrist and pulling it away from him like it was burning him. “Dan, stop it. Fuck.”

Dan was startled by Arin’s ferocity. His instinct was to jerk his arm away, but the shock of pain reminded him why it wasn’t a good idea to move too quickly. He swallowed his cry but let out a whimper.

Arin’s eyes widened. He sat up quickly, curling in on himself, and looked at Dan with horror. “I didn’t mean to - ”

“I know you didn’t,” Dan cut in, feeling hot and shaky all over. He needed his pills. He needed - fuck, he didn’t know what he needed. Something was desperately wrong and he didn’t know what he did. He struggled to breathe through it. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes - no - listen, Dan, I can’t - ” Arin swallowed again. “I didn’t know what I was doing...”

Dan felt helpless. “I know. I didn’t mean to scare you. I…I know what nightmares are like. I shouldn’t have…”

Arin turned away from him. Dan was left staring at the back of his sleek head. “We missed dinner,” he said shortly. “I’ll get up, and make something to eat, and you can take your pills.”

“I’ll come - I can help - ”

“You need sleep,” Arin interrupted. He sounded furious. Dan was rocked by a wave of self-loathing. “We napped so long…you obviously need…Just - go back to sleep, I’ll wake you up when the food’s done.”

“Arin…” he started, and did not know how to continue. His palm was tingling where it had touched Arin’s skin. Dan felt his face twisting, felt a sob rising in his throat. 

“It’s fine. It’s fine, Dan.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan’s voice cracked and his eyes burned with tears. 

“I’m sorry too, okay?” With his back still facing Dan, Arin began to dress, pulling his sweats back over his boxers and slipping into a hoodie.

“You didn’t do anything.” Dan’s voice was small. _Come back to bed, hold me again, I want you so bad._ “Please, Arin.” 

Arin was silent for a long time. Dan could feel the seconds ticking by, each one a slap in the face. 

Finally, Arin spoke, and his voice was gruff in a way Dan had never heard it before. “Just go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Dan whispered back, defeated.

The bullet’s path had left a trail of blazing pain in its wake, but the agony that swallowed him now was worse than any of it. 

Alone, in the dark, he suffered.


	8. viii.

Arin felt like death warmed over when he woke from a light and restless slumber.

The couch was comfortable enough, but Arin had been tossing and turning all night and now had a crick in his back that made him walk like some shuffling old man, and his neck felt stiff and swollen. He hobbled into the kitchen and guzzled half of a fresh bottle of water to soothe his parched throat. 

Usually, he slept in much later than this. He would wake before the alarm set on his phone and lay on his back, half-dozing, listening to Dan’s snuffling sleep noises and watching the sunlight creep in through the gaps in the curtains. This morning, he woke abruptly and unpleasantly. His feet were freezing and his awkwardly bent neck was killing him. For one beautiful moment he could not remember why he was down here on the couch, alone. Then it hit him like a brick to the stomach.

He’d nearly kissed Dan, not two days after swearing to Brian that he wouldn’t let his stupid feelings take control of him. 

Arin wondered if Dan would tell Brian about what happened. He winced at the thought. Brian wouldn’t actually hurt anybody, but Arin had seen him become angry in defence of his loved ones before, and it was not a pretty sight. 

_It wasn’t my fault,_ he wanted to say. _I thought I was asleep. I thought…_

Lame excuses. Arin wasn’t even sure what he’d thought. Dan had been touching him, he knew that, but they’d grown used to snuggling in bed. Dan needed comfort, after all. But he had taken it too far. What had Arin said, or done, before he’d woken up? How far had he gone, and at what point did Dan wake up? His dream had blended so smoothly into reality. 

Dan’s warmth, his near-nakedness, his easy soft smile. His hair tousled and hanging in his face, begging to be grabbed and stroked and pulled. In his dream, they were in Arin’s bed. In his dream, there was no scar on Dan’s chest, and no drugged glaze to his eyes. The trip to Jersey had never happened. Dan had shuddered, not in pain but in pleasure, when Arin’s hands explored his bare chest and stomach. And Arin _wanted_ , wanted him more than anything else, wanted to kiss him from neck to navel, to mouth at the front of his tight boxers teasingly until Dan was begging for more. 

Then Dan was touching his thigh, so close to Arin’s hardness. Touching his stomach, leaning in to kiss him…

…and the room was dark, and it was Dan’s room, and Dan’s chest was bound in the bandages Arin himself had so carefully wrapped. He was _awake_ , it was real, and Arin was almost mouth-to-mouth with Dan - who wasn’t backing away. The confusion of being jolted out of a dream mingled with a sharp burst of hope, but then Dan smothered it almost instantly.

 _You were having a nightmare,_ he’d said. 

Dan wasn’t responding to his advances. Dan was _straight_ , for one. Dan was badly injured, his brain muddied by drugs and pain. Dan didn’t want him, would never want him, and he wasn’t touching him, he was just trying to fix Arin’s rumpled clothing, and comfort him after what he’d taken for a nightmare. Which was, of course, the obvious conclusion. Arin _had_ been suffering from nightmares. He’d told Dan as much. Nothing about the dream had been real, except for the familiar heavy, throbbing sensation in his groin and the wetness on his boxers. Arin was rock-hard and Dan’s leg was right there, almost touching it. He was holding Dan’s hand loosely. 

He could have kept his cool, made a joke, confessed to having a certain kind of dream with a wink and a laugh until Dan played along and laughed too, awkward but amused. He could have done anything besides literally shove Dan away, as if it were Dan’s fault that their bodies were pressed together, and not his own. The smile on Dan’s lips had died, and his face had screwed up in pain, and Arin had taken the coward’s way out by fleeing the scene with no explanation. 

It wasn’t even six o’clock when Arin finished his shower. As he padded down to the main level, the floor cold on his bare feet, he suddenly felt like an intruder in this house. It was practically his second home, but being here felt wrong. Apprehension bloomed in his belly. Arin could blame it on the eerie atmosphere of the pre-dawn hour - early mornings always made him feel a little off - but he knew there was more to it than that. The house was silent and the sky was still black, without even a hint of the first greys of sunrise. He turned on a lamp in the living room so he wouldn’t trip and break his neck.

He dreaded what Dan might say, now that he had a full night’s sleep and time to reflect on how Arin had treated him. 

_At least I have time to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do._ It would be hours before Dan woke up. He’d checked in on him after his shower. In sleep, Dan looked at peace. Arin looked at his face - his thickening beard, broad nose, the kissable cleft in his chin - and had to force himself to leave before his traitorous mind could tempt him to crawl in bed beside him again. He knew better now.

_I can’t be trusted._

The night before, he had shamefully climbed back upstairs to help Dan down for a warmed-up plate of leftovers and a glass of the iced chamomile tea with honey that Suzy had brewed. Dan sat at the dining table, but Arin didn’t take the seat across from him as usual. He ate his meagre meal at the counter, so he could keep his face turned away. Try as he might, he couldn’t bring himself to meet Dan’s eyes. 

They ate in silence. Dan finished half of the food, took his pills, and mumbled something about being tired. Arin cleaned up mechanically and wondered if Dan had been reflecting on the way Arin had touched him, the realization slow to come in his vulnerable state. 

When Arin helped him lay down in the rumpled bed, with one hand on Dan’s back and the other cupping his neck, he could feel the skinny body trembling like a live wire. Arin hesitated to get his pants off, knowing that Dan’s helplessness was like salt in his wounds. He’d opened his mouth to ask, but Dan beat him to it.

“Leave them,” Dan muttered, and that was all he bothered to say. Arin turned to go, half-hoping Dan would change his mind and ask him to stay, but he got nothing but chilly silence. 

_He knows, or he suspects something…he doesn’t want me to touch him any more than I have to._

Suddenly, Arin was tired of wallowing in his own self-pity. He wiped his face harshly with his sleeve. He would do everything he could to make up for the fact that he was a sleazy asshole, and if Dan didn’t kick him out, he would continue to try and help his friend as much as he could. He would confess what he did to Suzy, and to Brian, since they deserved to know, and if they asked him to stop spending all his time with Dan, he would respect their wishes. There really wasn’t anything else to it. 

Arin looked in the fridge but realized that his stomach felt too tight to eat anything. Resigned, he wandered back to the couch and wedged himself into a half-sitting, half-lying down position that didn’t hurt his back too much. Dan had a few paperback novels on the coffee table, with bookmarks neatly tucked into each about halfway through. Arin grabbed the one on top and opened it at random.

He didn’t think he’d dozed off, but when a noise from upstairs made him sit up suddenly, the sky outside was suddenly blazingly bright, and Arin’s stomach was growling with hunger. He sat up and winced as his back screamed in protest.

“Arin? Arin, where are you?” 

Dan was calling for him. That was what had woken him up. Arin froze like a statue, his brain whirring madly. _He needs me,_ he thought hopefully, and then, _No, he wants to ask you why the fuck you’re still here._

A long silence, and then - “Arin!” There was no mistaking the panic in Dan’s voice this time. 

Arin shot up from his seat like a rocket and banged his leg off the table. Cursing, hobbling, he made his way up the stairs, tripping over one of them, suddenly furious with himself for leaving Dan alone. Of-fucking-course something would go wrong, the one time he wasn’t there to help. 

“Dan!” Arin missed the doorknob in his haste, but the door had been left open, so he half-fell into the room with another bang, panting and sweating. He landed on all fours. “What’s wrong? What hurts? What can I do?”

Dan took one startled look at him and began to laugh. 

The sound was so pure and sweet, like tinkling bells, and despite everything that had happened and his internal anguish, Arin began to smile, too. He climbed to his feet awkwardly, rubbing his sore leg.

“Are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you,” Dan said, abashed, when the giggles subsided. “I got scared that you left. I didn’t hear you. You don’t ever sleep this late…and usually I can hear you walking around downstairs, cooking or whatever…”

“You thought I left?” Arin was flushed. He raked his fingers through his hair.

Dan looked dubious as he studied Arin’s face warily. “Well…” he trailed off. “I, uh. I wouldn’t blame you?”

The words were like a knife twisting in his gut. “You think I’d just abandon you?” Arin asked quietly.

“No? Yes? I mean - no, don’t take it that way. It’s just - I was kind of a dick…”

Arin hesitated, wanting to comfort, but letting Dan have his distance. He sat on the edge of the bed near Dan‘s feet. “You were upset with me.”

Dan shook his head mutely. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “Arin, you were freaked out. You were tossing and turning and moaning in your sleep.” Dan said this with such innocence that Arin was suddenly certain that Dan didn’t fully remember what Arin had done. He’d been half-asleep himself, and obviously confused. That thought was bitter and sweet at the same time. 

_The prescription they gave him…it’s intense. Judgment cloudingly intense, Arin._ Brian’s voice, full of warning, filled his mind. Arin swallowed. 

But maybe, just maybe, Dan was giving him a graceful way out. Arin clung to that thought.

Still, there was a lot to be forgiven. “I hurt you,” Arin murmured. “I left you alone. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t hurt me. I moved too fast. I did it to myself.”

“But - ”

Dan looked exasperated. “Everything hurts. Walking hurts. Bending over hurts. I’m used to it, Arin. I got shot, okay? Sometimes it’s gonna hurt.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Arin tasted blood where he’d bitten down on the inside of his cheek.

“Just trying to give you some perspective.” Dan yawned and blew on a piece of hair that fell across his face. Arin reached out to smooth the unruly curls back, and his fingers couldn’t help but continue the motion and stroke down Dan’s stubbly face. He cursed his lack of self control, but Dan didn’t seem to mind. He squinted his eyes like Mochi did when Arin scratched behind his ears.

“I would never just fucking leave you,” Arin said. “You can’t even get out of bed by yourself. Your pills are all the way in the bathroom. I could never…that you would even think…”

“It’s not like I wouldn’t be able to call someone else…”

“You shouldn’t have to. I promised you that I’d be here for you.” _Just like you promised Brian that you would never take advantage of him,_ an inner voice sneered, but Arin clamped down on that fast. It had been a lapse, nothing more, and it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been so sleepy and confused. “Does this mean you forgive me?”

Dan frowned. “Shouldn’t I be asking that?”

There was no way to resolve this without confessing, so Arin just shook his head. “If neither of us are mad, why don’t we just forget last night entirely?”

“Sounds good to me,” Dan answered quickly, clearly relieved. He smiled at Arin.

Dan’s presence seemed to give him strength. He could do this. He’d come to realize how long he’d been warring with his attraction to Dan, and how even his initial resentment when Dan joined the show hadn’t stemmed from jealousy over Dan being better-looking than him, but a bitterness that Dan could never and would never look at Arin the way so many people looked at him. All Arin had to do was keep his head. It was easy. So easy, he’d been doing it for years.

“Barry might come over later,” Dan said, changing the subject. “Would you, uh, help me get my pants off so I can put on jeans for once?”

Okay, so it might be a little harder than before.

**

Barry did come over, as promised, and he brought Ross and Holly with him. Or, more accurately, Ross and Holly had brought Barry.

“I was having a bit of a rough morning,” Barry admitted to Dan in a low voice that Arin overheard. “Sometimes it’s hard for me to drive if I feel like I’m gonna have an anxiety attack. I could’ve Uber’d it, but Ross wanted to see you too, so…”

“I wanted to come, too!” Holly protested, shouldering her way through to give Dan a kiss on the cheek.

“Ross and Holly wanted to see you,” Barry corrected himself. 

“The more the merrier,” Dan said sincerely. “You guys have been making so much time for me.” The look on his face as his three friends barrelled in with smiles for him made Arin think of him in the hospital, his surprised joy at his endless stream of visitors. Would Dan ever realize how magnetic and amazing he was, how much everybody loved him?

“You’re looking a lot better, Dan,” Ross said. “How do you feel?”

“It gets better every day,” Dan told them. “I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and they’re gonna take X-rays to see how my sternum and ribs are doing. It is tomorrow, right, Arin?”

Arin nodded. “Ten AM,” he said.

“Arin keeps track of these things for me,” Dan explained. “When to take my pills, what I can’t eat, all of it. I don’t know how I’d survive without him.”

“Look,“ Barry grinned. “You made him blush.” 

Arin stumbled over his own feet as he took his turn hugging and greeting his friends. His cheeks did feel hot, though he hoped Barry was exaggerating. 

“I made you tea,” Holly said to Dan, handing the box to Arin to put away. “Suzy told me that you were into that blend she made, so I made a few of my own. They’re all labelled.” 

“They smell good,” Arin said, reading the health benefits that Holly had written in her jaunty, looping script. 

“Do they?“ Dan leaned over and stuck his face into the box. “Oh, they do. Thanks, Hols.”

“I brought snacks,” Barry offered, holding up a bag of junk food. “Dan, we weren’t sure what to get for you, since you can’t eat a bunch of stuff, but there was this giant soft chewy chocolate chip cookie at the bakery…”

Dan took the package handed to him reverently. 

“I’ll put on a pot of tea,” Arin said, playing the host as if this was his house. “I’ll get the bowls for snacks, too. Let me get the movie started first…”

He took his time in the kitchen so Dan could have a moment alone with his friends. When he wandered back into the living room, nobody was paying attention to the movie. Dan and Barry were watching Holly pin a struggling Ross to the floor.

“Whoa,” Arin said mildly. “What did I miss? I knew one of us was going to kill Ross one day, but I didn‘t think it’d be Holly.” 

Dan favoured him with a laugh. He shuffled over and patted the cushion beside him, inviting Arin to sit.

“Holly and I are taking self-defense classes,” Ross said, his voice muffled. Holly helped him flip over. He sat up, seemingly unperturbed, and grabbed a handful of chips from the bag on the table. “My, uh, therapist and I were talking about ways to feel more confident. She said I should be trying to get out of the house more often. We thought doing something athletic would be fun. I liked the idea of martial arts.”

“Having Holly throw you around makes you more confident?” Arin sat beside Dan.

“I was being the bad guy,” Ross looked wounded. 

“I thought it was a great idea. It never hurts to know what to do in the worst-case scenario.” Holly snagged the bag of Sunchips out of Ross’s hands. “Stop hogging the good stuff, Ross.”

“They’re not even your favourite flavour,” Ross protested. 

Arin could see interest kindle in Barry’s eyes. “Huh,” he said, almost to himself. “What’s it like?”

“We just had our first class on Monday,” Holly said. “The instructor is awesome. You should sign up, too.”

“Maybe,” Barry said slowly. “Are there a lot of people in the class?”

“About twenty, I think?” She looked to Ross, who nodded.

Barry looked away. “Yeah, I’ll have to wait until I…”

Ross shuffled closer to Barry to pat him on the knee. “Sure. In the meantime, we can teach you everything we know.”

“I wish I could come.” Dan sounded sad. “I wouldn’t mind taking martial arts again. I don’t wanna hit people, but it’d be good to know what to do if someone attacked me first.”

“You won’t be injured forever,“ Holly pointed out. “Sign up when your doctor lets you. Hey, Arin, maybe you and Suze would wanna join us.”

“You can practice on me when I’m all healed,” Dan told Arin. “I’ll pretend to be the bad guy attacking you. ”

Arin’s brain absolutely did not go to any dirty, sinful places with that scenario. “I - I, uh - yeah, sure.”

He thought he saw Holly’s eyes narrow briefly. Arin squirmed and avoided her gaze. He made a lot of noise by opening up a bag of pretzels until nobody was looking at him anymore, except for Dan. But thankfully, even his attention was diverted by a very raunchy scene in the movie, featuring three hot girls and about twenty buckets of water.

“Whoa,” Dan said, looking fascinated. “That’s…pretty much soft-core porn, dude.”

“I’m into it,” Barry said. “Look at the blonde one. Oh, my God.”

“The redhead is the prettiest,” Holly argued.

“I like brunettes,” Dan found his stuffed dinosaur and turned him around so he was facing away from the screen modestly, making everybody laugh.

“I thought you liked blondes,” Arin blurted.

“Mmm,” Dan said lightly. “Maybe I changed my mind, big cat.” 

Arin sipped his glass of water and tried to pretend as though the bouncing girls on screen were more interesting than the man curled up beside him. When he glanced at his phone to reply to a text from Suzy he saw the time and remembered Dan’s pills. “Shit,” he said out loud. “Dan, you need to eat something so you can take your stuff.”

“I had some Sunchips and a cookie.”

“You’re not supposed to have Sunchips, they’re too salty.” Arin frowned. “Who let you - ”

“I stole some when you weren’t looking,” Dan looked guilty. “Now I’m not hungry.”

“You’re having a banana or something at least.”

“But - ”

“No buts.” Arin strode into the kitchen and returned with a banana and a bottle of water. “Eat.”

“You guys are like an old married couple,” Ross said, raising an eyebrow. 

Dan just laughed again and ate obediently. 

Once he had taken his pills, he grew more quiet. Arin worried, but he knew sometimes that Dan tired easily, especially when there was commotion like this. His posture sagged, and his eyelids grew heavy. Arin tried his best to include him in the conversation, and from time to time he would be rewarded with a smile.

“What do you think, Dan?” Ross asked in regard to a heated discussion about the muddy plot elements of the terrible movie, about forty-five minutes after Dan had first gone quiet. 

“Mm?” Dan looked around confusedly, as if unaware who had been speaking. “What happened?”

“Okay,” Barry laughed. “I think someone needs a nap.”

Dan smiled and sagged a little more, his head falling onto Barry’s shoulder. “M’ not tired.”

“I beg to differ. You’re already drooling on me.”

“Should we go?” Holly asked, looking at Arin hesitantly.

“Nah,” Dan answered. “Stay. Like the comp’ny. S’fun to listen.”

Dan was ridiculously cute when he was tired. Arin said, “Does my sleepy sheepy want a pillow?”

“Got one already,” Dan said. “His name is Barry.”

Holly said, “Awww,” in the voice normally reserved for birds and other cute animals like cows and iguanas. She laid against Ross, but wrinkled her nose. “Mine’s too bony.”

“Ouch, my feelings. I love you too,” Ross ruffled her hair and Holly reared her head up to kiss him.

Dan’s smile widened and he closed his eyes. Barry was looking at the screen, but he reached over and rubbed Dan’s head tenderly.

Arin realized he was staring, and forced himself to look away. Was that jealously he felt, stirring around in his stomach? Arin frowned at himself. Dan had lived with Barry for years. They were close friends. He’d seen them interact physically before. There was nothing to be jealous of, anyway. Dan wasn’t interested in him, and he wasn’t interested in Barry. He was being stupid.

Although, it occurred to him, as the others filled his silence with their chatter, it wouldn’t hurt to maybe ask Barry how he’d feel about staying with Dan for a while, just so Arin could keep his distance and not get too far into his own head. It would give Dan a chance to collect his thoughts about Arin, and voice any concerns to Barry. It would be helpful for Barry to spend time outside the house, too. Maybe he’d ask them how they’d feel about the arrangement. Backup plans were always good to have.

By the time the movie ended, it was dark outside and Dan was snoring faintly. He never snored. Arin figured it had to do with the odd position he’d fallen asleep in. Ross and Holly were helping Arin clean up their empty cups and food garbage while Barry tried to gently wake Dan.

“I’m gonna transfer you to a real pillow, okay?” Arin heard Barry say. He supported Dan’s neck and back and slowly extricated himself from the couch cushions and got a throw pillow into place. “Nice and easy,” he said as he laid Dan back down. Dan’s eyes blinked open and looked up trustingly into Barry’s face before he mumbled something incomprehensible and seemed to fall right back asleep.

“You’re good with him,” Arin said out loud as Barry shrugged his jacket on. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem,” Barry said. “I like to help however I can.”

“Good to know.” Arin hugged him and turned to Ross. “Drive safe, alright?”

“Will do. Let us know about the self-defense classes, okay?”

“I will,” Arin promised.

When they were gone, Arin locked the door and headed back to the couch. Dan stirred when he felt Arin’s weight settle at the other end.

“Sleepy sheepy,” Arin said softly, and Dan smiled without opening his eyes.

“My stomach hurts a little,” Dan mumbled. “Like it’s filled with gravel.”

“You want me to get you up to bed?”

“Too far. Don’t wanna stand up.”

“I’ll carry you.”

“Up the stairs?” Dan smiled again. “You may be jacked, but I don’t think you could do that.”

“I’m jacked?”

“Your fuckin’… big strong arms…” Dan was fading. “Think I don’t notice ‘em?”

Arin swallowed. “You like them?”

“Mmm, yeah.” Dan sighed deeply.

Arin stared at the menu screen of the movie for a very long time and could not find a single response to that without breaking his promise to himself.

**

Suzy heard her phone buzzing furiously from the coffee table.

She put down the sandwich she’d been eating, worried already. She’d been damned jumpy lately, expecting bad news, maybe Dan taking a turn for the worst and developing some sort of infection. Or worse, that it would be the call that she dreamt of, the dreams that made her bolt upright in her bed in terror. That there had been another accident, a car crash or stabbing or another shooting, and it was Arin this time, and he was already gone, and somebody wanted her to come identify the body -

The air grew thin and Suzy gasped for breath, forced herself to count to five slowly. When she opened her eyes again, she looked down to see crescent-shaped imprints of her nails in her palms.

It had been hard, coping on her own. She didn’t resent Arin for his decision to stay with Dan, but that didn’t make it any easier for her.

Her phone buzzed once more, and as she reached for it, it began to ring. She hesitated for a split second, then snatched it up and hit the green Accept button without bothering to read the name displayed.

“Hello?” she asked, a little breathlessly. “Arin?”

“Suze?” The voice sounded confused. “Sorry to disappoint you, but - it’s me. I need to talk to you.”

It wasn’t Arin. It was Dan.

“Dan,” she said aloud, with a cold jolt of fear. Dan might text her often, but a call out of the blue was not commonplace. “Are you okay? Is Arin okay?”

“We’re fine, nothing like that,” Dan hastened to say. “Nothing bad happened. He went out to pick up some food, we were getting low on stuff. He wanted to send Brian, but I said - never mind, that’s not important. I’m rambling, shit, I’m sorry. Uh, are you alone?”

Alarmed but intrigued, Suzy propped herself up on some throw pillows and put her legs up on the couch. “I’m alone,” she confirmed. “What’s up?” 

A pause. “I’m not asking you to, but I want to know - can you keep a secret from Arin?”

Suzy weighed that carefully. She was always very open with Arin, but Dan would never ask unless it was necessary. “For you, I can.”

“I don’t know how to say this. I don’t know why I’m saying this to _you_ , of all people…Maybe I feel guilty. Fuck, of _course_ I feel guilty.”

It wasn’t like Dan to ramble like this. Suzy was patient, but her curiosity was stronger than ever. “Why wouldn’t you want to tell me?”

“It’s about Arin,” Dan said, and stopped. “Suzy, _please_ don’t tell him, okay?”

“It’s okay, Dan,” Suzy said, her voice soft. “I won’t tell him.” How could she deny him anything? He’d been through so much. If he needed someone to keep a secret, even from her husband, and she was the first person he thought of…well, it was a no-brainer. A lot of her friends liked to confide in her. Suzy valued loyalty and trustworthiness, as Arin did, and to know that others saw her as a trustworthy person was pleasing.

“I’m feeling very…confused, I guess,” Dan said. “About…things that most other people figure out in their late teens or twenties.”

“There’s no age limit on learning,” Suzy told him. She swung her legs up on the couch and leaned back to be comfortable.

“Well, of course not, but when it’s about - shit like this…” There was a faint scratchy raspy noise, like Dan was rubbing his chin. “I guess I…realized something new about myself? And it’s a little scary. I’m not ashamed of it, or anything. I don’t even know if it’s just - him - or if it might be…Well, they say everyone’s on a spectrum, right?”

Suzy was lost now. She didn’t even know how to prompt him. “What does this have to do with Arin?”

“I - fuck, Suze, I have feelings for him. Not platonic feelings. I - I have a fucking _crush_ on him, what the fuck.” Dan laughed, but she could hear the tinge of hysteria there. 

Suzy was glad Dan couldn’t see the grin that had lit up her face. She knew damned well that Arin had been half in love with Dan for years, without knowing it. It was all she could do not to call it out, and encourage him, but she knew it wasn’t her place to read his soul for him without being asked for her opinion. All she said was, “And you’re worried that it makes you gay?” 

“No. I know I like women. And I don’t think being gay is bad, obviously. It’s just. Something I never thought I would feel, y’know? I’m almost forty. I’ve identified as straight for all these years.”

“I can see how it must be a little frightening,“ Suzy agreed. “When did this start?”

“I want to say, since I woke up in the hospital,” Dan told her. “I even believed that for a long time. He took such good care of me. Seems like a good way to fall in love, right?” Dan forced a laugh. His speech was stilted, his pacing off. “But then I thought a little harder. Turns out I’m shit at lying to other people, but I’m super good at lying to myself.”

“What does that mean?”

“I think…I think I’ve liked him for a long time.”

“Do you think he knows this?” Suzy’s brain worked furiously. If she could get Dan to make the first move…

“Suze?” Dan sounded confused again. “Aren’t you even a little bit upset? I just told you that I have feelings for your husband.”

“Why would I be upset?”

“You’re my _best friends_ ,” Dan pointed out. “And you’re married.”

“Did Arin not tell you?” 

Now Dan was lost. “Tell me what?”

“About our agreement,” Suzy said. “Dan we - we’re not exactly monogamous.”

“ _What_? So he - so you - how did I not know? Who are you dating? Wait, fuck, you don’t have to tell me. It’s just that - when the hell do you guys have time to see other people?”

“Dan,” Suzy said patiently. “Non-monogamous does not mean we’re always dating a boatload of people, or even dating other people at all. We’ve never dated anyone else. But we both know that love can be bigger than just two people. That there’s not a limit on how many people you can fit in your heart.”

“Or your bed.” She could hear the smile that split his face. “I shouldn’t be joking around. That was a really beautiful thing to say, Suze.”

“Thanks.” She grinned too. “So now that we’ve established that I’m not gonna be jealous, or angry…” 

“I wanted some advice,” Dan said. “I don’t think it’s good for me to be around him so much, especially since my meds make me stupid. I feel like I’m gonna say or do something that’s going to freak him out.”

“He wouldn’t judge you,” Suzy said. 

“Maybe not,” Dan said doubtfully, “but at the same time…I don’t want to make things weird between us. He’s my best friend, and I love how comfortable he is around me. I don’t want that to change.”

“What makes you so sure Arin doesn’t feel the same way about you?” Suzy asked neutrally.

Dan made a funny noise like he was choking on his own breath. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“He doesn’t,” Dan insisted after a short stretch of silence. “He…I know he likes to joke around, but…”

“But?”

“Last night,” Dan started, his voice going strangely hollow. “I almost thought that maybe he wanted…”

Intrigued, Suzy sat up straighter. “What happened?”

“He was having a nightmare, so I woke him up. I wasn’t trying anything - I just wanted to be there for him. But I couldn’t help myself…I cuddled up to him, and he woke up and seemed to want to snuggle back, and he gave me this _look_ , and I…I wanted to kiss him so fucking bad, but…he got freaked out, he told me to stop touching him, and then he got all weird and wouldn’t look at me.”

Suzy exhaled hard and tucked the phone between her ear and her shoulder so she could use both hands to massage her temples. God, she loved Arin to death, but sometimes…

Dan wasn’t finished. “This is what I meant by me being stupid. He was disoriented and scared, of course he didn’t want to be groped.”

“Groped?”

“I was trying to straighten his shirt? But his stomach felt nice, and I…” Dan drew a sharp breath between his teeth, making a hissing sound. “I shouldn’t have done it. I’m such an idiot. I…he didn’t say anything about it, but he must be a little angry…”

“Dan,” Suzy interrupted. “Can you listen to me?”

“Sure.”

“So you think that Arin was confused, because he had just woken up, right?”

“Right,” Dan said. “We didn’t mean to sleep so long, and he was having bad dreams, and I woke him up - ”

“What if Arin thought the same thing about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if he thought you were confused?”

“I guess that’s possible. But…”

“All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t jump to conclusions,” Suzy explained. “Maybe he was okay with you touching him, but not with the idea that you were doing it because you weren’t fully in control of your own actions.”

“But he’s not - into dudes, is he? He says he is, sometimes, but it’s always a joke…”

“Dan, you’ve been telling him that you’re straight for years.”

“Are you telling me he’s not?”

“I can’t speak for him. I’m just telling you not to assume anything...and to remember how you acted when you first joined the Grumps, when anyone did anything remotely gay around you.”

“Shit,” Dan cursed. “You think he was ever offended? If he’s…Shit, Suzy, I need to think about all of this. I still can’t even believe that you’re okay with it.”

“Talk to him about it,” Suzy encouraged gently. “Not before you fall asleep, and not just after you wake up. When you’re both calm and comfortable and alert. You don’t have to tell him that you like him right away. Talk to him about how you have questions about your own sexuality. See how he reacts. He’ll have some wonderful advice for you, in any case.”

“I will,” Dan said with determination. “When will I get to see you again?”

“You want me to come over tomorrow morning?”

“Sure,” Dan sounded happy. “By ‘morning’, you mean one or two in the afternoon, right?”

She laughed. He knew her too well. “Sounds about right. Why don’t I bring you boys some lunch, then? One of those thick green smoothies that you like?”

“Ooh,” Dan said. “Berry-spinach, please.”

“Done,” she replied. “I’ll see you then.”

The silence on the other end stretched out so long that Suzy almost thought Dan had hung up. Then he said, quietly, “I love you a lot, Suzy. I really appreciate your help.”

She was touched. “I love you too,” she said. “Good luck with everything.” 

Suzy put the phone down and smiled to herself. Reaching for her sandwich again, she wondered how long it would take her husband to realize how blind he was being. Everyone could see how much they loved each other. Even Dana said as much, when she had taken Suzy out for breakfast one day in Jersey when Arin had refused to leave Dan’s side.

“I hope my brother realizes that the only reason he’s single is that he can’t figure out that men can like other men while still being interested in women,” she’d said dryly, sipping her tea. “I can only drop so many hints.”

“What sort of hints?” Suzy had asked. Dana already knew about her thoughts about monogamy. 

“I don’t even know if they’re subtle enough to be _hints._ He told me that Arin was his best friend, and then two seconds later we were talking about the secret to a good relationship, and I told him that it was as simple as finding a best friend you want to fuck.” Dana looked pained. “I’m not gonna spell it out for him. God knows he needs to work it out for himself. He can be so brilliant at times, and yet so _dim._ ”

“I know,” Suzy had said, thinking about the wistful way Arin looked at Dan. “I understand, trust me.”

Well, Suzy reflected, she’d done all she could. Now she could only hope for the best.


	9. ix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change!

“I want to shave,” Dan said aloud as he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. 

Arin was preparing for their daily ritual of getting ready for the day together. It had changed slightly from how they had done it before. They could only ignore Dan’s lack of showering for so long before something had to be done. Arin had bought a handheld showerhead, and they would both - Dan in his swim trunks and Arin in his underwear, since he didn’t have an extra pair of trunks that would fit Arin - climb in the shower together so that Arin could carefully wash Dan’s hair and back and armpits, and then, with Dan sitting on the edge of the tub, his feet. Then Arin would hand the showerhead to Dan, get out, draw the curtain, and let Dan do the lower half of his body. 

Despite his growing repertoire of fantasies involving Arin, Dan was very grateful for what little privacy he had left. His experiences with sponge baths had left him no doubt that cleaning certain creases and details were best done by himself. The lack of nudity was good, too. As curious as he was to see what Arin looked like in all his naked glory, he wouldn’t want to witness it in this awkward, clinical way. There was still sometimes an element of shame in letting someone care for him like this.

“I wish I could grow more beard like you. All I can do it this,” Arin said, gesturing at his own face. “This is the pinnacle of beard for me.”

Dan wanted to reach up and touch Arin’s moustache, feel the coppery bristles with the pads of his index finger and thumb. The doctor had warned him against straining himself, though, and he wasn’t sure if he could. “Yours looks soft.”

“It’s not,” Arin laughed. “It’s bristly as fuck.”

“Let me feel it?” Dan asked, opening his palm. Arin shrugged, bent low, and pressed his chin into Dan’s hand.

Dan swiped his thumb across Arin’s face, accidentally touching more of his mouth than his moustache, and the silkiness of Arin’s lower lip amidst the prickles of his facial hair made his breath catch. Arin’s breath was hot and moist on his palm. He slid his hand lower and gripped at Arin’s chin. 

Arin’s laugh was a gusty warm rush of air on Dan’s wrist. “You like it?” he teased. “My fuckin’ neck beard?”

“Feels good. It’s - dense.” Dan gave a tug. 

“ _Dense?_ ” Arin straightened up, grinning. “Shit, yours will be thicker than mine soon.”

“I hate it,” Dan complained. “It’s itchy.”

Arin raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking me to shave you?”

“Would you?” Dan asked hopefully.

“I could try,” Arin said slowly, eyeing Dan’s face critically. “With my electric razor, not your straight razor.”

“Yeah, I don’t want any Sweeney Todd shit to go down.”

“Shower first,” Arin said, “and then we’ll give it a shot.”

“Alright,” Dan agreed easily. “Get your clothes off and help me in.”

“That’s what she said,” Arin threw back.

“Oh, very original,” Dan said mockingly as he was helped into the bathtub. “That didn’t even make sense.”

“Watch it, Daniel.” Arin pointed the showerhead at him threatening. “Remember who controls the temperature of the water and ask yourself how it would feel if I surprised you halfway through…”

“You wouldn’t,” Dan said cheerfully. 

Arin turned the blue tap on all the way. The freezing water puddled around their feet. Arin pointed the showerhead at Dan and put his thumb on the button to turn it on. 

“No! You wouldn’t! Ah, ah, I’m sorry! Uncle!”

Arin snorted and balanced the taps. The water that jetted out of the showerhead was perfect, warm but not scalding. “Better?”

“Much.” Dan tilted his head back to make it easier for Arin to wet his hair. “What’s on the torture roster for today?” Dan asked as the water sluiced down his back. He had to talk while Arin washed his hair, or else it started to feel too good. “Is it the doctor again, or just physical therapy, or both?”

“It’s Thursday,” Arin reminded him. “No doctor, just physical therapy at eleven.”

Dan groaned, the sound loud as it bounced off the tiled walls.

“Is it that bad?” Arin asked. The small cramped space filled with the sweet smell of Dan’s honey-coconut shampoo.

“It’s not exactly intense. The doctor guy is a sadist, but I guess he knows what he‘s doing.” It didn’t hurt that badly, but Dan still hated feeling so useless. He thought for a moment, wanting to say something positive. Arin was massaging his scalp with firm strokes and it was making him feel pleasantly soft. “I made a friend there, who I see sometimes. She’s got some sort of back injury but it’s getting better.” 

Arin hummed. “That’s nice,” he answered distantly as he squeezed out the excess water from Dan’s hair and worked in a handful of conditioner.

Dan tilted his head back as Arin began to rinse out the conditioner, keeping one hand on Dan’s forehead to make sure water didn’t get in his eyes. The warmth of the water was making Dan a little sleepy. He was pretty sure that he’d gotten more sleep in the past few weeks than he had in the past decade. “Have you ever fallen asleep in a bathtub?”

“Kesha style?” Arin asked. “Or like, just while having a bath?”

Dan laughed. “While having a bath.”

“I remember being scared of it when I was a kid. Like, six or seven. I would lay down and get all comfy - totally fuckin’ submerged - ”

“Oh, dude, back then my whole body fit under the water, baths were the _bomb_.”

“ - and I would close my eyes and then be like, oh fuck, if I fall asleep, I’m gonna drown.”

“Is that possible?”

“Nah. You’d wake up.” Arin rubbed soap across Dan’s back and shoulders, using his fingers to work up to his neck and around the finer details of his collarbone and shoulders. He was very careful not to wet the dressing on Dan’s chest.

“What if I fall asleep right now, just standing up?” Dan felt so good, basking in the steam, hot water melting away the stiffness in his back.

“Try to fall backward so I can catch you,” Arin suggested. His hand touched Dan’s waist lightly for balance.

Dan closed his eyes and wondered what it would feel like to put his arms around Arin, both of them wet and slippery, their skin sliding together. He always tried very hard not to look at Arin. A few minutes in the steam and spray, and Arin’s underwear clung to every detail of what was beneath. When he passed Dan the showerhead and climbed out of the tub, Dan got a glimpse of his ass, all soft plush curves and pale white skin. 

Getting his bottoms off was easy. He could awkwardly pluck at the waistband until it was lower than his hipbones, and then wriggle and shimmy until they fell down his legs and he could step out. Once he was clean, he used one knobbly knee to turn off the taps without having to bend over, and waited for Arin to pass him a towel to wrap around his waist. 

He came out, hair dripping all over the bathmat. Arin used another towel to pat his hair dry and ran a wide-toothed comb through it. “You look so different with wet hair,” he said. “You still want me to try shaving you?”

“Just let me pee and try to get dressed,” Dan answered, trying to sound cheerful.

Arin nodded and closed the door behind him. Dan waited until he heard his heavy footsteps on the stairs. 

Dan used the toilet, tossed the towel on the rack, and padded naked into his bedroom. The only part he couldn’t always do by himself was get his underwear and pants on. Today he wanted to try. After his skin was dry enough not to cling to fabric, Dan took several deep, soothing breaths, picked up his clean underwear, and tried to slowly bend all the way down to get his feet into the legholes. 

The pain, a constant dull thrum, began to spit hot sparks down his arm angrily. Dan ignored it, remembering what his doctor said about the pain being unavoidable at times, and ‘nothing to worry over’ as long as he wasn’t lifting things or trying to do anything overhead. He was able to reach down to his knees, but no further; his chest began to burn fiery hot and he straightened up, swearing out loud. Further attempts yielded the same result.

He couldn’t do it. He was as helpless as a child, no matter how hard he tried or what the doctor said about how well he was healing. 

His frustration was getting the best of him, creeping in through all the cracks and making the rest of him crumble. The tears were on him before he could hold them back, angry tears, running down his face and into his mouth. Stupidly, he pushed himself and tried once more, and the sparks turned into a fucking _explosion_ , bursting through his chest and filling his throat with a cry. 

Soft knocking at the door, and Arin’s worried voice. He’d appeared like magic. “Danny?”

Dan’s knees wouldn’t support him anymore. He collapsed onto the bed and drew a pillow over his lap, rocking back and forth as he rode the wave of pain. Every time he tried to speak his breath would be sucked away in a gasp of agony.

“Dan,” Arin said again, more urgently, and when Dan couldn’t respond the door to his room flew open and Arin was at his side in seconds. “Dan, shit, are you okay?”

“I can’t,” Dan managed to gasp. “I hate this. I fucking hate this, Arin. I want…”

“It’s okay. I’m not gonna look. I’m going to help you stand up, okay? Unless you don‘t want to?” 

“I want to.” Dan kept his eyes shut, humiliated, as Arin got his feet into the legholes first and then helped him stand so he could pull the boxers up to his waist. Pants followed, the same ones Dan had worn yesterday. Arin got a belt, too, since all of Dan’s pants hung looser on his too-skinny frame. 

Arin was still murmuring to him, nonsensical words of comfort, maybe questions, but Dan closed his ears and his eyes and hugged his arms to his sides once Arin had slipped on a shirt for him.

“You want some time alone?” Arin asked finally, gentle. “Or do you still want to try shaving?”

“Shaving can wait,” Dan muttered. He didn’t want to be coddled anymore. He shied away from the hand that sought to grab his own.

“I can go make breakfast,” Arin said, withdrawing.

“Sorry,” Dan whispered. “I’m sorry, you’re only trying to help. I just need - ”

Arin kissed the top of his head lightly. “I know. It’s okay. I’ll see you when you’re ready.”

Dan waited until he heard Arin reach the lower level before letting himself have a good cry, in his own blessed privacy.

**

Arin was standing at the stove when Dan came downstairs, feeling a little better for letting his emotions pour out of his eyeballs for a good half-hour.

He had to lean hard on the railing with his left arm and inch his feet down so carefully, but he was grateful that he could do it at all. As hard as it was to feel like he was making progress when he had to have someone else dress him, he knew things were slowly getting better. Even sitting up was getting a little easier. Not much, but some. Arin didn’t have to strain so hard to lift him when Dan could bear some of the weight. Thinking about his own progress, plus having Brian to look forward to, helped keep him from feeling too upset about the impending appointment. He’d already complained to Arin enough. Arin deserved better thanks for all his efforts than Dan moping around.

“Feeling better?” Arin asked, over the sound of butter sizzling in a pan.

“Yeah.” After the cry-fest, Dan had called Brian to vent some of his rage, and once he’d calmed down he talked to Rachel and Audrey. “What’s for breakfast?” Dan tried to peer around Arin’s big frame to see what he was cooking. There was a bowl of batter beside him, and Dan tried to poke a finger into it for a taste. Arin swatted his hand lightly with the plastic spatula. 

“Blueberry banana pancakes,” Arin named them. “Just eggs and fruit, a little baking powder, and vanilla for extra flavour.”

They smelled good, but Dan wanted to needle him. He liked teasing Arin. “What’s with you and bananas?”

“They’re good for relieving muscle cramps after a workout, and they’re good for digestion. Both big pluses for you since you have your physical therapy shit. Speaking of shit, they keep you regular.”

“You just made that up.” Dan used his foot to ease a stool out from beneath the lip of the counter. The seats were tall enough for Dan to easily sit down on his own.

“I did not,” Arin sounded offended. “I eat the fuck out of these when I’m doing paleo, and I feel great. It’s the potassium and magnesium that help your muscles. Lots of fiber.”

“You don’t need help pooping more often. You’re already at what, two a day?”

“Sometimes three,” Arin answered cheerfully, deftly scooping three pancakes onto Dan’s plate. “It’s fucking awesome.”

Dan opened his mouth to give his opinion on what trying to sit on the toilet by himself felt like - he refused help with _that_ , it was embarrassing enough that about five nurses had witnessed it already - and closed it again, not wanting to see Arin upset for him. Also, the food was done, and he didn’t want to think about poop. He squeezed a drizzle of honey over his pancakes, took his fork and dug in.

“Oh fuck,” he said. “These are great.”

“Told you.” Arin waved the spatula in the air. “Master chef, baby, don’t forget it.”

Dan wanted to finish all three, despite his tight stomach, a testament to how good they were. Arin managed six in the time it took Dan to eat his first two and began washing the dishes. They weren’t as sweet and cakey as the pancakes Dan was used to, but it was comfort food nonetheless. 

Arin glanced at the clock as Dan was finishing the last few bites. “We better hurry up if we’re gonna make it there by eleven.”

“Joy,” Dan made a face and licked his plate clean. “I can’t wait to see my favourite sadist.”

“You made plans with Ross without me?”

“Oh, ha-ha,” Dan rolled his eyes, but his smile was genuine.

**

Physical therapy was the same hellish experience it had been the last time he was there. 

“You need to keep your strength up,” the chipper, reed-thin therapist said brightly, as he always did, as he put Dan through the paces of endless stretches. Dan kept forgetting his name. Dr. Oswald, Dr. Oswell, something like that. Dr. Oswell looked a little bit like a chicken and was fond of telling Dan that he was giving up too soon, to hold that stretch, hold it, _hold it,_ until Dan wanted to scream.

 _If I’m supposed to be keeping my strength up, why do I feel so goddamn weak every time I leave?_ Dan wanted to snap back. He held his tongue, though. He knew exactly why he was so cranky, and it had nothing to do with Dr. Osmund. The doctor had prescribed him a lower dose of the pain meds, explaining gently that it was dangerous to take the higher dose for too long. The new pills gave him the same temporary relief but seemed to wear off faster, and they didn’t give him the same fuzzy warmth as the old ones. 

Dan got through the session without making a complete ass of himself or telling Dr. Osney where to shove it, and staggered out into the waiting area, searching tiredly for Arin’s familiar face. He didn’t find it, but he found another, just as familiar. 

“What are you doing here?” Dan asked, surprised. Brian was sitting cross-legged in a chair with one of the coffee-table magazines and a paper cup of coffee.

“You were having a bad morning,” Brian said, closing the magazine and standing up. “I asked Arin if I could pick you up. He’s going to go hang at home for a bit. I brought Coco. I thought maybe we could go for a walk?”

“Doggy therapy,” Dan said. “Actually, that sounds fun.”

“What am I, chopped liver?” Brian asked, but he laughed and rolled down a window so Dan could stick his face in and have Coco kiss him all over with the unparalleled glee that only canines were capable of.

**

Dan held Coco’s leash. She was a good dog and didn’t yank at his arm and seemed content to walk at Dan’s slow pace. The air was thick and humid after the brief downpour of rain, and the streets were empty. Angelenos didn’t like the rain and ran for shelter as if a bit of water on the roads was going to slaughter them all. People from Jersey were made of stronger stuff. Dan could handle roads swirling with snow, had walked through slush and dangerous ice and windstorms that threw ice crystals in his face like little daggers. He liked the smell of rain on concrete, and found the strange quiet peaceful.

“How are things with Arin going?” Brian asked casually.

Dan wondered if his growing feelings were obvious. “Good. He made pancakes today.”

“Kind of heavy on the stomach.”

“Nah.” Dan paused to let Coco sniff a signpost. “Paleo pancakes, with just eggs and fruit, with honey. My stomach’s been okay. Hurts a bit sometimes, but I think it’s the pills.”

“He treats you well?”

“Better than I deserve,” Dan confessed. “I had a meltdown this morning.”

“Over what?”

“Stupid shit. Just me feeling useless. Nothing new.”

“Arin told me you were getting better.”

“I am,” Dan admitted, “but I still hate that I can’t dress myself. Arin doesn’t look, and I trust him a lot, but I still hate feeling like I don’t have the dignity of privacy. We had our shower together and then I tried to put my underwear on without him, and it hurt so much that I cried.”

“He showers with you?” Brian gave him a long, steady look.

“Not naked.” Dan was sure Arin wouldn’t actually mind if they were, but by unspoken agreement, they never crossed that barrier. Maybe it was strange. Dan had showered nude with other guys at the gym before, and he knew Arin had, too. And he’d seen glimpses of all his friends nude at some point. “It’s not weird, is it? I need help to get clean.”

“Weird is subjective,” Brian said. “As long as he’s not making you feel uncomfortable…”

“What does that mean?” Dan asked, honestly confused. “It’s _Arin._ ”

Brian hesitated. “Old man’s paranoia,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

Dan had plenty of questions, but Brian smoothly changed the subject, asking him about physical therapy and how his body was handling the medication. Dan cheerfully denounced Dr. Osmund, with plenty of colourful curses, but admitted that his endurance was definitely improving, and despite the pain, he always had a noticeable mood lift from engaging in any sort of exercise.

“I was going to ask you about that,” Brian commented.

“What, my exercise regimen?”

“No. Your mood. Specifically, your - ”

“I know.” Brian knew a lot about him. He knew how bad the depression had once gotten. How many times had Brian held him while he cried? “Arin’s there for me,” Dan said simply. “He doesn’t let me wallow. He makes me laugh all the time, and he’s good at listening.”

“You have other friends,” Brian told him gently. “We want to help, too.”

“You do. You all do.”

“You should let me come over for a night,” Brian said. “Or Ross.”

“Why Ross? Not that I wouldn’t love for him to come over, but - ”

“Has he talked to you much about himself?”

Dan shook his head. “He came over a few nights ago. We had a good time. He told me about taking martial arts - and something about seeing a therapist.” 

“I think,” Brian chose his words carefully, “that maybe he feels like he didn’t do enough to help you. We all know how close you and Arin are, but Arin’s not the only one who loves you.”

“You think I’m spending too much time with Arin.”

Brian frowned. “I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“Dan, can you be honest with me?”

“Are you changing the subject?”

“No,” Brian said bluntly. “I just can’t dance around it any more. You and Arin.”

“We’re friends,” Dan said, maybe too quickly. “Best friends.”

“Because you would surely tell your best friend Brian the truth,” Brian said dryly. “Surely, if you were facing something big and new and scary in your life, right after said life almost _ended_ \- something like - ”

“Questioning my sexuality?” Dan could be blunt, too.

“Yes, Danny.” Brian’s steely eyes held steady. “Are you?”

Dan stopped walking so he could focus on the question. Coco wagged her tail and sat at his feet, waiting expectantly, her happy tongue lolling out. “Yeah,” he finally said. “Yeah, I am. I’m…figuring some shit out. Or I already figured it out, and now I’m just learning to deal.”

“You know I support you, whatever you do,” Brian said softly, “but are you sure these feelings aren’t at all coming from having him be your caretaker? It forces you both to be in some pretty intimate situations.”

Dan was a little hurt. “I’m not completely stupid, Brian.”

“I know that. I just want to make sure that you’re keeping your head on straight. So much has been going on. I don’t know if it’s good to make things even more complicated.”

“Nothing’s happened.”

“I sense a _yet_.”

Dan chose to ignore that. “If it does, it wouldn’t complicate anything. You know him. He’s good to me, you know he is. I can handle my own life, alright?” Dan paused. “And earlier, when you asked if he was making me uncomfortable - that was pretty insulting to him.”

“I was just asking,” Brian protested, and then he sighed. “No, yeah, okay. I’m sorry. That was out of line. I just… I have to look out for you.”

Dan rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “’Preciate it, buddy.”

“I’m serious. I almost lost you. I can’t handle anything, or anybody hurting you ever again. I trust Arin - I do - it’s just - ah, shit.” Brian rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

“Bri?” Dan was alarmed. Coco began to whine, looking at Brian like she knew what his anguished face meant. “It’s okay, dude. I’m okay. Nobody’s gonna hurt me.”

“I want to personally murder every single person who even thinks about hurting you. Starting with the guy who shot you.”

“He’s in jail,” Dan said. Arin had told him so. 

“Five years,” Brian said bitterly. “Five fucking years, they’re saying, what is that?”

“He didn’t mean to hit me.” 

“As if that fucking matters.”

Dan used his good arm to hug Brian as best as he could. “I’m glad you’re looking out for me, but second-guessing my decisions and pulling the scary overprotective dad act on Arin isn’t going to help anything. And if - something were to happen between Arin and I - it’s my own business, okay?”

“You’re right,” Brian admitted gruffly. “I’m not thinking straight. I just want you to be happy. And _safe_.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that you were wrong before,” Dan grinned. 

“There’s a first time for everything.”

Dan laughed, which turned into a yawn. “I guess so.”

“Getting tired? There’s a leash-free park up ahead,” Brian pointed out. “You can sit, Coco can run around, and I’ll run over and grab us something from the coffee shop. You’ll be okay for fifteen minutes, by yourself?”

“Surrounded by dogs? You could leave me here all day and I wouldn’t complain.” 

Brian helped Dan sit down. A happy Italian Greyhound trotted over to smell Dan’s shoes, and Dan didn’t even notice when Brian had left. Dan patted the newcomer and unclipped Coco’s leash so she could make friends. 

Brian returned within fifteen minutes with tea and oatmeal for Dan and coffee and a bagel for himself. Dan’s face hurt from smiling at the antics of Coco and her new friend, who’s name was apparently Agent Fox Mulder. Dan thought that was one of the best things he’d heard all day. The oatmeal was bland but soothing. Brian threw sticks for Coco to fetch and talked about music, about Audrey, about everything under the sun, while Dan was entertained by all the dogs bouncing and barking and running around everywhere.

“You want me to bring you home?” Brian asked when they were done eating. “You mind if Coco comes inside? She won’t get on the furniture.” 

“She can go wherever she wants to.” Coco _chuff_ ed and laid her head on Dan’s knee.

“Arin said he’d be back at three. I’ll stay with you until he gets in.”

“Sure. I’ll probably just nap, though. Not very fun. You don’t have to stay.”

“I was up at four AM, cleaning up a diarrhea explosion. Audrey’s been sick. Hell, I could use a nap, too.”

Dan liked Brian’s car with its high seats. He could slide right in without help. Coco jumped in the back and immediately stuck her head over Dan’s shoulder, blowing hot stinky doggy breath in his face.

“Home, James,” Dan commanded, grinning as Coco licked his ear. 

**

The evening looked to be ending pleasantly. The sunset was all pale pink and orange and the boldest stars twinkled where the black canopy begun. Dan sipped his hot tea, a blend of hibiscus and lemongrass and some sort of berry, mixed thoughtfully for him by Holly. He was watching TV as Arin cleaned the kitchen. Dan could hear the rhythmic sound of the dishwasher running, could hear Arin on the phone, probably talking to Suzy. He called her every day, and they talked for a good hour every night. It was a testament to Suzy’s big heart that she could handle Arin dedicating so much of his time to Dan, when he knew perfectly well that Suzy’s own health wasn’t always one hundred percent. He hoped they had fun together while Dan was out with Brian.

“Come sit with me,” Dan called when he hadn’t heard Arin speak for some time. “Come watch TV.”

“What are you watching?” Arin came in with his own cup of tea - green and ginger, Dan thought as he caught the scent on Arin’s breath when he sat down beside him.

“It’s a documentary on sea otters. Or maybe just the sea. But there’s baby otters and David Attenborough.”

“I dig it.” Arin put his mug on a coaster and leaned back, sighing and wriggling until he found a comfortable position. Dan shifted closer, knocking their knees together. Arin was wearing nothing but a tank top and boxers again. 

The tea was invigorating. Dan, for once, didn’t feel like nodding off. The documentary was interesting and Arin’s arms looked fucking good in his tank top. From time to time, Arin would lean forward to sip his tea, and when he leaned back he would let his hand brush Dan’s knee.

Suzy’s voice came to him then. _Talk to him,_ she’d encouraged, so sweetly. _When you’re both comfortable and calm. Don’t jump to conclusions…_

Now seemed like a good time. Dan put his head on Arin’s bare shoulder. “You were a lot of help this morning,” he said truthfully.

“Pancakes are easy.”

“’M not talking about the pancakes, big cat.” Dan hesitated, then turned his head to kiss Arin’s shoulder. “I love you. I love how much you help me, and how you never get tired of me. I hope you know how much it means to me.”

“Nobody could ever get tired of you.” Arin moved his arm and let Dan’s head fall into his chest. It was soft and warm, and Dan could hear Arin’s heartbeat. After a while Arin began to stroke his hair. “Love you too, Danny,” he said, and Dan’s breath caught at the tone in his voice. The tension grew thick. Dan could feel it thrumming in his soul. 

Arin’s thighs were so nice, smoother than Dan’s could ever be. Dan put a hand on one, close to Arin’s knee, and gave a squeeze. Arin exhaled audibly. They both kept watching the screen, but Dan felt Arin’s eyes turn to his face whenever the bigger man thought he wasn’t looking. This easy intimacy with Arin felt so right. _Maybe this is more than a crush. This feels more like…something bigger._

By accident, their eyes met briefly. Arin’s eyes were intense, dark and fiery yet soft. They widened when Dan stared back, and he hastily turned away. Dan was sure his cheeks were colouring, though he couldn’t tell in this dim light.

Suzy had told him to talk, but suddenly talk didn’t seem to be needed. Some things spoke louder than words. Arin wanted this, Dan knew it. He wanted it too. 

Dan moved his hand higher, his thumb stroking over the place where Arin’s boxers gave way to bare skin, and still Arin did not protest. Dan grew bolder, his touch firmer, and it suddenly seemed to him that Arin’s glazed eyes were barely watching the documentary any more. He wanted Arin to look at him again, and so he reached up slowly and touched his best friend’s chin.

“Arin,” he said softly. 

“Yeah,” Arin said, exhaling.

“Is this okay?” Dan stroked his hand upwards, pushing the fabric up to Arin’s hip to expose more of his creamy thigh. As his fingers dipped low, tracing patterns feather-light on Arin’s inner thigh, he felt the muscles beneath the softness tense. “Do you like this?”

Arin’s voice was thick. “Danny,” he said, his voice like music to Dan’s ears. “What are you doing?”

“Do you want me to stop?”

When Arin lifted his head to look at him, his pupils were completely blown. “It’s not about what I want,” he managed to get out. 

Dan didn’t quite catch the meaning of that. “Tell me to stop, and I will.”

“Dan…” Arin’s mouth opened in a gasp as Dan’s knuckles brushed lightly against the growing bulge in his boxers. “Fuck, Danny, don’t stop.”

“You’re hard for me,” Dan said. It wasn’t a come on, or some sort of power play thing. He was honestly surprised. 

“Yeah.” Arin’s breathing became hoarse. “Yeah, I am. Of course I am, shit, _look_ at you.”

“At me?” Dan didn’t feel particularly hot at the moment. He looked down at himself. He was even skinnier than he had been before - the food restrictions he had to deal with, plus his time in the hospital, had made him lose weight - and he was wearing a loose shirt that belonged to Arin, with nothing but boxers beneath. He was fond of wearing Arin’s shirts. So many of his own were too tight and chafed against his bandages. His hair was messy, and he smelled strongly of sweat. “I’m not…anything special.” 

“You’re fucking _gorgeous_ ,” Arin breathed, and the words gave Dan a rush of courage. 

Boldly, he laid his hand directly on top of Arin’s cock, curling his fingers around the girth of it. Arin was _thick_ , bigger than Dan would have thought, and he didn’t know what he was doing but he wanted to keep touching it. He gripped Arin through the fabric of his pants and moved his hand back and forth. Arin groaned, low and rumbling, like a purr. _My big cat,_ Dan thought fondly. He couldn’t believe this was really happening. “I could take care of this for you.”

“You really want this,” Arin said as if it was just dawning on him. “You really - jesus, Danny, babe…”

Dan shivered, liking the tingles the pet name sent through him. “Can I see you?” Dan asked. “All of you?” He didn’t know what to expect or what he was supposed to do next. He had absolutely no idea how to touch another man’s dick. But, he surmised, winging it had gotten him this far.

“You always move this fast?” Arin looked drunk, like Dan’s touch was intoxicating. He was looking at Dan’s mouth.

“You want something else first, huh?” Dan bit his lower lip and let it slide through his teeth, watching the arousal in Arin’s eyes shine brighter at the sight. 

“I want to kiss you,” Arin said.

“What are you waiting for?”

Arin groaned again and leaned in, Dan moving to meet him, and their lips crashed together with all the pent-up desire of the last four years.

Arin kissed Dan hard, like a drowning man gasping for air. Dan was used to leading kisses, to dominating them while the other person could do nothing but tremble and moan. Arin, powerful and confident, bulled over him, kissing his lips hard enough to bruise, his tongue insistent and eager. It was all Dan could to kiss back, touch the tips of their tongues together lightly. Arin sucked his tongue, bit his lip, grazed their teeth together accidentally in his fervor, and when they parted, Dan’s own dick was hot and heavy between his legs.

“Oh, my God,” Dan panted. 

“You liked that?”

“Fuck yeah. Kiss me again.”

Arin obliged. The kiss was messy and fast, as hard as Dan wanted it, but it was over fast. They were both panting for breath already. Dan struggled to unbutton his shirt but Arin knocked his hand away and began to work on it himself.

Once his chest was bared, Arin pressed his lips to Dan’s collarbone, lightly tracing the elegant shape with the tip of his tongue. He stayed far away from the site of the injury, for the most part, but his mouth hovered over the worst of the bruising like he wanted to kiss it better.

“We shouldn’t do this,” Arin said weakly, but he kept kissing Dan’s chest, his tongue laving over a nipple. 

Dan clutched at Arin’s hair. His nipples were sensitive, he loved having them sucked and bitten and teased. And Arin liked to bite, he could tell that already. “God, why not? You and Suzy….you’re, what’s the word, you’re polyamorous, or whatever…”

“It’s not that. Who told you that?”

“Is it true?” Dan’s fingers found the outline of Arin’s dick again and squeezed. He felt overwhelmed in the best way possible.

“Yes, but - _god_ , Danny, that feels good - ”

“Then why shouldn’t we do this?”

“I thought you…weren’t into…” Arin thrust up into his hand. “When did you start wanting…”

Dan didn’t want to talk details, to have this train stop just when it was picking up steam. He leaned in and nipped at Arin’s neck, close to his jaw, feeling the man’s quick pulse. “I just know I want you,” he murmured into Arin’s skin. “You’re beautiful, and I want you to touch me. I haven’t gotten off in almost a _month_ , okay.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to resist you when you say shit like that?” 

“Don’t resist. I need you.” Dan surged forward, pressing his own hardness against Arin’s thigh. Arin’s response was lost in a gasp. “Let me see you.”

Arin ripped his shirt over his head and flung it onto the coffee table. Dan let his eyes drink in the sight of Arin’s curvy body, it’s dips and creases and softness and strength. Arin hesitated a moment before pulling his boxers down too.

“Oh my God,” Dan stared as Arin’s cock bobbed free. It was thick and swollen and red, a sharp contrast to the white of Arin’s belly, the rosy tip shiny with wetness already. It curved upward sharply, so different than Dan’s. The little hair he did have gleamed copper like his beard in the light of the televsision, but was as dark as under his arms. 

Maybe he stared at it for a little too long, because Arin huffed out a self-conscious laugh and dropped his hand to cover himself. “Too much? Should I - ”

Dan tried to wriggle out of his pants. The shirt had already fallen somewhere behind him. The room was warm, the couch soft on his bare skin. “You should help me.”

“Fuck. Okay, shit, move your arms so I can - ” Arin’s fingers were clumsy as they pulled at Dan’s pants. Dan moved his hips, helping the restrictive fabric slip down his legs. His underwear came with them, and it didn’t take long before he was naked, too. His cock stood straight up in the air, quivering and needy. 

Arin just stared, his mouth open. Dan wanted to grab him by the hair and shove that sweet mouth onto his dick, and it took all his strength not to beg for it. This was new to Arin, too. There was always a next time.

“Am I going to have to do this myself?” Dan was just mobile enough to take his manhood in hand and give it a few short strokes. 

“What should we…Danny, what do you want me to do? I…”

“If you get back beside me, I can use my good arm to touch you. If you’ll do the same for me.”

Arin braced his arms on the back of the couch carefully and hovered over Dan, tantalizingly close. His wet cock dragged up Dan’s thigh. “Or,” he said, “or, fuck, Dan, I want to try…”

The heat of Arin’s cock against his own length was shocking. Dan gasped, his mind blown at the intensity of it all. He never knew it could feel this good, that another man’s cock would make him feel so weak in the knees, so passive. Arin was so strong, his hands big and capable. If Dan wasn’t injured, he’d eagerly wrap his long legs around Arin’s waist and grind against him, let Arin’s cock brush the places even he hardly ever dared touch. Arin rolled his hips slow, rubbing their dicks together with the lightest most frustrating friction, both of them chafing at the bit for more.

“Can’t move,” Dan mumbled. “Wanna move. This won’t work, Arin, I want to touch…”

Arin dismounted and wedged himself back at Dan’s side, turning his hips to give Dan a good grip and a better view. “Like this?”

With his long arms, Dan could reach over and give Arin’s ass a squeeze before returning his attention to his dick. “Yeah,” he said. “Just like this.”

Arin spit in his palm before grabbing for Dan, which should have been gross but was somehow just fucking sexy. His strokes were firm and confident and made Dan’s eyes roll back in his head. 

“You look so good, Danny. You feel so good. You’re fucking huge, fuck, I bet you make people scream with this thing.”

“Scream for more, maybe.”

“Fuck, I believe it.” Arin’s lips glistened with moisture. Dan nipped at the lower one.

“You’re thinking about it, huh?” Dan felt wicked. “Thinking about it inside you?”

Arin whimpered and kissed him roughly, speeding up his strokes until Dan couldn’t even speak anymore. “I…I wouldn’t fucking walk right for a week.”

Dan closed his eyes and let himself picture it, imagined Arin sitting in his lap, sinking into that round ass to the hilt, Arin rolling his hips to rock back and forth on it. He didn’t realize how close he was until he felt his body tightening, his eyes crossing, his hand’s movements becoming stilted and jerky on Arin’s pulsing length -

“You’re close,” Arin said hoarsely. “I can feel it.” His free hand left Dan’s thigh and slid beneath his dick, rolling his balls in his hand with the perfect amount of firmness, the way girls were always too afraid to, as if they were made of fine glass. Arin’s thumb was even bolder, tracing the seam down to the sensitive ridge of skin, and oh, God, that was his ass, Arin was touching his asshole with the pad of his thumb, and Dan was making keening noises that he would have embarrassed him under any other circumstance.

“Arin,” he cried, his voice breaking. 

“Too much?” 

“No. Fuck, no, no, don’t stop.” Arin’s thumb felt so big and blunt. Dan wondered what the head of his cock would feel like, tracing down his cleft and brushing over his opening. His mouth hung open and his toes curled, and he moaned Arin’s name again without even realizing he was doing it. Maybe he’d been saying other things out loud, too. Arin looked _wild_ and he was fucking up into Dan’s hand harder than before.

“I’m gonna - Arin, I’m gonna - ”

“God, yes, Danny, baby, let it happen, good boy, come on - ”

It was that phrase that did it, _good boy_ , that and the thought of Arin taking him in a way he’d never been taken before. Dan came with a whimper, bucking his hips feebly and painting his belly with hot stripes of thick white come. He let go of Arin’s dick before he accidentally ripped it off, and grabbed for Arin’s ass again instead. His short nails raked across the skin, making Arin gasp. It seemed to go on forever, pulse after pulse, until Dan saw stars burst behind his eyelids and all his muscles tensed up together as he shouted Arin’s name one last time.

When he came back to himself, he was surprised to find himself feeling more awake than before. Arin looked shellshocked and he was staring at the impressive mess Dan had made.

“Holy _fuck._ Jesus Christ.”

“Just Dan is fine,” Dan smiled wickedly. “C’mere, baby, it’s your turn.” 

“Fuck, _please._ ”

He grabbed Arin again and began to stroke mercilessly. “You’re really messy,” he grinned, feeling Arin’s slickness dripping down his shaft.

“I always leak a lot,“ Arin confessed. “You like it?”

“Fuck.” It wasn’t that different than touching a girl, wet and aroused and ready, except that this was _Arin_ , which was somehow even better. “I love it. You close too, big cat?” He thought he could feel Arin swelling even more in his hand.

“A-almost - almost there - ”

“I want to see it. I wanna feel it. Come on, Arin, come for me.”

Arin’s thighs flexed, hard as marble. His chest heaved. Sweat beaded at his temples and dripping down his neck. The smell of his own pleasure and Arin’s filled Dan’s nose, heady and musky and dizzyingly good.

Dan’s mouth just kept going, and words kept bubbling out of him, things he never thought he’d say, fantasies he never thought he wanted. “Look so fucking good, Arin, want to taste you, fuck. I’ll do it, I will, just show me how. Tell me how you want it. Anything you want, I just want to make you feel so good. Fuck, _Arin_.” Dan didn’t fail to notice the way Arin reacted to hearing his own name. He let go of Arin’s dick to lick a wet stripe up his palm and grabbed Arin again, spreading his saliva and Arin’s pre-come up and down the short, girthy shaft. He grinned, blew air gently at Arin’s reddened earlobe, and murmured Arin’s name as he stroked fast and hard, with a little twist on the upstroke like he did to himself. 

Arin spilled hot and sticky over Dan’s fingers with a muffled cry that sounded something like his name. It should have been gross, but Dan found he didn’t care. He looked down at his hand and splayed his fingers, watching the way Arin’s seed clung between them. Standing up to go wash sounded like a lot of work, so it was lucky that there was a box of Kleenex on the end table. Dan wiped his hand and used a second tissue to clean his stomach.

“Passing out already, Hanson?” Dan kissed Arin’s shoulder. He couldn’t help but notice how much of Arin there was, so many places to kiss and explore.

“Did I hurt you? I wasn’t even thinking…” Arin’s voice was slurred.

Dan actually felt better than he had in a long time. “I took my pills, like, half an hour ago,” he pointed out. “Nothing hurts.”

Arin stirred, blinking like a man coming out of a stupor. “Your pills,” he said. “Shit, I - we just - ” He looked at himself, his naked body and spent cock, the wet spot on the couch and the sticky used tissues on the coffee table. Then he bolted upright.

“Arin?”

“Brian’s going to fucking murder me,” Arin gasped, grasping for the light switch. “Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck. What have I done?”

Dan pushed himself up, blinking in the sudden bright light. He scrambled to lower the volume of the TV. “Where are you going?”

“This was a mistake.” Arin was pale. He grabbed his shirt and yanked it over his head. “Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck.”

“I’m a mistake?” Dan felt the words like a blow to the chest. “I thought…I thought…”

God, Brian was right. Maybe this was what he’d meant, by trying to warn Dan against this. Maybe it had nothing to do with Arin at all and Brian didn’t want to be the one to break the harsh news to him - that he wasn’t wanted, that his feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated. Maybe _Arin_ felt uncomfortable being clung to, being leeched off of, and Dan had been reading fucking everything wrong all along. 

Hadn’t he learned the first time, when Arin had bolted from his touch?

_He doesn’t want you._

But he’d kissed Dan with more passion than Dan had ever felt in his life.

Dan felt nauseated and confused. “Not again. Fuck, Arin, don’t leave me again, I can’t handle this. Please. Please stay, and talk to me. We can talk about this. I don’t want to be alone.”

“I’m calling Brian. Brian will come. You won’t be alone.” Arin had his jacket, and he fumbled for his phone and his keys as Dan struggled fruitlessly to stand up.

“You said,” Dan fumbled for words. His head was spinning crazily. “You promised you wouldn’t leave me. You _promised_ , Arin.” 

“I _can’t._ ”

Dan’s heart shattered. He looked Arin in the eyes and said, “Fucking _liar_.”

Arin looked like he’d been stabbed. He actually doubled over. “You don’t understand.”

“Fine,” Dan gritted out, hurt and angry now. Tears stung his eyes. “You’re right. I’m stupid and confused, that’s all. This _was_ a big fucking mistake.”

“Don’t cry,” Arin stumbled over his own feet. “You’re not stupid. Don’t say that. Don’t blame yourself for this.”

Dan had had enough. This was the final straw. “You said you were leaving,” he spat. “There’s the fucking door, what are you waiting for?”

He had time to feel a brief rush of satisfaction when Arin’s face broke, and then the man was gone, and all Dan had left of him was the borrowed shirt he’d been wearing. 

Dan pressed it to his face and began to sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the ongoing support. I cherish each comment and every single kudos. Questions and constructive criticism, here or on tumblr (I'm j-lyn) are always welcome!


	10. x.

Suzy listened for two minutes, and then cut him off mid-sentence to call him an idiot. Then she hung up to call Brian, as Arin requested, to ask him to come take care of Dan. 

When Arin got home, Suzy was waiting for him in the kitchen with her arms crossed, and the look on her face made Arin feel about two inches tall. 

But all she said was, “Brian’s going over as soon as he can.”

Arin nodded. His stomach felt hollow. He couldn’t handle thinking about Dan, or Brian’s impending wrath, or the things he’d done. He could not think about Dan’s beautiful face, the way Dan’s long fine-boned hand had wrapped around him so expertly, the venom in his eyes when he’d called Arin a liar…

Suzy went on. “Brian also had some choice words for you. I won’t repeat them now, but I’m supposed to tell you. Later I will.”

“I know.” He couldn’t hide forever. “I fucked up, Suzy. I fucked up so fucking bad.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Arin. If you’d just _listened_ \- I told you…” She shook her head, her reddish hair falling across her face. “That can wait ‘til later, too. You look like hell.”

Then she gave him a hug, and a kiss to take the sting out of her harsh words, and let him cry into her soft, sweet-smelling hair. She led him by the hand to the bed they shared, her small smooth hands undressing him with the ease of years of practice, and Arin fell asleep, exhausted.

**

It took two full days for the storm to break, two days of Arin refusing to turn his phone on or answer anyone’s calls, two days of moping around his own house and missing Dan with such ferocity that he thought he might actually stop breathing.

Said storm came in the form of Brian at his front door, knocking loudly enough to make Arin jump. He knew that there was no use ignoring him. Arin walked to the door, looking like a man walking down the Last Mile on death row, headed to his own execution.

Brian’s face was curiously calm when Arin opened the door.

“Brian,” Arin said. “Uh. Hi. Where’s Dan?”

“Ross and Holly went over to take my place. Is Suzy here?”

“Upstairs.”

“Good. She doesn’t need to see this.” 

Brian took a step forward and hit him. 

Arin was expecting it, but he still staggered to the side. His face stung. It wasn’t a punch, but a slap. Somehow that was more humiliating.

“Yeah, okay.” Arin touched the burning side of his face. “I think I deserved that.”

“You _think_?” 

Brian’s eyes were two chips of ice. Arin felt real fear at the look the man was giving him. “I didn’t mean to, Bri, I promise you. I - I made a mistake.”

“He can’t even _stand up_ ,” Brian said harshly. “You left him fucking naked, on the couch, unable to move, with the fucking door unlocked, and you’re gonna stand there and tell me that it was just a little mistake?”

Arin hadn’t even thought about that. Why the fuck hadn’t he thought about that? His gut twisted sharply. “He told me to get out.”

Brian’s voice was a whip. “You were already on your way out. Don’t lie to me, or I’ll hit you again.”

Suzy surely heard the commotion, but wisely chose to remain in their room. Arin had already gotten an earful from her.

“You didn’t even have the balls to call me. You had to get your wife to do it. Really, Arin? I tried calling the others but didn’t get an answer. It took me forty-five minutes to get Audrey bathed and in bed as I tried to find a babysitter, and when I couldn’t, I had to wait another half hour for Rachel to get home. And when I get to Dan’s, I find him curled up and crying over you, trying to use his fucking clothes as blankets, since he couldn’t get them on. An hour and a half, Arin, are you listening? Dan couldn’t even go get a drink of water. His fucking medication dehydrates him, you _know_ that.”

 _Oh, God._ “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine, luckily for you.”

Arin was beginning to realize that he fucked up a whole lot worse than he thought. Probably worse than he ever had in his entire life. Nothing he could say could explain what he’d done. “Listen, Brian…I…I didn’t…things just happened so fast…I never meant to make him do anything…”

“I don’t care about that, Arin, he already convinced me that he wanted it. And that he started it. If you ‘made him do anything’, you’d be dead already. But that’s not the point. You’re an asshole, true, but not that kind of asshole. You said you were going to take care of him, and you left him when he needed you. And to top it all off, you’ve been ignoring his calls. All he wants is to talk to you, God knows why after how you treated him - ” 

“I turned off my phone,” Arin explained feebly.

“Turned off your phone? Because taking the time to talk to your best friend while he’s recovering from a life-threatening injury is that difficult for you? What are you, thirteen or thirty?” Brian shook his head. “I’m coming in. I’m going to sit down.”

“Do you want anything? Water, coffee, iced tea…?”

“Water is fine, thank you.”

Arin’s head hurt. His heart hurt, too. He didn’t blame Brian for being so furious. Suzy was going to kill him when she found out. She knew Arin had abandoned him, but not the state Dan was in when he did. He poured two glasses of water and brought them out into the living room. Brian was seated on the couch, cross legged. Arin noticed for the first time how exhausted Brian looked. 

Brian slowly drank half of his water, and then put the glass down and eyed Arin thoughtfully. “Tell me, Arin. Just tell me why. Explain to me why you ran away and left him like that.”

“I…I may have kissed him.”

“Yeah?”

“I maybe did a lot more than kiss him.”

“And? What does this have to do with anything? You decided you didn’t want him near you anymore after you got off?”

“No!” The glass wobbled in Arin’s hand, spilling cold water over his wrist. “God, no, how could you - ”

“I’m trying very, very hard to understand you, Arin. I told you to explain yourself. So far I’m just hearing bullshit.”

“I’m _trying._ ” Arin took a deep breath. “His meds…they cloud his judgment…you said so yourself, you warned me to be careful, that he was vulnerable. You told me not to do anything about my - my feelings for him.” 

Brian looked exasperated. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I told you to be careful with him and his feelings. I didn’t tell you that you were supposed to shove him away when he asked you outright to touch him.”

“I thought the meds would make him, uh.” Arin swallowed back his self-disgust. “Do things he wouldn’t want to do, maybe…or make him act differently, or maybe forget things…”

Brian stared. “They don’t make him _drunk_ , Arin. They make him really sleepy and maybe unable to tell when he’s being flirtatious or when he’s oversharing. They also make him very prone to depression, and when he’s trying to deal with something as life-changing as the thought of liking another guy for the first time, maybe even considering a relationship with that man, that can be dangerous.”

“You said his judgment would be clouded! Your exact words!” 

“I meant that he might not know the difference between your super-fucking-obvious flirting and your regular jokes. I meant that he might not pick up suggestive comments, or maybe he’d end up saying something that sounded like a come-on but was meant innocently. Or vice versa. And that since his situation required you guys to be doing things that could be interpreted romantically, either by him or by you. I meant that you should be careful and _communicate_ with him, like an adult, before you dove into anything serious. To treat him well and remember how much he needs you and to think long and hard about how a relationship when you‘re married and neither of you has been with another guy before could get pretty complicated. _But_ \- I think that if he asked to take your fucking clothes off so he could touch your dick, he knew what he was doing. I didn’t think I’d have to spell this out for you.”

 _Jesus Christ._ “How much did he tell you?”

“Enough that even if the proverbial brain bleach existed, it would not be strong enough to get the images out of my head. But he needed someone to talk to, and you weren’t man enough to be there. So I was there, and I listened. A skill you’d be wise to learn.” Brian lifted his chin. “Look at me, Arin. Are you hearing what I’m saying?”

Arin did. Loud and fucking clear. _Oh, God, Danny, I’m so sorry._ He set the glass of water down on the table before he squeezed it too hard and shattered it. “You’re not mad at me for taking advantage of him?”

“No.” Brian met his gaze and spoke evenly. “You convinced me that you knew what you were doing, when I spoke to you privately. Dan convinced me that a possible relationship with you wouldn’t complicate his situation, when I spoke with him. He also made me realize that it’s none of my business where you two put your dicks.”

 _A possible relationship._ Brian had said that twice now. Arin’s eyes went wide. 

Brian went on. “I _am_ still mad at you for running away. I’m gonna stay mad for a while, but I’ll get over it. You’re stupid, Arin, but you’re not cruel, and I suppose I understand why you ran.” He paused. “I can’t emphasize the _stupid_ part enough.”

“I know I am.” He had no excuses. 

“Are we good now? We’re on the same page? You have a shit ton of explaining to do to him.” 

“Yeah,” Arin muttered. Fuck, did he _ever._

“I’m sorry for hitting you,” Brian said. He did sound sorry. “Can you forgive me for that?”

Arin damn well deserved more than a little slap. “Someone had to do it. Dan probably should have, but you know him, he’d never. Suzy would, but she still likes me for some reason. Brian, do you think I fucked this whole thing up beyond repair?”

“Only you two can decide that, together. Through _communication._ ”

“I love him,” Arin said, and fuck if he was going to cry like a bitch now. He didn’t deserve to waste time feeling sorry for _himself._ “I love him so fucking much.”

“I know you do.”

The tears did come unbidden when Brian hugged him, surprisingly tender. 

By the time Brian drove off, heading not back to Dan but to his own family who needed him too, Arin felt marginally better. Not much, but enough to gather himself and dry his face and regain some semblance of normality. Dan was safe with Ross and Holly, and Arin had a good deal of explaining to do once he saw the man again.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear Suzy coming down the stairs until she laid a hand on his back. Her soft voice. “Babe, are you alright?”

“Did you hear all that?” Arin asked thickly.

“Some,” Suzy told him. “I think I heard enough.”

“I’m the biggest scumbag on the planet.”

“You were,” Suzy agreed. “Not all the time, but yeah, you definitely were. How do you feel?”

“Like a big steaming pile of shit.”

Suzy nodded. “Talk to him. You owe him an apology.”

“I will,” Arin said. “I’ll sleep on it, think of what to say.”

“It would be better not to wait.”

“If I called him now, I’d just start crying, okay?” Arin squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m not brave enough to try.”

“First thing tomorrow, then. Promise me.”

“I promise,” Arin said. “I’ll call him and see if he’s okay with me coming over to do it face to face. If not, I can say it over the phone, if he cares to listen. I promise, Suze.” 

_And this one I won’t break._

**

Arin went to bed late. Old habits died hard, and all that. They watched an old Star Trek episode after their lovemaking was over, and Arin let Suzy be the little spoon for a change. They talked late into the night, about everything and nothing, Arin rambling on while he thought of all the things he could have said and should have said and was going to say tomorrow. He would do anything to salvage his friendship with Dan. 

He curled himself tighter around Suzy, his nose in the nape of her neck.

When he slept, he slept deeply, and did not dream.

**

“Arin.”

He groaned, uncomfortable, trying to get back to his warm safe haven. A hard jerk to his shoulder made his eyes snap open. Disoriented, it took him a second to realize where he was - home, in his own bed - and another to realize that something was wrong.

Suzy was shaking him. Arin blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked at her. Her face was milk white, her hair a mess. “Arin. _Arin_ , wake up, wake up now.”

Arin was groggy and his throat felt dry as dust. “What’s wrong? Babe, are you okay?”

“It’s Dan,” she said shakily, and Arin’s world came crashing down. “Holly called. She said it’s not good. They - they’re driving him to the hospital. We have to go.”


	11. xi.

Dan was dreaming.

He was walking alongside a grey-bricked building, all bundled up with his nose tucked into his scarf, a rainbow of lights glistening off the sheen of ice on the eaves. His breath came in white clouds. Everything was so vivid and bright. When he stared at the lights, they began to dance.

It was a familiar place. He’d been here before, but it had never been so quiet, so empty. 

Dan walked alone in the cold silence, feeling a sense of purpose guide him onward. The parking lot was enormous, stretching a hundred, maybe two hundred feet out into a black void that beckoned to him with a sinister whisper on the wind. Dan stayed close to the storefronts, afraid to look back. There were people inside. He could hear them.

He pressed his face to the glass of one window and cupped his hands around his eyes. Inside was the Grump room. Dan looked for his friends, and suddenly they were there - Arin and Suzy, Barry, Ross, Holly and Brian, their faces turned away from the window, laughing together at some joke that Dan could not hear. Dan walked further, to the next window, and inside was Arin’s house, and Arin was there again, this time alone with Suzy. And in the next window, the Grump room again, and everything was set up to record, but Arin sat alone. Maybe he was waiting for Dan. 

Dan looked for a door, but there were none. He knocked on the window. Arin did not stir. 

There was no way in. 

Dan slowly turned around, facing the black wall of nothingness. It had grown closer. He braced himself against its relentless summons. The longer he stared, the more beautiful it became, a shimmery veil of darkness like glittering curtains hiding some great stage. That thought reminded him of a song he hadn’t heard since the last time he’d been at this very same plaza. _Living on a lighted stage…approaches the unreal…_ If he walked through it, he knew all would be well, but he would have to leave everything else behind.

In the next window, he saw the kitchen of their old house, the one in Springfield where he was raised. The table was set with his mother’s best china and silverware, and the table extender had been put in so more guests could come. He saw Dana, impossibly young, and his parents, their hair less grey and their faces smooth and youthful. He knew at once that it was springtime, and that this was an ancient ceremony that belonged to their family. The last day of Passover. Childish wonder filled him now as it did then. Dan’s father sat at the head of the table, his mother at the other end. Dan would sit at his father’s right side, across from Dana, and they’d make faces at each other when the adults weren’t looking, but even they knew not to giggle or cause a fuss on this day. 

There was no place set for him this time.

Dan backtracked, and then saw the Grump room with Arin sitting in the middle of the couch, taking up both seats now. He was not waiting for Dan. Nobody was waiting for him. There was no place for him. 

The darkness edged closer.

 _I’ve dreamed this before._

Fear crept into his heart. A memory came, one long buried, one that Dan did not know he had in his mind. Staring up at fluorescent lights whizzing by, plain white lights on a white ceiling, a mask over his mouth. The same tantalizing and terrifying void was chasing him, swallowing the hallways behind as they raced onward, keeping just ahead.

Dan pounded on the glass of the storefront window where Arin sat placidly, his face hidden by his hair. Dan yelled his name, smashed his fists on the glass. Something was pulling him away from the window, away from his loved ones, away from everything. Then the ground tilted, and Dan stumbled, fell, sliding down and down and down, clawing frantically, feeling the life drain from his limbs. _I don’t want to go down there. I don’t want to leave them. I want to stay here. Let me stay here, I’ll do anything._ He fought against the pull with all his strength.

The dream changed.

He was naked, shivering with cold, beneath a ruthless grey sky. Freezing water rushed around him, pulling at every part of his body. A river, all rocky and wild and raging black waters, jagged spikes of rock sticking out above the surface, little islands of frothy white spray. Dan looked to his right and saw, with a rush of fear, that the river ended abruptly not ten feet from him. He could hear the roar of the falls. It was the end of the world, nothing but a bed of thick grey fog to suck him down like quicksand. He was dancing on the precipice, trying with all his might not to slip on the jagged slippery rocks beneath his feet. And then, of course, his ankle turned and he went down without a sound, sucked underneath, being pulled inexorably downward and onward to oblivion by some great force.

And was pulled out, dripping and coughing, into the sunlight. 

Dan struggled to breathe and fought the coldness in his chest. He was being cradled in a pair of massive, muscled arms, turned onto his back and lifted so easily. Dan looked up with a smile, knowing who it was that held him. 

Arin’s clothing was somehow dry, his body warm and soft and firm. His silky hair was shining bright and his eyes were gentle, sparkling. Dan gazed at him, mesmerized. The rushing water did not faze him. Dan glided through the water in Arin’s arms, the roar of the falls and the dangers of the deeps all but forgotten.

Instead, he remembered the feeling of Arin’s bristly beard in the palm of his hand, the weight of Arin’s head leaning against him trustingly. Dan reached up to touch it again, but his fingers caught nothing but air. Dan was confused, but then Arin laughed, which made him laugh, too. He sat up and put his arms around Arin’s neck, closing his eyes and leaning forward…and kept leaning. There were no arms around him anymore, only the freezing deeps, sweeping him away. His head went under the surface.

Arin was gone, and now Dan was drowning.

The liquid flowed into his mouth, down his throat, choking him, gagging him. Dan retched, twisted his head to the side, unable to escape it. 

“Arin,” he gasped, choking, spitting, his heart jack hammering so hard it felt as though it would burst through his ribs. He still couldn’t breathe. His chest felt so tight, and the harder he tried, the more his wound hurt. “Where are you? Please…” And thank god, that was a solid body he felt when his hand flailed in front of him. He wasn’t alone after all. “Arin?”

“No,” a voice said, confused, panicky. “Dan, wake up. It’s me. What happened?”

He wanted to laugh. He had no fucking idea what had happened. He was dreaming, wasn’t he? _So why does it hurt so much?_

Somebody was touching his forehead. Dan recoiled. “Who are…”

“Dan, it’s _me_. It’s Ross.”

Everything fell back into place. Of course it was Ross. Ross and Holly were staying over for the night. They’d been with him all day. 

Dan was breathing heavily from his nightmare. “Ross,” he said, like he had to confirm it. 

“I’m going to help you sit up, Danny,” Ross said thickly. He rarely called Dan _Danny_. “Okay?”

_Is it morning already? Why is it so dark?_

Dan tried to speak again, but it was all he could do just to keep breathing. He nodded instead, and was startled to feel how heavy and stiff his head felt. Even the slightest movement made him feel like keeling over. When Ross’s arm slid around his back, he could feel that his own shirt was soaked with sweat. His front was wet too, all down his chest and stomach. Dan caught the acrid stench of vomit and realized with faint disgust what he was covered with, and what was causing the burning in his mouth and nose. _Poor Ross,_ he thought dazedly, as his filthy shirt came into contact with Ross’s body.

But Ross didn’t seem to mind the vomit or the smell or the sweat dripping from Dan’s hair. He was small, but apparently strong enough to get Dan propped up against the headboard. As Dan’s eyes adjusted to the dark he realized that Holly was there too, unbuttoning the shirt he’d worn to bed to get the worst of the mess off. 

Dan could not seem to move to help her. His vision swam. Reality faded in and out. The light outside in the hallway was on, and it was reflecting off of Holly’s glasses. The lights spun and danced like they had in his dream until Dan closed his eyes, nauseated by the sight.

Dan remembered Brian kneeling over him, the feeling of wet snow beneath his head, the world swimming above him. 

The sledgehammer blow to his chest, his ears ringing from the thunderclap explosion. Geddy Lee singing into one of his ears. 

“We’re all living in the limelight,” Dan said aloud with the music, to the pale white faces above him, lips twitching in a smile, tasting bright copper at the back of his throat…

…and he blinked, and was back in his bedroom, looking at the frightened faces of his friends. He was breathing quickly, shallowly, like he’d been running. Holly was tearing up, and Dan could only look at her dully, aching but unable to help. Ross was saying something but Dan couldn’t make it out.

A cold hand pressed against Dan’s forehead, and Dan heard Ross suck in a breath.

“We need to go to the hospital,” he said. “Holly, do you have your phone? Call - ”

Dan’s stomach clenched hard and he pitched forward, the movement ramming a red-hot knife through his chest. He slid down the headboard, coughing. The split second of relief at having missed both of his friends with the stream of thin yellow bile was quickly eclipsed by the realization that there was more, in his mouth and in his nose, and he could not get it out. 

He could not _breathe_. His legs kicked at the damp blankets as he struggled.

“Dan? Dan!” 

“He’s choking,” Holly gasped.

Something thumped him hard on the back, momentarily throwing him back into the past once again. For the first time he remembered landing after the gunshot, the sick crunch of his head on asphalt. Dan closed his eyes, opened them, and came back to the pain of his strained chest and burning throat. He did not know where he was, _when_ he was, whether he was in his house or dying in the parking lot of a shitty plaza in downtown Jersey, but it was all one and the same anyway, then and now.

His muscles seemed to be shutting down, and his weak throat could do no more than swallow, which just made it worse. His lungs ached with the strain.

Black spots burst behind his eyelids as he fought for the oxygen that he needed to stay out of the dark void he was slipping into.

Holly screamed. The sound seemed very far away.

Ross grabbed him then, grunting quietly as he used all his strength to pitch Dan onto his side. His hands thumped between Dan’s shoulders again, harder than before, which made the pain rocket up into a whole new level of hell, but his throat loosened. The change in angle caused everything left in his mouth to spill out. Dan drew a gurgling, desperate breath. 

“Holy shit,” Holly breathed. 

Ross looked as surprised as his wife. For a moment his wide eyes met Dan’s, and their gazes held. But the pain was so great that his mind began to retreat, aided in this task by the limited amount of oxygen to his brain. The light outside his door darkened. 

The blackness was calling to him. 

Dan floated away. 

**

Ross and Holly sat with Dan while they waited for what seemed like an eternity, wiping his face clean with a damp cloth, holding his hand, trying to soothe him. They could not make out his rambling, disjointed speech. Once in a while he would murmur a name, mostly Arin’s. Sometimes his eyes would focus and he would stir, mumbling that he was cold, that he couldn’t breathe. They checked constantly to make sure he _was_ breathing, terrified that he would stop again.

Ross talked back as if he understood. “I’m here,” he kept saying, wondering if Dan knew the difference. He felt deeply guilty over how hard he’d had to hit Dan to make him breathe again.

“You saved him,” Holly muttered. She had been in a state of near-shock since Dan began to choke. “Fuck, Ross, he was choking. You _saved_ him.”

“That makes it sound a lot cooler than it was,” Ross managed.

Holly made a noise that could have been a sob or a laugh.

Dan suddenly opened his eyes again and looked up at him. “Don’t leave,” Dan said clearly, startling them both.

“I won’t,” Ross told him. “We won’t.”

“That’s right,” Holly whispered.

“Don’t leave me,” Dan said again, voice slurring. “Arin.” His eyes were focused on something behind Ross’s shoulder, something only he could see.

Ross did not attempt to dissuade him. “Yeah,” he said. “Don’t worry, Arin’s not going anywhere.” If Dan needed to believe that Arin was beside him, then Ross would not shatter that illusion. “We’re all here with you.”

“I don’t want to go,” Dan’s hand tightened on his arm. “I don’t want to leave.”

“You’re going to the hospital, and you won’t be alone,” Ross swore, a little frightened at what Dan was saying. “I’m coming with you.” _You’re going to be fine,_ he wanted to say, but he was afraid his voice would crack and Dan would hear the lie. Ross could still smell the pus that had been trapped behind Dan’s chest bandage. Though he knew little about medicine or biology, Ross knew that smell meant danger. 

“I’ll be right behind you,” Holly promised.

Dan seemed to pass out or drift off again. His eyes only opened once he was on the gurney, being carried inside the ambulance. He turned his head and said, his voice small and scared, “Ross?”

“I’m coming,” Ross told Dan. He looked at the paramedics. “Do you let people ride in the back?”

“One person, if they won’t get in the way. Are you family?”

“I’m his brother,” Ross said stoutly, though they looked nothing absolutely nothing alike. “We live together.” Behind them, Holly nodded her confirmation. Ross thought she looked stronger, more sure of herself, and was glad. He needed her as much as Dan needed them.

Maybe the paramedics believed him, or maybe they saw the cold defiance in his eyes. Later, Holly would tell him that she had never seen him look so fierce. Either way, within seconds Ross was climbing into the back of the ambulance and scrambling to Dan’s side. The ambulance sped down the streets of Glendale with its siren shattering the dawn.

Holly made the calls this time, to let everybody know that Dan needed them together once again.

**

The wind screamed at him through the crack in the car window as Suzy pushed their car past the speed limit. Arin was busy trying not to be sick as he gripped his own thighs hard enough to bruise.

It was his worst nightmare come true.

This was what Arin dealt with every night when he was plagued by nightmares. Having all his relief and joy sucked away from him, the universe laughing at him for feeling safe, Dan slipping out of his hands, out of his life forever, his brilliant light fading and leaving the whole world dark behind him.

And once again, Arin had not said goodbye. 

Worse than that, Dan’s last memory of him would be Arin leaving him alone, Arin rejecting him, turning their first time breaking the last barrier between friendship and something more into

_He wanted it. He knew what he was doing, he wanted me, and I hurt him._

Brian had said Dan had been trying to call him for two days. _All he wants is to talk to you. God knows why…_ Arin had turned off his phone, shutting him out, retreating into his own safe space where his complicated feelings could not hurt him anymore.

Suzy had told him to talk to Dan. And Arin had been a coward, and went to bed instead.

He could have at least texted Dan, to let him know that Arin would be calling him tomorrow. He could have texted five simple words, it would have taken him less than a minute. _I’m sorry. I love you._

Everything was the same, down to the noises the nurses’ shoes made as they pattered quickly down the halls, the low murmurs of conversations, the snippets of joy and grief from other visitors to the hospital. It was a different hospital in a different city, in a different _state_ , but Arin had to keep reminding himself where he was. He kept looking outside, certain he was going to see bare grey trees and an endless blanket of snow, like the long days he’d spent waiting for Dan in Jersey. 

The first person they found was Holly, tucked into a corner by herself, huddled up in an oversized sweater. She lifted her head at their approach and opened her arms for the hug that Suzy was already rushing toward her to offer.

Arin wondered if Dan had told Ross and Holly what he’d done. He wondered if either of them would want to hit him like Brian had. He stood awkwardly, not feeling worthy enough to speak.

“Holly,” Suzy said warmly, sitting beside her. “Are you okay?”

She nodded, sniffling. Her eyes were red.

“Can you tell us anything? What happened? Where is Ross?”

Holly was shaky. “Ross went somewhere quiet to talk to Dan’s family. He knows more than I do. They let one person ride in the back of the ambulance with Dan. Dan chose…well, he didn’t really _choose_ , he’s sort of…not very _there._ But he seemed to be really calm when Ross was talking to him, and he said his name…”

“I didn’t know they let people on the ambulance,” Arin blurted, thinking of how much he would have wanted to be at Dan’s side all the way back in Jersey.

“I think it’s up to the EMTs,” Suzy told him. “If they need to move fast, if the person is close to dying or something, they can’t have someone getting in their way.”

Arin blindly latched onto that like a dog with a ribeye. “So that means it’s not bad. It’s not that bad. Or else they wouldn’t have let Ross in. Right?”

His words hung in the air, unanswered. 

Suzy started as her phone buzzed from her purse. “I bet that’s Barry,” she said. “I can’t believe he made it here so fast.” Her finger moved across the screen at a blinding speed as she gave him directions to where they were waiting. “He’s coming.”

Holly squeezed Suzy’s hand and waited until Barry had joined them before continuing. “His wound is infected. They think it might be septicaemia, maybe even sepsis…I don’t know the difference. They’re doing tests to see…and doing a lung biopsy? Something about his lungs maybe being in danger, I don’t…” She swallowed. “Ross was talking really fast about everything they told him in the ambulance. I didn’t catch it all. I don’t know anything for sure. Just that Dan’s temperature was just over a hundred and four degrees when I checked.”

“Sepsis,” Arin repeated. He’d heard the word somewhere before. “That’s…”

“Blood infection,” Suzy whispered. “It’s really, really not good. The bloodstream can carry the infection to other organs.”

 _This isn’t happening._ “He was taking his antibiotics. He was fine. He was fine two days ago, the wound looked okay, how could this - how…Holly, how…” 

Suzy touched his elbow lightly, letting him know that he was coming off as aggressive, but Holly did not notice or didn’t care.

Brian came bursting through the big double doors at the end of the corridor, jogging towards their group. When he heard Holly talking, he slowed down and listened without saying a word. 

“Everything happened all at once,” Holly was saying dully. “He was fine yesterday. A little tired, he said, more so than usual, but we didn’t think anything of it. He said he didn’t want to eat dinner. We made him try to drink a fruit smoothie but he couldn’t finish it all. Brian told us that he was a bit stressed out, so we didn’t think to question it…”

Brian’s eyes quickly flickered to Arin. Arin bit his lip until it hurt.

“Ross helped him to bed really early, maybe around eight, and Dan passed out hard. Ross said he was asleep before he even finished laying him down. So he tucked him in and came downstairs with me, and we watched a movie and fell asleep.”

“He didn’t say that he felt different, or sick?”

“Not a word. Ross woke up in the middle of the night and went to check on him. We were sleeping downstairs on the couch. Said he felt something was wrong. I got up and went with him - and we went in Dan’s room, and he was…” She swallowed. “He had vomited everywhere. I touched his forehead and it was on _fire_. Ross was cleaning him up, and we took off his shirt because it was covered in it, and he was just soaked in sweat. I tried lifting a corner of the bandage and we saw the wound all streaky and red and leaking white stuff on the bandage…and Dan wasn’t making any sense. He didn’t know who we were, he was freaked out, saying some weird things…” She looked at Arin as if there was something more to say, but whatever it was, she decided against it.

“He was delirious?” Suzy asked.

Holly nodded. “Sometimes he seemed to come back, mostly, but then he just kept saying how cold it was. But he was _hot_ , you could feel it even just standing next to him, and he was covered in sweat. But then…I called the ambulance, like Ross said. They said they’d be fast and I started to calm down, but then - Dan threw up again, and started to choke on it.

“I just - froze. Dan turned red so fast, I couldn’t believe it. But then Ross shoved Dan over on his side and hit him on the back and made him breathe again. He saved his _life_. I would’ve - if it were just me, he might have choked to death.” She put her hands over her face.

“Oh, Holly,” Suzy said desperately. “Don’t cry.”

Arin was so caught up in thinking about what almost happened that he didn’t realize that Ross had walked up to them until Suzy let out a shriek.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” Ross was chagrined. “I just didn’t want to interrupt. Guys, Dan is okay, just - Holly, hon, are you alright?”

“No,” she admitted, wiping her eyes and standing to give him a kiss. “I had to tell them what happened. It was…pretty hard.”

Ross nodded clumsily. “I’m glad you did. I - I couldn’t. Not right now.”

Arin went to Ross next and hugged him harder than he’d ever hugged his friend before. It took a minute for Ross to relax into the touch, but when he did, he hugged back just as fiercely and shoved his face into Arin’s shoulder. When they parted, they looked at each other.

“You’re a fucking hero, dude,” Arin said bluntly.

Ross looked surprised. “I just did what anyone else would do.”

“Yeah right,” Arin slapped his back. “Don’t give me that shit.”

“He’s right,” Brian added. “There are tons of people that die like that because nobody rolls them on their side fast enough. Even though everyone’s probably heard what you’re supposed to do in such a situation, it’s difficult to think fast when it happens. He might actually have pneumonia, and that could be why he was having so much trouble. It’s not unlikely. His lung did collapse, and pneumonia was one of the possible complications to watch out for later on.”

“See? Hero.” Suzy hugged Ross too. He smiled. 

Then all the others joined in, squeezing Ross in a mass of arms and bodies until his smile turned into a grin.

“How is he?” Arin asked when they parted. “How is Dan? What’s happening?”

Ross’s eyes flickered to each one of them in turn. “The surgery went well. It was fast. They opened up his chest and scraped off the infected tissue. They were worried about his lungs being infected. They’re doing scans now. X-rays, CT scan…”

“How likely is that?” 

Brian spoke up. “There’s no way to be certain,” he said. “They’ll have him on intravenous antibiotics already. The infection was caught very early, which is a good sign. The people who have the most to fear from sepsis are the very young and the very old, and those with compromised immune systems. We already know that Dan is strong. All signs point to a good chance at recovery.”

“What’s a bad sign?” Arin needed specifics, though he dreaded them. “Just how bad is this? If they cut out the infection and put him on antibiotics…”

“He’ll probably get better.”

“But what _if_. What’s the worst that can happen? Is Dan - he’s not in any danger of - of - ”

Brian looked like he’d give anything not to have the question directed at him. “It’s not likely. In the worst case scenario…with sepsis,” he said slowly, “the biggest risk is organ failure and with severe sepsis - which I repeat, is unlikely - gangrene and blood clots. All of which are potentially fatal. Yes, there is a risk.”

The universe had a sick sense of humour, Arin reflected dully as he watched the shock hit all of his friends in turn. If he had any faith in a higher power, this would be the final blow. No divine power could create a world where someone as pure and good and sweet as Dan could be taken away like this. It couldn’t be allowed. 

Suzy hugged him from behind and pressed her face between his shoulders. It didn’t help Arin’s guilt.

“He’s supposed to be waking up,” Ross said. “Soon. Guys, we need to…stop looking like we’re going to barf or something, he needs to see us being strong.”

“How lucid will he be?” Barry spoke for the first time. If Arin hadn’t been so busy worrying about Dan, he would be worried for Barry, who was clearly fighting just to stay upright. He had driven here by himself, and the noise and commotion of the hospital must be a nightmare for him. “Do you think he’ll be able to talk? Does he know what happened to him?”

Everyone looked to Brian, who said, a little roughly, “How would I know?” 

The stress was getting to him. Arin could feel it working on himself too, all his fears crawling beneath his skin like ants.

_Just let us in. Let us see him._

They didn’t have long to wait.

The nurse that showed them to Dan’s room made them clean their hands with sanitizer before she admitted them to the room. There seemed to be no limits on the number of visitors here, for which Arin was grateful.

Dan looked much the same as he did the first time Arin had been allowed to see him in Jersey. Even the bed had the same blue blanket, drawn to his waist. There was no tube sticking out of the side of his chest, no feeding tube to obstruct his mouth, and his face was flushed rather than pale, but he wore the same expression of ethereal stillness. His cheeks looked like they’d been smeared liberally with blush and Arin thought his throat looked swollen. On his forearm, two needles were stuck in the crook of his arm and closer to his wrist. One of them looked as thick as a ballpoint pen. Dan’s arm was already turning purple around where the bigger needle was inserted. White tape held all the tubes in place. One tube carried blood, and the other, some thick straw-yellow goop that made Arin’s stomach feel queasy.

“Plasma,” Brian muttered aloud to him, noticing where he was looking.

_How could it be this bad again? This nightmare was supposed to be over. He beat this, he was healing…_

He could tell by his friends’ faces that they were all thinking the same thing. 

“He’s not awake,” Ross finally said, uncertain. “Maybe we should come back…”

As if in answer, Dan’s eyes flickered and opened. 

A collective sigh escaped six throats and everyone stepped forward at once, bumping into each other, laughter breaking the tension. At the sound of the giggles, Dan seemed to brighten, though he couldn’t seem to fully smile back. 

He was out of it, alright, loopy from drugs and fever and the anaesthetic, and probably exhausted to boot, but he was _there_. 

Arin waited until the others had all had a chance to say their hellos before coming to kneel by his side hopefully. Dan’s eyes were so heavily glazed that they might have been made of shiny plastic and he seemed to be looking at the ceiling. When Arin placed a hand on his forearm, Dan made a low humming noise.

“Danny?” Arin said, his voice so small that he feared it was lost. “Hey, man, you with us?”

Dan blinked, his irises moving, seeming to look right at him. Arin thought he could see a very small spark of the real Dan, trapped somewhere beneath the fog of fever and heavy anaesthetic.. Or maybe it was just his own wishful thinking? He tried to smile at Dan, just in case, even if the man could barely understand what was happening. 

“I don’t know if you can hear me,” Arin began slowly. Dan needed to hear this, just in case…well, just in case. “I am so, _so_ goddamn sorry for what I did to you. I need you to know that it wasn’t you, you did nothing wrong. It was me. I was an idiot. You - you’re perfect, brave and beautiful and gentle and strong, and I love you so much.” 

He was aware of the others watching him. Brian had put on the stoic mask he used to hide his emotions. Ross muttered something in his ear and Brian shook his head and put a hand on Ross’s arm to quiet him.

“You have to be okay,” Arin said. “I love you. Fuck, I love you, more than anything, and all I wanted was to keep you safe. But I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough or smart enough for you. You deserve more. I’m sorry that I’m not…enough of a man for you…”

This was nothing at all like the heartfelt scenes in movies, where his tearful confession was beautiful and sweet and set to sad piano music. Arin just felt like a bigger and bigger fool. Why had he waited until another tragedy to say this? Hadn’t he learned a goddamned thing?

A quiet moan halted Arin’s self-pity in it’s tracks. Startled, Arin looked down. Dan was trying to talk. At least, that was what it looked like. His lips twitched and his mouth opened and closed several times and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.

“Danny?” Arin leaned in closer, full of hope. “What is it, Dan?” He strained his ears to listen in case Dan was trying to tell him something important. _Please tell me you heard what I said. I just want you to know how much you mean to me…_

But the word that finally passed Dan’s lips, breathy and unmistakeable, was “Brian.” 

Arin swallowed and lurched unsteadily to his feet. He took several steps backward so Brian could go to him instead and lean over so Dan could see him. Suddenly Brian’s face was gentle and warm, and the deeply drawn lines around his mouth and brow smoothed. As Arin watched, he thought he saw Dan try to smile.

Of course Dan wanted Brian. Brian was the one who came when Arin abandoned him. Brian was a good friend. Good friends were there for each other.

Slowly, Arin backed further away, slipping out of Suzy’s arms when she tried to hug him. He didn’t feel very worthy of love right now, not even from his wife. He stood still and silent and let this friends chatter away. 

Dan said several more things, so quietly that Arin could barely hear. Some of them didn’t make sense. Eventually Dan’s eyes drifted closed again and the others fell into a respectful silence.

“You need your sleep,” Ross conceded in a whisper. 

“We miss you a lot, okay?” Barry told him, patting his hand. “Wake up soon.”

Suzy rose from where she had knelt awkwardly on one knee to be at face level with Dan. “I didn’t think he’d still be this out of it,” she said very quietly to Arin. “It’s almost like back in Jersey, when…”

Brian overheard and sidled in beside her. “His body just needs rest so it can fight off the infection,” he told her. “No coma, no head trauma. Arin, are you okay?”

Arin just nodded. 

“Are we all leaving?” Holly whispered as Barry eased open the door and held it for the rest of them.

“There’s nothing we can do,” Brian said, as they all lingered uncertainly in the doorway. “We just have to wait and see what the results were from the sepsis test.”

“So what?” Ross frowned as they piled into the hallway outside. “Are we going home?”

“No.” Brian walked calmly into the waiting room, which was a carbon copy of the one in Jersey where they’d spent six hours in waiting to know if Dan was alive or dead, right down to the blue vinyl-coated chairs and outdated Vogue and People magazines on the table. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait for the news.”

“I said I would stay with him,” said Ross.

 _So did I,_ Arin thought. The guilt was still fresh in his mind.

The others all murmured their assent. One by one, they sat in a line, all six of them. Arin folded his hands in his lap, as did Suzy beside him.

Barry’s hands could not stay still. Ross grabbed one firmly. Barry looked surprised, but he did seem to relax at the touch. Ross’s other hand closed over Holly’s. Holly squeezed it and offered her left hand to Suzy. Suzy grabbed both Arin and Holly’s hands at once. And Arin looked at Brian uncertainly.

Brian rolled his eyes and grabbed Arin’s hand himself, completing the chain. “I forgave you,” he said, under his breath. “Stop beating yourself up.”

It wasn’t exactly an eloquent and inspiring speech, but it did make Arin sit a little straighter, with more determination. He met Brian’s eye and nodded.

And so the vigil began again.

Time passed, in stutters and starts, in catnaps and coffee runs and the sound of chips and sodas thunking down into the slot of the vending machines placed in the hallway. Everyone looked ghoulish in the fluorescent lights that picked up the shadows of the face and darkened them into bruises. 

Arin wasn’t sure what they were all waiting for. They could easily leave one person here to wait for news while the others went home to rest. But together, they had strength. They had done this once before, and they could do it again.

The nurse did not bring them the news this time. It was Dan’s mom, who the hospital had contacted directly. The feeling of his phone vibrating in his pocket gave Arin a heart attack, and his clumsy fingers fumbled for a good ten seconds trying to pull it out to accept the call.

“Arin,” she said, warmly enough, though she had clearly been crying. “Are you still at the hospital? It’s _good_ news, honey, don’t be scared. He doesn’t have sepsis.”

Suzy and Ross had practically glued themselves to Arin’s side to listen, and their expressions made the others whoop with joy. Arin, grinning, hit the speaker button and said, “Everyone’s listening, Debbie, go on.”

“They caught the infection in time. If it had gone untreated, it could have gotten to his kidneys, his heart…All the scans came back good, except - except he does have bacterial pneumonia. That’s why he was having such a hard time breathing. It’s bad, and they need to give him a ton of plasma to keep fighting it, but they sounded positive. They said that most people Dan’s age do just fine, if they get treatment right away. We’re flying out there soon.” And now she was crying, but not in sadness. “You saved him again, you’ve been so good, watching over him for us…I can’t wait to see you all.”

“Do you already have your flight tickets? What time do you get in?”

“Not until six o’clock in the morning.”

“We’ll stay until you get here,” Arin promised.

“Oh, no you don’t. Not again. You all need to get yourselves a good meal, and a little thing called sleep. Take a break. The hospital staff are there for Dan. You need to take care of yourselves, do you hear?”

“Yes ma’am,” he said obediently.

But later, when the others all went for sushi at the Japanese restaurant down the block, Arin slipped away early after eating no more than a few dragon rolls, murmuring something about a stomach ache. He had to see Dan again, even if he was still asleep. 

Arin found Dan in very much the same condition as he’d been in before - his eyes fluttering behind closed lids, maybe dreaming, his pink lips parted slightly as he breathed. Arin was suddenly uncertain. _I shouldn’t bother him. He needs his rest. He’ll still be here tomorrow…_

But the guilt held him fast. Without the others listening in, he could speak more freely.

“There’s nothing I can say to excuse what I did to you,” Arin said to the sleeping figure. “I was just so scared of hurting you, of losing you. That you weren’t capable of saying _no._ Or maybe you felt obligated…you were so frustrated at feeling like you were being a burden, and maybe you couldn’t bring yourself to tell me to back off…” Arin had to stop to clear the lump in his throat. “I…treated you exactly how you didn’t want to be treated. Like you couldn’t make your own decisions. That was the one thing you hated most, wasn’t it? Son of a bitch, Danny, I think I hate myself. For some fucking reason, you really did want me, and I threw it all away.”

Dan’s eyes moved behind his closed lids. Arin wondered what he was dreaming about. A wave of sadness gripped him as he realized what they could have had together.

“Whatever happens, I’ll…be your friend. Maybe you’ll want to find a new job, away from me. Maybe that’s for the best. I hurt you, and I don’t deserve you. You deserve somebody better. You could have anyone you wanted, do you know that? I don’t see how you don’t know that. But…whatever you decide, I’ll always be there if you need me. You’re my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend.”

Arin sighed. He was rambling, and not thinking clearly. Maybe it was good that Dan was still asleep. It gave him time to rehearse a better speech for when Dan woke up. 

“I’ll be back to see you tomorrow, okay? You’ll wake up, and we can talk, like we should have done before. Like _I_ should have done before.” 

Dan murmured in his sleep and shifted his head to the side. _My sleepy sheepy._ Arin fought the urge to kiss his cheek. 

He shook himself. _Not yours,_ he reminded himself, his stomach twisting.

“Sleep well, Danny. I love you. I’ll see you soon.” 

**

Arin’s phone rang again at around seven thirty. He groaned and groped at the bedside table for it. He hadn’t closed the curtains the night before and the light streaming in glared off the screen, obscuring the name.

He was alone in bed - Suzy having stayed the night in Ross and Holly’s spare room, an invitation Arin had declined out of guilt. He wasn’t quite ready to tell anyone else how big of a piece of shit he was. Maybe that was cowardly of him. God knew Ross deserved some attention after all he’d done for Dan. It might be that Ross and Holly knew already - that Dan told them. 

“’Lo,” he grunted into the phone. He hadn’t gotten much sleep. “Who’sit? Suzy?”

“Nope,” the voice on the other end said. “Get your butt out of bed, Hanson. I was on a plane for six hours, with a baby in the seat behind me and a screaming toddler across the aisle, so what’s your excuse?”

It took him a second to recognize the voice of Dan’s sister. “Dana?” he asked, startled. Then he shot upright. “Is Dan okay?”

“Yes,” she said. “He’s doing better, and he’s awake, and he’s asking for you.”

“He wants to see me?”

“Of course your boyfriend wants to see you.” Dana sounded irritated. “You have a lot of explaining to do.”

“He’s not - I - ” Arin stumbled his way across the room to wipe the sleep from his eyes with a damp towel and rub a stick of deodorant under his arms. “What do you mean by - okay, you know what, it’s fine, it doesn’t matter, I’m coming - but how did you - ?”

When Dana sighed, she sounded very much like her brother. 

“What did he say? What do you know?” Arin ripped a comb through his hair as he rifled through his clean laundry pile to find underwear.

“He didn’t tell me anything, because he’s as thick-skulled as you are,” she explained patiently. “But I can read between the lines.”

Arin flopped on his back on the bed and yanked his jeans up his legs with the phone crushed between his neck and shoulder. “He’s not my - ”

“You love each other, and don’t try to tell me any different. Everyone can see it, except, apparently, for the two of you.”

“Okay, even if you’re right, you don’t know what I did. He’s not going to - I - ”

“Also,” she interrupted. “I did hear him say that he was half-awake the last time you came by, and he heard you talking. He’s been moping around like a kicked puppy, when all the doctors here are telling him that he has to keep his spirits and strength up so he can fight this infection. Apparently you said a lot of stuff, most of which he didn’t understand, but he definitely heard something about how you can only be his friend, and how maybe he should look into getting a new job.”

“Oh, fuck!” Arin spat out his mouthwash, accidentally splattering the mirror. “Oh my fucking god, that’s the part he actually heard? Dana, you gotta tell him, what I meant was - ”

“I’m not telling him anything, because he doesn’t believe me when I do. You have to come tell him yourself.”

 _I look like shit,_ Arin thought wildly, staring at his reflection. “For fuck’s sake. Dana, please, just tell him that I didn’t mean to, tell him that he misheard, that - ”

“If you don’t get your butt down here in twenty minutes and tell him that you love him, I am going to personally kick you in the ass so hard your nose will bleed.”

 _So much for rehearsing some grand speech._ “Okay, okay, shit. Okay. I’m coming.”

“See you in twenty minutes.” The line went dead.

Arin chugged the tail end of a disgusting ancient cold tea on the counter that might have been Suzy’s, crammed half of a dry bagel into his mouth, and threw himself into his car so hard the whole vehicle rocked. His tires squealed as he turned sharply, accidentally driving over Suzy’s favourite rhododendron in his haste as he raced to Dan’s side once again.


	12. xii.

Arin managed to make it to the hospital in nineteen minutes and thirty seconds. He’d forgotten his credit card and didn’t have any change, so he couldn’t afford to park in the front. The boom gate wouldn’t rise until the toll machine took two dollars. Cursing, he’d frantically driven around until he found a spot in a smaller clinic across the street. From there he’d made a run for it. _I’m here, don’t kill me,_ he texted to Dan’s sister as he rode the elevator up to the fifth floor, panting from exertion and hoping in vain that the sweat stains under his pits didn’t look as disgusting as they felt.

The corridor was bright and sunny, with its big windows overlooking the small green space behind the ambulance bay. There was no sign of Dana, or anyone else for that matter. Arin wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse. He set off down the labyrinthine halls, the sunlight warm on his clammy skin. 

The door to Dan’s room was open. There was a laundry cart in the hallway outside. An older nurse in green scrubs was fiddling with the IV stand beside the bed, and Dan’s head was turned toward her. Arin could hear her talking loudly, and Dan’s quiet murmured responses. Arin slowed his pace by half and lingered just outside the door, hoping not to be noticed, but no such luck. The nurse turned to pick up her clipboard from the table, and Arin - standing in the hall like a deer in the headlights, in his rumpled jeans and bright purple shirt, panting for breath - was hardly inconspicuous.

“Another visitor already!” the nurse chirped to Dan while looking at Arin. “You’re having a busy morning, aren’t you?”

“Hi,” Arin said weakly as Dan turned to look. His eyes widened slightly.

The nurse gestured. “Come in, honey, don’t be shy, I’m almost done in here. I just have to finish tidying up and get this old bedding down to the laundry room. You won’t be in my way.”

Arin stepped cautiously into the room. Beneath the typical clean smells of iodine and antiseptic, he could smell a faint hint of bleach. “New sheets, huh?” he said. which was probably the lamest thing to ever come out of his mouth. The look on Dan’s face was making his stomach slosh around. 

“Yeah,” Dan said carefully, his voice measured. “New bandage, too. It’s good to see you, Arin.” 

Arin recognized that tone. It was the voice Dan used when he was talking to a stranger, like when he called to order take-out. Cordial, even warm, but distant. “You too,” he managed, and then his throat tightened and he couldn’t speak.

The nurse did not seem perturbed by their stilted conversation. She packed away the old bedding and wiped down her work surface with clear sanitizer, humming to herself as she worked. “Have fun with your friend, honey,” she told Dan. “Remember to take it easy today.”

Dan’s smile was all wrong, too toothy, obviously fake. “Yeah, of course.”

Arin stepped aside to let her pass. She smiled at him as she left and closed the door behind her. He could hear the low rumble of the laundry cart rolling smoothly away.

Dan’s forced grin faded.

For a long moment they both just looked at each other. Arin wanted to run to him, to hold him, to shove his face into that tangle of curls and breathe in his scent, but he knew that door was forever closed to him now. The wariness on Dan’s face told him so. _He can’t push me away, he can’t move._ They’d opened up his healing chest again, to scrape out the infected tissue. The scar wouldn’t be nearly as small as before, Brian had told them. Arin wondered how much it was hurting him. He could see the tightness in Dan’s face and the bags beneath his eyes. 

Dan spoke first. “Dana said you had something to tell me.”

Arin shoved a hand through his hair. It was greasy and his scalp itched. “Yeah. I guess, I. I do.”

“You’re nervous.” The way Dan said it made it sound like both a question and a statement. Arin could tell he was fighting to keep his face neutral. 

“Yeah. I’m pretty fucking nervous, all right. I…I, uh…” Arin took a deep breath, gathered his courage…and the words caught in his throat. Why did the truth become so difficult when Dan was awake and listening? “How are you feeling?” he asked instead.

“Arin,” Dan began, then stopped to cough raspily. Arin’s heart twisted at the way Dan struggled for breath between each hacking bark. _We shouldn’t do this now,_ he wanted to say, but that was the coward in him looking for a way out. 

“You alright?’ Arin asked helplessly as the coughing subsided and Dan sank back into the pillow, his face red from the strain. 

“Worse than I was a couple days ago. Better than yesterday.” Dan grimaced. “It sucks pretty hard. Hurts to cough but I can’t stop. I feel - wait, don’t do this, don’t let me get distracted. We can talk about all that later.” He paused to catch his breath without taking his eyes off of Arin. “Talk to me. Please. I feel like I’m being left out of some big secret. Brian and Dana are both acting weird, like they know something I don’t, and it all has to do with you.”

Arin felt pinned in place by Dan’s gaze, like one of Suzy’s taxidermy butterflies. He had to say something. _I was so scared. I almost fucking lost you again_ , he might say, or _I’m sorry, and I’d do anything to take back what I did._ What came out was, “Dan, I - I don’t even fucking know where to start.”

Dan’s face became a mask. “Look, I…I still don’t really understand what happened between us, but if you can’t….if you don’t want to…if you want to fire me or something, you don’t have to be too scared to say it just because I’m sick. I hate everyone feeling sorry for me. I can take it. I’d rather hear it now than lay here wondering whether or not I’ll have a job when I get out of here.”

“No,” Arin blurted, remembering what Dana had said about Dan catching snippets of his rambling speech the night before. “Fuck, no, _never_ , how could you even think that I would - ” His mouth snapped shut. How could he ask Dan to trust in his integrity any more? Arin started again, fighting to stay calm and not veer wildly off course. “You didn’t hear me right. I was trying to say that if you _wanted_ to leave, you could. I’d understand. I’d fucking deserve it.”

Dan finally looked away. “That’s what you came to see me last night to say? That I have your permission to get out of your life?”

Arin felt like crying again. “It’s not - don’t twist my words, I didn’t mean it like that. Danny, please, just - bear with me, okay?”

The mask was slipping. Dan’s mouth had pressed into a thin line. “Okay.”

“I came last night to say what I should have said to you two days ago. I came to say that I’m sorry. So fucking sorry. What I did to you - when I abandoned you - I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. I _wasn’t_ thinking. You were hurt and I - I left you there, unable to get up or get dressed or - ”

“Don’t,” Dan interrupted, his eyes closing. “Don’t pity me, Arin, please.”

Arin didn’t catch his meaning. He took a shaky breath. “I’m not.”

“I can handle myself.”

“I know you can.” Arin was rapidly losing control of the situation. “Danny, please, I - I love you.”

“As a friend, yeah, I know.” Dan’s hands curled into weak fists at his sides, and then Arin noticed the way his eyes were shiny with tears. Instinct took over, and he crossed the distance between them in three quick strides to be at Dan’s side, opposite the IV stand and monitors. Dan turned his face away as Arin took his hand. It felt like being socked in the stomach. 

“I love you,” Arin said again, because he couldn’t help it. “I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I just need you to know that I fully understand that I’m a piece of shit for hurting you. I did lie to you when I said I’d never abandon you. I lied right to your face. And if that had been our last night together - if you hadn’t gotten help in time, or if Ross wasn’t there, or - ” A new and horrible thought occurred to him. “God, if it had happened a few days sooner, the night where I left - and you choked before Brian got there… ” His voice grew thick with tears but Arin bulled through it. “I’m so, _so_ fucking sorry.”

Dan’s fist slowly uncurled beneath Arin’s hand. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Yeah, okay. I just…wish you would have said something earlier, or told me to stop…”

“What?” 

“That night you left. You left after we…you know, Arin, don’t make me say it.”

So they’d finally come to that. Arin squared his shoulders and met it head on. “I was confused, okay? Confused and stupid. I thought you were all drugged up, and I’d made you do it, and Brian was going to fucking murder me, and I - I lost my head.”

Dan stiffened. Then he slowly turned his face again to look at Arin. “You thought I was - wait, what?”

“I…your pain pills, they…or I thought that they, uh…” Fuck, was this really the best Arin could do to communicate? He mentally smacked himself. “You _did_ just take them before we…”

Dan looked slightly pained. “Are you asking me or telling me? I don’t remember. It’s such a mundane part of my day now.”

“I thought they were, maybe, um… a lot stronger than they were?”

Some of the hurt on Dan’s face had been replaced with complete bewilderment. “What does that have to do with anything? And why would Brian want to murder you?”

This wasn’t working. Arin decided to start from the beginning. “He warned me the day after we came home. The day he brought us groceries, remember? He was worried about you, because he thought that maybe I - that I had some feelings for you that were not strictly platonic.”

Dan’s brow furrowed. He wasn’t getting it, but he didn’t interrupt again.

“Brian said - well, I guess I kind of misinterpreted it. He wanted to warn me not to hurt you. What he was saying was that you’d already been through so much and that maybe this wasn’t a great time to try starting a relationship, for various reasons.”

“Starting a relationship,” Dan repeated slowly, and quietly, as if to himself.

The words were coming easier now and Arin didn’t want to stop. “But I’m a fucking idiot, as you well know by now, so I thought he meant that your meds would make you, um. Unable to consent. Like I’d be taking advantage of you if anything happened. And then I thought that I did, and…”

“You thought you _took advantage of me_?” Dan interrupted, eyebrows raising. “What the hell?”

Arin wasn’t used to feeling embarrassed so often. “So I…I didn’t, then?”

Dan took several deep pulls from his supplemental oxygen. “I _started_ what we did together. I was the one who started touching you. I was the one that told you to take your clothes off!”

“Okay,” Arin said miserably. “Like I said, it’s been established that I am officially stupid as fuck.”

“So you - you wanted it too?”

“More than anything,” Arin said honestly.

“All this time. All this time, we could have been - !”

“I didn’t know if you could say no!”

“You know me, Arin! Did I seem that messed up in the head to you?”

“I don’t know how drugs work, okay?”

“You were on the same kind of painkiller yourself a few months ago! Did they make _you_ get the sudden urge to go around sticking your hand down people’s pants without knowing what you were doing?”

“Those weren’t the same thing!” Arin protested. “They weren’t as strong.”

Dan still looked tired and sick, but much of the anger and tension had left him. “So when did you realize what Brian actually meant?”

“When he came to my house to slap the stupid out of me.”

“Figuratively speaking.”

“No,” Arin said. “Uh, literally speaking.”

Dan’s eyes got huge. “Brian hit you? _Brian_?”

“He slapped me upside the head. I deserved it.”

“Okay,” Dan said. “Okay, maybe you did, because running away was a shitty thing to do. Real fucking shitty.”

“I know. Trust me, Danny, I know.”

“I thought - fuck, Arin, you made me so upset.”

“I heard,” Arin said miserably. “Brian told me.”

“Did he tell you I was bawling my eyes out over you? I thought you _hated_ me. I tried to call you right away in the morning. I tried calling you all fucking day.”

“Dan…”

“I thought that you were grossed out by what we did. That maybe…that you went along with it because you felt sorry for me.”

Arin spluttered and flailed his hands out in lieu of a response. 

“I mean,” Dan bit his lower lip. “I…sort of thought you were putting the moves on me that time you were having a nightmare and I woke you up? The way you looked at me, and how you held my hand, it was…well, and then I realized that you were just freaked out from your dream, and…I felt like such a fucking idiot. And then you ran. I understood why. Didn’t stop it from hurting me.”

Arin’s mouth opened and closed. “Uh, Dan, about that - ”

“I know, I know.” Dan lifted his hand, palm facing out. “Hold on, let me finish. I know you’re sorry, you said so already. Just…if I put myself in your shoes, and there was this guy who I had to dress, and bathe, and take care of like a little kid…and I woke up and he was groping me, I can see how I’d be like okay, I’ll just leave, he’ll get the point. But then that same person starts groping me _again_ , and maybe I feel sorry for him, because he was injured and in pain, and maybe I haven’t had a night alone with my wife in a while so I give in a little bit…” 

“Oh, my God, you thought I used you because Suzy wasn’t around?” Arin spluttered.

“I don’t know! How was I supposed to know! You didn’t tell me anything! You wouldn’t even _look_ at me after! You had given me a pretty clear _no_ that time you woke up from your nightmare and I ignored it…”

“Uh, Dan…” Arin had to clear this mess up. “That first time - when we fell asleep by accident and you woke me up - I wasn’t having a nightmare.” 

“Well, some sort of bad dream, even if you don’t remember it. You were moaning, and tossing and turning…”

Arin flushed a deep red and had to break their eye contact, embarrassed. “I was having a different sort of dream, and I remember it very well.”

“Oh,” Dan said, but he still didn’t get it. “Um, okay. What was it about?”

Well, fuck, if Arin’s going to be coming clean, he might as well say it all. “I was having a really, really good dream. About - about you.”

He can see the moment of realization dawn in Dan’s eyes. “You mean like - you and I - together?”

Arin nodded. 

“And then I woke you up and you were…freaked out because you had a big gay dream?”

“No.” It was becoming easier to be honest the more he got off his chest. “It just - blended so easily into reality. I thought I was still dreaming, so I was gonna kiss you, and then it was like - I didn’t know if I’d been acting out other parts of my dream, doing shit to you in your _sleep_ or something gross? I was all confused, like I always am if I nap at a weird time. You were touching me and it felt good. I was - fuck, I was rock hard, Dan, and your hand was right there, and then I realized you didn’t want me, you were just trying to comfort me, but if you moved any closer I’d be rubbing my dick all over you, and - I’d probably do something stupid like kiss you for real, because do you have any idea how beautiful you look when you wake up and smile at me?”

Dan opened his mouth, then closed it again, blinking. “You think I’m beautiful?”

“Yeah,” Arin said, a little hoarsely. “I mean - look at you, Dan. How could I not?”

“Fuck, Arin.” Dan leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling. “This is…wow. I…you…”

“I really, really fucked up,” Arin said for the millionth time. “Really, really bad.”

“You did. If you had just been honest with me, none of this would have happened.”

“I’m really, really sorry.”

“What else are you _really, really_?” Dan teased him. 

Hearing that joking lilt in his voice made Arin want to cry and laugh with relief. He leaned in and kissed Dan’s forehead impulsively. “I know that you’re really, really fucking gorgeous,” he told him, “and that I love you.”

“Well, I don’t know if this is my colour.” Dan plucked at his hospital gown with a shy little smile that made Arin want to grab him and cover his face with kisses. “But thank you, Arin. You…fuck, you’re gorgeous too.”

Arin remembered what he looked like - unshowered, sloppy, his shirt wrinkled and his pants old and ripped. “I look like shit and I smell like hot garbage.”

“Sexy,” Dan said. “Good thing I’m getting fresh oxygen delivered straight up my nose holes.”

“I want to kiss you again.”

“We can’t,” Dan laughed. “I’m all gross and infected and sick. You should have come back the next day after you left. You missed your chance.”

It was said lightly, but it made Arin remember all over again that he could have never had this chance to make things right. “I almost lost you. Again.” _I could have missed a thousand chances to kiss you, to hear you laugh, to have you by my side._

“I’m still here,” Dan grinned faintly. “If a bullet can’t kill me, I feel pretty good about my chances with pneumonia.”

“It’s not just pneumonia.”

“I know. ” Dan lifted the arm with two needles taped to it. “But I’m pretty sure they’ve replaced all the blood in my body by now. There can’t be that much infected crap left. Have you seen the size of this gross thing in my arm?”

Arin had. “It looks like it hurts.”

“Not too bad. I don’t remember when they put them in. I can feel them under my skin if I move my arm.” Dan wiggled his arm again and grimaced. 

“Then don’t move your arm.” Arin winced.

Dan chuckled weakly. “I’m getting used to it. They stuck a bunch of needles in me again today, to take blood for testing. They couldn’t find a vein.” 

Arin looked at Dan’s free arm and saw the bluish bruising there. That made him remember the way his chest had been bruised so badly from the impact of the bullet and the surgery to fix the damage it had done. He wondered what it looked like beneath the bandage now. It had been healing so well, or so he’d thought... 

Dan saw Arin’s face and stopped smiling. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Arin began to say, and then, “Okay, no. I hate seeing you back here again. It’s so fucking unfair. You’ve been trying so hard to get better, working your ass off in physical therapy…and after all that, to get that call that you were taken away in an ambulance again…I’ve got some fucking trust issues with God and the universe.”

“I had a close call, I know. I scared everyone.”

Arin winced again. “Ross saved your life.”

“Yeah,” Dan said quietly. “That part took a while to sink in. I got to talk to him already to say thank you, but it was over the phone. He’s coming by again today so I can do it properly.”

“I can’t believe that I almost lost my chance to tell you I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry. Sorry for all this shitty communication, sorry for thinking you couldn’t make your own decisions…”

“That’s enough _sorry’s_ to last me a lifetime, big cat. I forgive you, Arin.”

That was more than Arin could have hoped for. “I’ll make it up to you,” he promised. “I’ll make it up to you a thousand times.”

When Dan smiled, Arin felt like he was watching the sun rise. “My turn to apologize,” he said. “I’m sorry for waking you up from that good dream.”

“Don’t be,” Arin said, and then laughed. “I probably would have started humping you or something.”

“Maybe I would have liked it.” Dan’s face - so drawn and tired when Arin had first walked in - was becoming impish and lively.

“What?”

“Lying in my bed in the dark, kissing you,” Dan said mischievously. “Just letting you rut against me to get off…”

“ _Dan,_ “ Arin protested, the words shooting through him like electricity. “Jesus. You can’t get me worked up when I can’t even kiss you.”

“Revenge is sweet, big cat.” Dan’s fingers traced his knuckles.

They were quiet for a while before Arin spoke again. “How long do you have to stay here?”

“Oh, god. A good long while. They’re really monitoring me. I think they’ve taken samples of every bodily fluid I produce. And my chest - fuck, it feels like they took off the bandage and poured fucking magma inside. The nurse cleaned it with saline, like you always did for me before, and she was gentle but I thought I was going to scream.”

Arin’s horror must have shown on his face, because Dan added, “I’m okay, I promise.”

“They had to cut out a lot of tissue, huh?”

“Yeah. It looks pretty gross. My doctor said the scar will never go away. I guess it doesn’t matter what I look like, but….it still kind of sucks.”

Arin resolved to show Dan how amazing his body was no matter how many scars it had. He would lay him down and cover him with kisses, from his lips to the soles of his feet, lick every freckle and worship every old scar. He swallowed. “Dan, when you do get out, do you want me to stay with you again?”

Dan met his gaze squarely. “I think we should talk to Suzy together first. I told her about my feelings for you, but I think that if we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, things will…probably move pretty quickly once I’ve healed a little more. I need to be up front about that.”

Arin nodded. That made sense. 

“And I’d like us to tell the others. Together. I don’t want to hide this…whatever this is.”

“What would you tell them?”

“The truth,” Dan said simply.

“That we like each other? Or that we’re - coming out?” 

“I don’t know about the coming out part,” Dan looked doubtful. “I don’t even know what I’d label myself. I don’t like other guys. I tried watching a gay porn for the first time and it didn’t do anything for me. It’s just - it’s just _you_ , Arin, it’s always been you.”

“Always,” Arin repeated, touched. “I - I know what you mean.”

“It’s just me and Jason Momoa, is that it?”

“Well, and Chris Evans,” Arin joked. “And Cillian Murphy.” 

“All at the same time?”

“Fuck yeah,” Arin tossed his hair out of his eyes and made an exaggerated sexy face. “I told you not to get me all worked up, Daniel.”

Dan laughed. “Okay, back to what we were talking about. I just want to let it be known that you and I are - that we might be - more than friends?”

“Boyfriends?” The minute it came out of his mouth, Arin wanted to take it back. _What if that’s too far?_

“Is that what you want?”

He hadn’t really put a lot of thought into it until now, but he knew that while he’d gratefully be whatever Dan wanted them to be - friends with benefits, friends who experiment - he wanted it all. He wanted the highs and lows, the romance and the friendship, the shitty movie marathons in their pyjamas and the cuddling at night. He’d wanted it for years. “Yes,” Arin replied without hesitation. 

Dan closed his eyes. “Whoa,” he breathed. 

“Too much?”

“No! No - just, hearing you say it was a shock. This is sort of terrifying,” Dan admitted. “It’s all so new. I don’t know what I’m doing, or where these feelings came from, but…I kind of can’t wait to experience everything for the first time again, with you.”

Even tired, sick, and injured, Dan was more eloquent than Arin could hope to be. His voice may have been rough and gravelly, but to Arin it sounded like the sweetest music. 

Arin leaned over to hug him impulsively, keeping well away from the wound. He ended up with his face pressed into Dan’s neck. When Dan sighed deeply and tilted himself towards Arin’s mouth, Arin obliged and kissed him softly, just beneath where his overgrown stubble ended.

“ _Arin,_ ” he heard Dan moan. Arin closed his eyes and let his lips brush Dan’s ear, taking care not to disturb the nasal oxygen cannula.

“Leigh,” he whispered, using Dan’s first name for the first time since they met. He felt Dan shudder in response and grinned, making a mental note of that reaction.

“This again?” Dana’s voice made Arin sit back up in his chair, eyes wide. “Why do I always walk in on this?”

Dan looked startled. “Jeeze, Dana, do you want to give me a heart attack?”

“Sorry. I didn’t think Arin would have successfully seduced you so fast. I guess I underestimated his skills.”

Arin reddened, but Dana didn’t look upset. She took a sip from a water bottle and added, “You’re lucky it was just me. There’s a whole crowd downstairs. They sent me to see how you were feeling and to ask if you felt up to some company.”

“A crowd?” Dan perked up. “Ross and Holly? I need to thank them.”

“All of them, and then some. Barry had the idea to go visit your PO box. He’s carrying something that looks like the sack of presents Santa carries on Christmas morning.” Dana looked around the small room. “I don’t know what you’re gonna do with everything, though. I’ll get Mom and Dad to bring them home for you, if you want.”

“Presents?” Dan wondered.

“From your fans, big-shot.” Dana laughed. 

Arin had largely forgotten the announcements he had made to the fans through their social media. He could only imagine how far they would go to wish Dan well. Everyone loved Dan. It was impossible not to.

Dana looked at her phone. “What should I say? Do you need a few minutes to, ah, calm down?”

Dan wrinkled his face. “We were _hugging_ , okay!”

“Sure,” Dana said dryly. “Arin, if you get sick from kissing him, it’s your own damn fault.”

“I’m not a total idiot all the time, despite all evidence to the contrary.”

“He’s right,” Dan said. “He’s only an idiot half the time.”

“You two are perfect for each other.” Dana sipped her water again. “So what should I tell your friends?”

“I want to see them. I’d love the company.”

“I’ll go bring them up, show them the way in case they forget. This place is a maze.” She left as quietly as she’d come, her long hair swinging behind her.

Dan looked at Arin. “Is this okay?” he asked, squeezing Arin’s hand to indicate what he meant. “I don’t want to let go, but…you know everyone will notice. There’ll be questions. About us.”

“You didn’t tell Ross and Holly?”

“I wanted to. I was…scared, I guess. I know they wouldn’t judge me, and that they’d support us, but…it’s hard. Only Brian knows, and he sort of…already figured it out. Maybe the others have always had suspicions, too.”

“I trust everyone to be respectful and understanding,” Arin said. “And that they’ll keep it to themselves. It would be a lot to make it a public announcement. It’s not so much that we’re two guys, but the polyamory thing - that still grosses out a lot of people. I’m not embarrassed about it or scared to tell the world, but Suzy doesn’t deserve to get slut-shamed by three-quarters of Reddit.”

“Some people would be really, _really_ happy for us, if the fan art I’ve seen if any indication.” Dan laughed, and then his face grew serious again. “So you’re on board, then? If anyone asks, we’ll say…we’re in a relationship?”

Arin laced their fingers together. “Life’s too short for secrets. I’m ready if you are. You don’t have to be scared.”

Dan smiled. “I’m not. Not anymore. You make me feel like I could do anything, big cat.”

“You can.” Arin looked at the gorgeous man beside him. He thought of how far Dan had come and everything he’d been through. With a rush of dizzying love and pride he said, “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

Dan’s eyes lit up and Arin felt like he was being handed the world.


	13. xiii.

Dan tilted his face up into the afternoon sun, closing his eyes and savouring the taste of freedom. 

He was finally leaving the hospital after a gruelling twenty-two days with a clean bill of health. The debridement surgery had been painful, but he was healing. It still hurt, but compared to the original gunshot wound, it was like a mild headache compared to a migraine. Dan almost had the use of his arms back too, although he still wasn’t supposed to lift anything to make sure his breastbone and ribs healed properly. When he had switched his hospital gown for fresh clothes, he had been able to sit up by himself and put them on. In his pocket, he had a fresh prescription of antibiotics and a new painkiller that was nowhere near as strong as the oxycodone had been. 

And he had his friends beside him, giving their love and endless support, which made him feel stronger than anything else ever could.

“Are you tired?” Brian, who had helped him down the elevator and out the main entrance, curled his arm around Dan’s back more firmly. “Let’s sit down so you can rest. Arin will be at least fifteen minutes.” 

“I’m not that tired,” Dan said truthfully, opening his eyes and blinking dazedly. “I feel more awake than I have for weeks. It’s just so much to take in, being outside after so long.” He exhaled hard. “God, Brian, it’s like a fucking prison in there. Time started to lose all meaning. I’m so glad they let me go.”

“Me too. And I never want to see you in there again,” Brian agreed quietly.

“Well I don’t plan on visiting anytime soon.” Dan shuffled to the bench and Brian helped him sit. The short walk from his room to the hospital’s main entrance was more exercise than he’d had in a long time. Dan rubbed his sore thighs and grimaced at the thought of starting over from the beginning with his physical therapist. 

He knew he shouldn’t complain. He’d been lucky. His friends and family hadn’t let him be alone for more than a couple hours at most since he was brought in. Someone was always by his side, letting him rest when he needed it, making him laugh when he was awake and bored, comforting him when the nurses’ daily tests made him hurt. In a place so grim and sterile, the presence of a friend made all the difference in the world.

Brian sat next to him and offered him a water bottle. Dan drank deeply and asked, “Are you staying at my house for a bit or is Arin giving you a ride home? Rachel dropped you off, right?”

“You’re that eager to get rid of me?” 

Dan was horrified. “God, no, I like having you around, you can stay as long as you want. I appreciate all the time you’ve spent with me. I don’t want to get rid of you, how could you think - ”

“I’m _kidding_ , Danny, jeeze.”

Dan’s face warmed. He still felt a little slow. “I knew that.”

“Of course you did.” Brian lifted an eyebrow. “I could stay for a bit, if you really want, and if I’m not intruding…”

“Intruding? You know you’re always welcome.”

“Do you really want me around on your first day home with Arin?”

“He won’t mind. It’s not like we have any big plans. He mentioned something about making a really nice dinner for me now that I can eat normally again.” Brian’s eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline until Dan blushed again and said, “Oh.”

Brian nodded sagely, his eyes knowing. “How romantic. I’ll get him to drop me off. It’s practically on the way.” 

Dan tucked his cold hands into the pockets of his jacket, frowning a little as he reflected on that. The sweetness of freedom had distracted him from the worries and doubts that had plagued him all week, but Brian’s words brought it all rushing back. 

Things were different now that he and Arin were ‘officially’ a couple, whatever that meant. And Dan suddenly wasn’t sure he was ready for change. Arin was his rock, his moral support, his _everything._ It was one thing to desire him from afar, even just to flirt with him. This was a whole new ballgame. 

Dan felt like he was playing with fire, asking the universe for too much at once. Dan had always been a romantic at heart, but his past experiences with relationships had soured his outlook somewhat. He would pour his heart and soul into a person only to have it end abruptly, often leaving their friendship in tatters.

At first he’d thought he was merely afraid of his parents’ reaction to the news about himself and Arin. Telling his close friends was _easy_. Nobody had demanded an explanation. Nobody had asked him to choose a label for himself. They loved him and supported him without question. Dan would never be able to express how grateful he was to have friends like them in his life. 

But telling his parents was a million times harder. 

They were open-minded and tolerant people, and he knew they would always love him, but he couldn’t help his terror. He was their only son and he wanted to date another man. A married man, at that. He’d agonized for days, counting down the time he had left before his parents flew home, knowing he had to tell them in person. Dan knew that he had given them a lot to be disappointed about. Though they’d smiled through it all, he felt there had to be a breaking point. Dan had spent his twenties in a smoky haze of bouncing between unemployment and minimum wage jobs, always borrowing money or sleeping in his parents’ basement. And in his thirties, he was making music about dicks and playing video games for a living. Sometimes Dan wondered if Debbie and Avi looked at their friends, whose grown children worked respectable jobs and had traditional weddings and nice houses in the suburbs filled with grandchildren, and reflected on their own son’s life with a sigh. 

Dan had waited until the very last day before they flew back home to blurt it out, his voice small and scared. But when he looked into his mother’s eyes, he realized that not only were his fears unfounded, but also that the ‘news’ was not really news at all. 

“As long as he makes you happy, sweetheart. That’s all I care about,” his mother had said. She doted on Arin and had been full of his praises since meeting him. After all Arin had done to help Dan out at home, he could have committed murder and Debbie would still find a way to defend him.

“Are you sure?” he whispered in his mother’s ear when she bent to hug him. “You’re really sure?”

“You follow your heart, baby, and everything will turn out just fine.”

Dan’s eyes went to Avi, who had gone quiet. His face was thoughtful, maybe even confused.

“Dad,” he said quietly, suddenly afraid. Surely Avi would never understand the idea of polyamory, even if he could accept his son as something other than straight. He probably thought Dan had gone crazy and was likely thinking of how to ask Dan what the hell kind of drugs the hospital was pumping through his IV.

“This is a new thing?” Avi asked instead, out of nowhere.

Dan was thrown. “What do you mean?”

“This is news? You and Arin have not been, all this time - ” Avi made a weird gesture with his hands that made Debbie turn hysteric and Dan’s face go bright red. 

“Dad!” Dan choked. “Of course we haven’t been - whatever that meant. We just decided a few days ago to try…uh, a relationship, I guess you’d say?” He waited for the questions, the indignation that Dan would be so heartless as to try and break up a friend’s existing marriage, for the shock as the meaning of his words sank in. 

“Oh.” Avi looked sincerely shocked, and then beamed and spread his hands wide. “Well, congratulations!” he declared so loudly that the nurses down the hall gave a start and turned to look. And when Arin came by twenty minutes later, looking apprehensively at Dan’s parents, Avi patted him on the shoulder and asked what had taken them so long.

Dan hid his face with the floppy sleeves of his hospital gown and groaned.

It was the best outcome Dan could have hoped for. It was only after everyone had gone, and Dan was left staring up at the bland white ceiling in his lonely little hospital room, that he realized he was still scared.

“Danny,” Brian called, waving a hand in front of Dan’s eyes. 

Dan jerked back into the present. Brian was looking worried. “Sorry,” Dan murmured. “I’m still spacey.” 

Brian inched closer and let Dan lean on his shoulder. “You looked sad. What were you thinking about?”

“I got lost in my head a bit,” Dan admitted, letting Brian’s familiar smell calm him. “I was just thinking…I don’t know how Arin and I being together will change things with the rest of you. I don’t know how things will change between _us_.”

“You two have always been close. It won’t be that much of a change.” Brian shrugged. “And everyone is really happy for you guys. I’m pretty sure we all expected something to happen sooner or later.”

“You don’t want to come over because me and Arin might need private time. That’s never been an issue before.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I’d love to hang out with you guys. I think a little alone time might be good for you two, that’s all. You haven’t gotten to enjoy any privacy for a long time. And it sounds like he’s planning something special.”

“It’s just - that’s a thing that happens with couples, isn’t it? They don’t spend as much time with their friends anymore. But that can’t happen with us. We all work together and we’re used to being totally comfortable around each other. Our careers depend on us all being close. If things don’t work out with Arin and I…it’ll affect everyone and everything. My job. My life. And yours, for that matter. I love what I have going for me in my life right now. I don’t want to jeopardize anything.”

“Danny.” Brian’s hand settled on his shoulder. “Where is this coming from?”

Dan couldn’t answer. He didn’t know. He snuggled closer to Brian and ducked his head.

Brian stroked his hair. “Everything changes, Danny. You can’t stop that. You’re not going to ruin anything. We’ll still spend time together, and how we interact in the grump space isn’t going to change. We love you.”

“What if it _does_?” Dan hadn’t realized how deeply this was bothering him. “Everyone has been so nice to me, putting their whole lives on hold just so I can get better. Everyone’s been trying to make plans with me, and here I am going home with Arin. Again. Ross wanted to visit later today and I said I’d rather wait until tomorrow. He saved my _life_ and I still chose Arin over him.”

“Ross understands that you want to go home and rest. It’s not like you’re blowing him off to go throw a party. Arin is there because he takes care of you - it’s been like that for weeks.”

“Ross took care of me just as well.” 

“You’ve always been the most comfortable around Arin. It’s nothing new.” Brian brushed Dan’s hair away from his eyes. “We’re _happy_ for you guys, remember?”

“I remember. And your support means so much to me. I just can’t help but wonder if I’m making a big mistake.”

“Does it feel like a mistake?” Brian sounded genuinely curious.

“Brian, I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. I suck at commitment. I’ve fucked up so many of my chances in the past. Relationships are _complicated_ and I don’t know how to be in one. I’ve never learned.” He hesitated. “It doesn’t help that the last time I made a move, he ran.”

“I can see why you’d have some trust issues after that,” Brian agreed. “Are you still upset with him?”

“Maybe a little bit, but I said I forgave him, and I do.” Arin’s remorse had been obviously sincere. He’d sat with Dan for hours in the hospital, telling jokes and showing him funny videos to make him laugh even as the nurses poked him with needles and did things to his chest wound that made him want to scream. Arin had let him squeeze his hand when the pain grew too intense to handle, and didn’t complain when Dan nearly broke his fingers. “I know why he did it. And I know he won’t do it again. It’s just that every time I‘ve felt this happy with someone, it blows up in my face. I’m waiting for it to happen again. I can’t lose him. I can’t fuck this up and lose him. I love him.”

Brian’s eyes softened. “I’ve known you for a long time, Danny, and I’ve never seen you glow the way you do when you’re with him. You guys have something special. You’re perfect for each other.”

“What, like some soul mate thing?”

“I don’t believe in soul mates,” Brian said flatly. “I believe in trust and compassion and hard work and a bond based on a strong friendship. And I believe that you and Arin both have what it takes to maintain that. I think he’ll be good for you, and you’ll be good for him, and if anything changes, it will be for the better.”

“But _what if_?” Dan dreaded saying it out loud. “What if things fall through? What if I lose him or push him away? What if…”

“Then you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it,” Brian was firm. “And we’ll all still love you and support you no matter what. There’s no point in worrying about something before it happens.”

“I don’t know if I could handle it.”

“If you can survive nearly dying twice in the span of two months, you can do fucking _anything,_ okay? You’ve refused to give up, and you’ve managed to stay positive. You think just anyone could do that?”

“I had a lot of help.”

Brian waved that off. “You’ve worked hard. Don’t be humble. Be proud of yourself. I’m proud of you.”

Dan was touched. “Thanks, Brian,” he said gratefully. “And thanks for listening, too. I know I’m probably over-thinking shit. You know me.”

“Anytime.” Brian smoothed Dan’s hair. “You can always give me a call if you need to talk. I think you’ve just been cooped up and bedridden for too long. Once you’re home, I’m sure you’ll feel ten times better.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Just take things slow, enjoy yourselves, get some rest. And now I feel obligated to remind you that you’re not supposed to be engaging in any strenuous exercise, so, uh, don’t enjoy yourselves _too_ much.”

“ _Brian!_ ” 

“I’m not saying you can’t do anything. Just suggesting caution. And I’m not talking about condoms, although now that I’ve mentioned it, condoms are very handy. You should make use of them. Speaking of _handy’s_ \- ”

“I’m going to murder you.”

“That would likely fall into the category of what the doctors call ‘excessive physical strain.’”

“Your face is giving me excessive physical strain.”

“Now that didn’t even make sense.”

“Neither does your face.”

It was silly, but it made Brian laugh all the same. “I’m just looking out for you, Danny,” he teased. “What else are friends for?”

By the time Arin’s car pulled up to the curb, Dan’s fears had fled and his face ached from smiling. Dan thought of all the things he could do again now that he was going home, all the things that he could do with Arin that he couldn’t in the confines of a tiny hospital bed in a semi-private room where a nurse could walk in at any given moment. 

Arin got out of the car, the sunlight gleaming off his hair as he shook it out of his face. Their eyes met and held. Arin’s were full of wonder. _He looks at me like he can’t believe I’m real._ Dan had been cold, but now he felt hot all over. 

_I’ve never seen you glow the way you do when you’re with him…You guys have something special._

He didn’t even need Brian’s help to stand up from the bench. He hugged Arin gently. “Missed you,” he said, though it had only been a few hours since they’d last seen each other.

“Missed you too. C’mon, baby,” Arin said as he opened the passenger door for him. He had brought a pillow for Dan’s back, and the stuffed stegosaurus. That made Dan want to laugh, but he thought it was a sweet gesture all the same. “Let’s go home.”

 _Home. I’m going home. With Arin._ Dan’s heart soared. He couldn’t wait. The inside of Arin’s car smelled like the empty side of Dan’s bed after Arin got up first to make them breakfast. 

“Alright, lovebirds.” Brian sat himself in the back. “Think you can keep your hands on the wheel and your eyes on the road, Arin? Or do I have to drive?”

Dan threw the stegosaurus at him, but he was smiling.

**

He had told Brian that he wasn’t tired, but as soon as he got home, Dan’s eyelids suddenly felt weighted. He’d been talking animatedly during the ride, but coming home was instantly relaxing. Like sinking into a hot bath. 

Dan felt like a rag doll as Arin took off Dan’s coat and shoes, a ritual that was second nature to them both. “Don’t let me sleep,” he told Arin. “I don’t wanna ruin your dinner plans.”

“It’s gonna take a while to cook anyway,” Arin assured him, supporting Dan’s back with a thick arm and leading him to the living room. “And it can always be reheated.” 

Dan was touched to see that he’d brought down a pillow and the coverlet from his bed. On the coffee table was a box of Ritz crackers and a bottle of water. “You made me a nest,” he said, wobbling a little on his feet. 

“The wild Danny tires quickly and requires protection from the elements,” Arin said grandly in a half-decent impression of David Attenborough. “His mate builds the nest to, uh...show off his manly skills.”

“I appreciate your manly skills, Arin.” Dan thought of Arin strutting around wide-eyed, hopping from foot to foot in some sort of weird mating dance with a stick in his mouth, and it made him laugh. 

“Birds are good,” he mumbled as his eyes drifted closed. It was lucky Arin’s arms were there to catch him; he’d forgotten he was still standing up.

Arin chuckled. “They sure are. And you need a nap, baby.” He kissed Dan’s temple and helped him get lay down, then tucked the coverlet up to his chin.

Dan yawned. “I think, probably, I’ll just close my eyes for a few minutes…”

Arin just smiled indulgently. “Whatever you say.”

**

By the time Dan woke up, the sun was touching the horizon and the house was full of a delicious aroma. He was warm and comfortable. Arin must have turned up the heat for him. The temperature felt near-tropical. Dan stretched his legs out and sighed deeply, just enjoying the comfort of his own home.

His feet had kicked themselves out of the coverlet. Arin must have come in at some point to put socks on him. They were hand-knitted in a pattern of red and blue stripes, and Dan recognized them as one of the countless gifts that had been sent to their PO box. Dan looked at them and wiggled his toes, a smile forming on his lips at the memory of how much love and kindness had been sent his way from fans. 

Arin and Barry had sorted all the gifts and brought them to his house after showing them to him while he was bedridden in the hospital. There were piles of cards, handmade goods like poured candles in the Starbomb colours and countless paintings, drawings and other art, and dinosaur and unicorn-themed _everything_. On one bored day in the hospital he’d decided to post an update pic to his Instagram of himself lying in bed surrounded with presents and sporting a sheepish grin, giving a thumbs-up. He’d added a condensed version of what had happened since the gunshot. When he’d looked at his account on the drive home, he was shocked to see that he’d gotten nearly ten thousand messages and two _hundred_ thousand likes. The outpouring of love from all around the world was incredible.

Maybe that was why Dan could think about the man who had shot him and feel no fear. He was reminded every day of the goodness and generosity of humankind, and he was deeply thankful.

He slowly wriggled himself onto his side and looked in the direction of the kitchen. Arin was walking around in a tank top and underwear, his hair gathered in a ponytail to get it off his neck. His boxers clung to the curves of his ass. That sight was enough to motivate Dan to struggle to his feet. He kept the coverlet wrapped around him with just his face poking out and shuffled over to the doorway.

“Morning, sleepy sheepy.” Arin covered the pot he’d been stirring and turned the gas flame down.

“I’m _cold_ ,” Dan defended himself when Arin turned around and smiled at the sight of him.

“It’s like, ninety-five degrees in here.”

“M’ still cold.”

“You need to fatten up. Eat food that doesn’t come on a little plastic tray. I’m sure you’re sick to death of corn, mashed potatoes, and Ensure shakes.” Arin came over and kissed his forehead. “Dinner will be done in about half an hour. This thing takes a long time to bake. Were you okay standing up by yourself? I can help you lay back down.”

“I think I’ve had enough of my nest for now. And yeah, hospital food sucks. What’s with their obsession with Jell-O for dessert?”

“It didn’t even come with Cool Whip. What’s the point of Jell-O without Cool Whip?” Arin agreed.

“Hey, what are you cooking?” Dan realized that he smelled something oddly familiar, something that reminded him of his family in New Jersey. He craned his neck to see, but the light inside the oven was off. 

“Just the same old stuff, you know,” Arin said in the worst imitation of a casual tone that Dan had ever heard.

Dan knew better. “Are you making me Jewish comfort food?” he asked, incredulous. “Is that what I smell?”

Arin scratched his head. “Uh, it probably isn’t perfect? If you don’t like it we can order something in. I just remembered that thing your mom made that tasted like a giant baked tater tot, and I thought, hey, that might not be too hard…”

“You made me potato kugel?” Dan blinked. “How?” He wondered if he was still asleep and dreaming. The Arin he knew barely knew how to cook anything besides the most basic meals. He had to see this for himself. The blanket he shrugged off as he went to the oven to peer inside. When he opened the door, the blast of heat and the smell of the cooking potatoes and eggs was overwhelming. “It looks exactly the same as the stuff we used to have back home when we had family over.”

Arin looked embarrassed. “It’s supposed to be. Your mom sent me the recipe this morning when I called to ask her how it was made. Suzy’s been helping me improve my cooking skills, and I watched a couple tutorials. I wanted to do something nice for you.”

The pot simmering on the stove caught his attention. Dan tilted the lid to look inside, where another surprise awaited him. “You made matzo soup from scratch?”

“Well, I bought the matzo ball mix premade…and I think I made them too big, they’re like the size of fucking baseballs, but everything else…yeah. I was hoping you’d sleep right up until it was done so I could surprise you.” 

Dan was speechless. Slowly, he replaced the lid and turned around to look at Arin. He was red-faced and sweaty, with carrot juice splashed on the front of his grey shirt. Little pieces of hair were falling out from his ponytail and sticking to his face. He was absolutely beautiful. Dan took a breath and felt it catch in his throat. 

Arin shuffled his weight to his other foot nervously. “Does everything look okay? If it sucks, I’m sorry, I’m not a very good - ”

Dan surged forward and kissed him, cutting off whatever negative thing he was about to say. He forgot that he hadn’t brushed his teeth in ages, that his hair was greasy and dull, that he was unshowered and probably smelled like crap. He wrapped his arms around Arin’s broad back and felt his fears melting away. Arin’s hands slid into Dan’s hair, and when his lips yielded to the pressure of Dan’s tongue, Dan tasted everything he ever wanted, everything he’d ever dreamed of, everything he had ever lacked in his past relationships. Dan sucked Arin’s bottom lip into his mouth and felt his moan thrum through his body like music. 

When they parted, panting for breath, Arin looked half-drunk. He licked his reddened lips and said, “Shit, I would have learned how to cook a long time ago if I knew it would make you do _that_.”

“It’s not the _food_ , dingus. It’s _you_.” Dan tugged at Arin’s hips to press their lower bodies together. “This is one of the sweetest things anybody’s ever done for me.”

“Y-yeah?” Arin’s eyes were half-lidded with pleasure as Dan slid his hands from Arin’s back down to his round ass. The way he responded to even the lightest touch there made Dan’s heart beat faster. He gave a squeeze and heard a satisfying groan in response.

“You like that?” Dan moved his hands closer to Arin’s cleft teasingly. Arin jerked and let out a whine, and Dan silenced him with another kiss.

“Danny, fuck,” Arin lifted his chin, stretching out the line of his neck, which was an invitation Dan couldn’t ignore. He groaned as Dan’s teeth scraped his throat. “I’ll forget about the kugel...”

“You said we had half an hour.” Dan traced his tongue up to Arin’s ear. “We could make good use of that time.”

“We could,” Arin agreed, “but then we’d have to rush, and I’d be distracted.” His hands settled on Dan’s hips and he leaned in close enough for their noses to touch as he breathed, “And I want to take my sweet time with you.”

Dan felt all the hair on his arms stand on end at the roughness of Arin’s voice. He shivered pleasantly. “That sounds fun. Maybe I can wait.” The memory of their last encounter swam to the front of his mind. They had moved so quickly - _too_ quickly, Dan thought, even if they had stopped to discuss the situation before moving on. _I was scared. I wanted him and I didn’t know how to express it._ Normally Dan preferred a long slow burn over a quick explosion.

“We could take a shower together after I clean up from dinner,” Arin suggested

“Do I stink that bad?” Dan put on a wounded look and sat back down in his chair. 

Arin made a face. “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s spring in California and I have the heat blasting, plus I’ve been stirring boiling soup for the last twenty minutes. I could use a rinse.”

“Fair enough,” Dan said, leaning back in his chair, “but there’s no need to get fancy. I’ve come to terms with you being a sweaty swamp monster.”

Arin picked up the wooden spoon and waved it at him, mock threatening. “Swamp monster? Watch it, or you won’t get dessert.”

“Or what, you’re gonna put me over your knee?” Dan asked innocently, feeling devilish. He grinned in triumph at the way Arin’s mouth fell open.

“If I burn myself on the stove because those mental images are distracting me…”

“…then you’ll spank me?” 

Arin spluttered, red-faced and Dan laughed. 

“Want me to help you lay down again?” Arin asked after the laughter died down. 

Dan shrugged. “I’m fine here.” He had a good view. He looked at Arin’s bare legs and a thrill zinged down his spine. 

He waited patiently, watching Arin stir the soup and check on the kugel, lulled into reflection by the companionable silence. This flirtatious banter came so easily to them, though it was very different from the jokes they would have made before all of this had happened. As Brian agreed, things were different now, but it didn’t change the fact that Arin was still his best friend first and foremost. It never would. 

Maybe he could have it all. Maybe Arin was the one he’d been waiting for, the one he’d been searching for in vain in his past flings. And maybe Arin was the reason why he had stopped looking for women a long time ago. _Some part of me knew, years ago, that I’d never find someone more special to me than him._

Arin lit two candles and set a plate and bowl in front of Dan before using the dimmer to turn the lights down to a soft glow. He took the seat across from Dan and nudged his bare foot against Dan’s socked one. 

The food was delicious from the first bite to the last, though what he would remember most from this day years later was the way the candlelight danced in Arin’s eyes and how the shadows pooled beneath his lip, the anticipation curling in his stomach.

Dan touched the edge of the bandage covering his chest, remembering. Miracles did happen. It was a miracle that he was even alive. To have even just this one night with Arin was more than he would have gotten if he hadn’t made it through the gunshot or the infection. And if there was an afterlife, something that lay beyond that terrible and beautiful shimmering black curtain of his dreams, Dan knew that he would’ve forever regretted not realizing what he could have had with Arin, who had been the right one for him all along.

And so, when dinner was over and Arin had rinsed the dishes and bent down to stack them in the washer, Dan stood up from his chair slowly and curved his hands around the swell of Arin’s hips, pressing his hips to the plush ass. He could see Arin’s back rise with a gasp.

“That was fucking delicious,” Dan told him in a voice so low it was practically a purr. 

“Yeah?” Arin’s voice cracked. 

“And so is this.” Dan squeezed his ass. “Is this my dessert?”

Arin straightened up and turned to kiss Dan. “Smooth talker,” he teased, reaching for more dishes. “Wait until I clean up, okay?“

Dan reached out and grabbed his arm. “Fuck the dishes,” he said bluntly. “Leave them.”

“They’ll get all crusty if they don’t soak,” Arin protested, but weakly.

“I don’t care.” Dan pulled at his arm. “You’re coming with me.”

Arin moved as if in a trance, following Dan as he turned and headed for the stairs. “Bedroom?” he asked weakly.

“Shower.” At the top of the stairs, Dan stood in the doorway of the bathroom, making eye contact with Arin as he popped the first button on his shirt and said, cocking his hip, “Could you help me get this off?”

“Fuck.” Arin’s hands shook as they fumbled with the tiny buttons. When the shirt fell to the floor, he touched the waistband of Dan’s jeans hesitantly, looking into Dan’s eyes for confirmation.

Dan nodded. 

He closed his eyes when he heard the clink of his belt and felt the light pressure of the waistband release as the button and zipper were undone. The air was cold, but Arin’s touch was so warm.

“Underwear too?” Arin asked when Dan’s pants were puddled around his ankles.

“You want us to shower with our underwear on still?” Dan teased.

“I just want to be sure. I want _you_ to be sure. Fuck, Dan, this is a big deal, and don’t you dare feel obligated to do this because I made you dinner - ”

Dan snorted to show what he thought of that. “How many times do I need to tell you how much I want this?”

“Okay. Okay, shit.” Arin hooked his fingers beneath the waistband of the jeans and underwear at once and began to slowly pull them down Dan’s thighs. “Fucking - look at you, Danny, you’re so _beautiful_.”

Dan groaned as his confined cock sprang forth from his boxers, half-hard already. Under the intensity of Arin’s gaze, it was stiffening fast. He stepped out of his jeans and looked down at his bandaged chest, the puckered star-shaped scar from the chest tube, his nearly concave stomach and skinny grasshopper legs. He didn’t think that he looked particularly appealing, but Arin couldn’t seem to get enough. 

As if sensing Dan’s doubt, Arin kissed him again, sweet but demanding. His mouth slid wetly from Dan’s lips down his chin and his neck, to the uninjured side of his chest, lingering at his nipple. “Every fucking inch of you,” Arin promised, kissing the tiny scar at the side of his ribs, “is absolutely perfect.” When he knelt to continue his trail of kisses down Dan’s stomach, his silky hair was long enough for the ends to brush lightly against Dan’s cock.

“Arin,” he whined, supporting himself against the wall. “God, _Arin._ ”

Arin kissed the jut of Dan’s sharp hipbones, sucking a faint red mark on each side. His hands explored up and down Dan’s legs but purposefully avoided what was standing at full attention between them. Dan was so hard it hurt. Arin looked up with a smirk on his lips. He knew exactly what he was doing to Dan, and he was loving the torture he was inflicting.

“Please,” Dan bit out.

“Please what?” Arin’s tongue wet his lower lip and Dan’s cock jerked at the sight.

“You’re driving me insane and we haven’t even made it into the fucking shower,” he said weakly.

“I told you I was going to take my sweet time with you.” Arin’s tongue flicked into his navel.

“If you don’t stop being so hot, I’m going to explode all over your face.” Dan’s brain was short-circuiting.

“That’s a bad thing?” 

“ _Arin…_ ”

“Danny,” Arin said back, imitating Dan’s tone perfectly. 

Dan groaned. “Get your fucking clothes off already.”

Arin scrambled to his feet, still grinning, but now Dan could see the shyness in his face as well. He raised his arms over his head and pulled off the old grey tank top and all the air left Dan’s lungs. Everything about Arin’s body begged to be fondled and squeezed and kissed. His skin was pale as cream, his belly so round and soft, the curves of his chest and their peaked rosy nipples just asking to be sucked on. Dan stared at them openly until Arin’s boxers hit the floor, and then all of his attention focused on Arin’s dick, which was just as hard as his own. 

“God,” Dan exhaled.

For the first time, Arin seemed to grow nervous. “Am I - is this - ” He shifted his weight and sucked in his gut, his arms crossing over his chest as his cheeks coloured. 

“Don’t,” Dan inhaled sharply. The last time they’d done something like this, it had been dark. In the stark light of the bathroom, he could take in every detail. Was this really the same person that he had been looking at for years, the same chest and stomach he’d seen a hundred times when Arin had changed in front of him or when they’d swam together in Ross and Holly’s pool? _How did I not notice how gorgeous he was?_

Arin uncrossed his arms slowly. Dan ran his hands from Arin’s shoulders to his hips. He trailed a single finger down from his belly button, through the coarse curls, and up the length of Arin’s cock to make it twitch. 

Dan breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to calm himself. “You’re…you look incredible, Arin.”

“I do?”

“Of course you do. You’re fucking perfect, and I want you. All of you.”

They moved to embrace at the same time, and Dan gasped. The heat of Arin’s manhood against his own was shocking, and the velvety slide as it skidded across his hip made him tremble. Arin rocked his hips, moaning softly into Dan’s ear, and soon Dan was moving with him in a slow rhythm.

“Do we have to shower?” Dan choked out, grinding himself into Arin’s soft belly. “Can’t we just - ”

“I want to see you wet,” Arin growled in his ear, and Dan’s legs went weak.

“Fuck, fuck, okay. None of your healthy cold shower bullshit,” he added as he stepped into the bathtub.

“Cold showers are good for you,” Arin opined as he followed Dan into the shower, but he turned the water on hot. Dan groaned and tilted his head back. When he opened his eyes, he groaned again at the sight of Arin, his hair slicked back, water splashing off his skin and dripping from his manhood. Dan bent his head to lick a droplet that was beading on his nipple and felt the little bud tighten at the attention. 

They embraced beneath the spray, trading kisses, their hands exploring each other’s bodies eagerly. “I thought we were supposed to be getting clean,” Dan said even as he mouthed at Arin’s throat.

Arin groaned and fumbled for the shower gel. “We are.” With his palms full of soap, he began to lather up Dan’s back, the glide of the gel acting almost like massage oil.

“Fuck,” Dan moaned, and grabbed the bottle to return the favour. 

They kept the touches above the waist for a time. Dan was the first to grow bolder. He added another small mountain of shower gel to his palm and wrapped it firmly around Arin’s cock with a wicked grin.

“Good fucking God, Danny,” Arin rumbled, arching into his touch.

“Fuck,” Dan agreed. It was so easy for his hand to glide up and down, aided by the slick of soap and water. It was a million times more intimate like this than it had been on the couch in the dark. They were hot and wet and blissfully naked, the sounds of Arin’s moans bouncing loudly off the shower tiles. Dan loved the weight of Arin’s dick, the way it fit so nicely in his hand, so familiar and so alien at the same time. 

Arin one-upped him by taking him in hand, as Dan had done, while the other reached around to massage his ass. Dan’s teeth sank into Arin’s shoulder as the hand explored him intimately, touching him boldly in places no one else had ever touched, pressing lightly on the sensitive place just behind his balls. His grip on Arin tightened, and their moans filled the room. They started slow, but soon enough Dan was practically fucking Arin’s fist, his rough low noises turning into little cries.

“Fuck,” Arin grumbled, suddenly letting go. Dan whined at the loss. “It’s a fucking sardine can in here, baby.”

“Mmm. It’s pretty restricting.”

“There are so many things I want to do to you, and I can’t. Not here. Lets move this party to the bedroom.”

“What do you wanna do to me?”

Arin’s hand slid down the cleft of his ass again, his eyes hungry, and Dan thought, with a flicker of panic, _I don’t know how_ and then _Fuck, I want to, I want him to do that to me_ , and the speed at which he moved from apprehension to acceptance to blind lust was a little startling to say the least.

“You want to fuck me?” Dan could barely get the question out. He’d never so much as fingered himself before, but he knew Arin had at least some experience. Dan trusted him to make it good.

Arin’s eyes darkened with lust at Dan’s words, but he shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. “Not tonight. I’d love to. I’ve thought about it before, but I…I think it would be safer to wait until you’re feeling better, and maybe we can work up to it after a while.”

“Oh,” Dan nodded. That did make sense. He didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed. He was a little doubtful that Arin’s girthy cock could ever fit in him.

“But if you’re okay with me touching you like that, there is one thing I know I’m really fucking good at.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhm. Let me show you.”

Dan didn’t remember turning the water off. Arin pressed against him, keeping him upright, taking such care to avoid his wound and to not move him too fast. Arin squeezed the water from their hair and patted them down with a towel. Dan stumbled into his bedroom, every nerve on fire, every fibre of his body singing with anticipation as Arin turned on the lamp and laid him down on his back, his needy prick standing straight up.

“Comfortable?” Arin asked. Dan nodded. 

“Good,” Arin said with satisfaction, and before Dan could form words, Arin planted his hands on either side of his hips and wrapped his mouth around the head of Dan’s cock.

“Fuck,” Dan cried, grabbing for the back of Arin’s head blindly. His fingers tangled in Arin’s damp hair, accidentally pulling harder than he’d intended. Arin’s lips tightened as he moaned. What he lacked in skill, he made up for in enthusiasm, his mouth so hot and soft as he bobbed his head up and down eagerly. He wrapped his hand around what he couldn’t fit in his mouth and found a steady rhythm.

“More,” Dan pleaded, hips twisting. “Faster, please, come on, Arin.”

Arin pulled off with a wet pop, smacking his lips obscenely. His mouth was wet and red. “Not yet.”

Dan struggled to control his breathing. “I can do you,” he gasped. “Let me try, I want to try that. I want to make you feel good.”

“Tonight is about you, Danny.” Arin blew cool air over his cock and Dan whimpered. 

“Then get that hot mouth of yours back on my dick.”

“Nuh-uh. You were enjoying that too much. I don’t want the fun to be over so fast.”

“Please.” Dan didn’t care if he had to beg. “Please, Arin, please.”

“As good as you sound, begging for it like that, I really want to try something else.” 

“Anything,” Dan said immediately. Arin was fucking talented in bed, and he knew he’d enjoy whatever the man had to offer. “Just touch me, Arin.”

Arin hesitated for the first time and looked Dan in the eyes. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’m gonna - can you bend your knees?”

Dan obeyed. Arin slid a hand under his butt to lift it off the bed, and then shoved one of the thinner pillows under his hips. It was an extremely revealing and vulnerable position, all spread out for Arin to see. If his brains hadn’t already been sucked out through his dick, he’d know what Arin wanted to do, but as it was, all he knew was that Arin was going to make this good, and he was one hundred percent on board. He spread his thighs wide and Arin planted his hands on them to keep them that way.

“Still good?” Arin asked, hands trembling on Dan’s thighs. “You’re alright with this?”

Dan nodded, but this time it wasn’t good enough for Arin. 

“I want to hear you say yes,” he said.

Dan closed his eyes. “Yes,” he said without hesitation. 

Arin pushed his thighs open further and said, “If you don’t like it, or if you want me to stop, just - say something, okay?”

“What,” Dan began, eyes flying open as Arin laid down fully, burying his face between his thighs, and then he gasped, “Ohmyfuckinggod,” when Arin’s fucking _tongue_ pressed against his hole, wide and warm and so fucking good that it made him want to scream. “Oh, fucking _jesus_ , fuck, Arin, your fucking mouth, what the fuck.”

Arin’s laugh puffed hot air across the sensitive spit-wet skin, and it was one of the strangest things Dan had ever felt. “Yeah, I thought this was your first time. Feels amazing, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t _stop_ , don’t talk, just do that again, you fucking _tease_ \- oh, oh god, fuck yeah, like that. Fucking - just like that, don’t stop.”

One of Arin’s hands moved clumsily from his thigh to his dick, stroking it as best as he could from the odd angle as he continued to eat Dan’s ass like it was the only thing in the world that mattered. Dan had to hold fistfuls of the sheets to restrain himself from bucking right off the bed. 

“I’m going to come, oh, God,” Dan gasped.

Arin fucking stopped again to say, “Really? I was gonna blow you again, but - fuck yeah, I want to see you fall apart just from my tongue in your ass.”

Dan was losing the ability to speak. He reached down and yanked at Arin’s hair, pulling his face against him. He felt the control changing hands, and suddenly it was Arin’s turn to moan helplessly as Dan took the reins. He turned Arin’s head from side to side, shaking him to feel his tongue move rapidly back and forth over his hole. Arin knew what Dan wanted, and he kept his tongue out and just let Dan use him how he wanted. 

Dan pulled upward, bringing Arin’s mouth to his balls instead. Arin moved so willingly, his tongue flicking hard and fast wherever Dan wanted him to lick. His completely subservience made Dan’s toes curl and his head spin. The best part about it all was Arin’s obvious pleasure. Dan could see Arin’s ass tensing and relaxing as he struggled to rub himself up against the bed.

“Jesus, Arin, this is fucking hot,” he gasped. “So hot that you love doing this so much.” He lifted Arin’s head up for a moment to let them both catch their breath. When he looked down between his legs, Arin looking absolutely _wrecked_ , his chin and beard soaked with saliva and his mouth hanging slack. Dan knew at once that he wouldn’t last much longer. 

Dan closed his eyes and pulled Arin back against him. He let go of Arin’s hair to stroke himself, his hand a blur on his aching prick. His balls tightened and fire curled deep in his groin as he neared his peak. Sweat flowed freely from his face and pooled beneath his neck, and he could feel a wet spot under his ass from Arin’s saliva dripping down his crack. God, Arin was messy, and Dan fucking loved it.

Arin was practically humping the bed now, making desperate little _mmh, mmh_ noises against Dan’s asshole. He stiffened his tongue into a point, pushing it hard against the rim of Dan’s opening. Dan was too tight and slippery with spit to let him in but the gentle pressure was driving him out of his mind.

“Arin, fuck, Arin,” he panted, writhing. “ _Arin_ , I’m close. I’m almost there.”

Dan whimpered as Arin pulled away, but the other man moved quickly. He got his knees and elbows under him, flipped his hair out of his face, and wet two fingers in his mouth. He pressed the pads of them lightly against Dan’s ass and rubbed the entrance in little circles as his tongue had done, while his other hand grabbed the base of Dan’s cock. Dan let go and grabbed two fistfuls of the sheets as Arin took a quick shuddering breath and slid his mouth down as far as he could.

The combined sensations were too much to handle. Dan rocked down on Arin’s fingers, then thrust up into Arin’s mouth. He did it again, and again, crying Arin’s name each time. Stars burst behind his eyelids, his heart beat faster, and he could have sworn that fucking angels were singing a heavenly choir in his ear as he shouted Arin’s name one last time in a desperate warning before the wave crested and his climax slammed into him.

Arin’s fingers stilled and his mouth worked gently to milk every last drop, swallowing everything. Dan felt himself pulsing down the man’s throat. When he was done, his muscles relaxed and he sagged back into the mattress. Arin pulled away, kissed the softening tip of Dan’s cock, and began stroking himself in earnest.

“No,” Dan bit out. Arin went rigid at the word, and Dan hurriedly amended, “Let me do it. Let me make you come.”

“You don’t have to…”

“No, but I want to.”

“I’m already - fuck,” Arin huffed, his face contorting. “I’m already close, and we’d have to find a position where you’re comfortable and I can’t fucking think right now…”

“God, just - get up here,” Dan groaned.

“Up where?” Arin was lost, but he shuffled upward, being incredibly mindful not to touch Dan’s chest. He got the picture when Dan had him plant his knees on either side of his head. “Jesus tittyfucking Christ,” Arin gasped, straightening his back and grabbing the headboard. The wet tip of his manhood bumped up against Dan’s lips, and Dan opened up to accept it.

It wasn’t as new or foreign as Dan might have thought. Arin tasted like skin and soap, a little musky and salty from the pre-come, not bad at all. The velvety glide as is slid in and out of his lips and the restrictive weight pressing down on his tongue made Dan moan. He was wonderfully trapped, surrounded by Arin’s thick thighs, and if he hadn’t just come, this probably would have been enough to get him over the edge. _I like this,_ he thought with some amazement. _I fucking love this._

Arin was hard as a rock, and from the way his hips were twitching and the sounds coming out of him, he wasn’t going to last. He was holding back, treating Dan gently, only letting him suck the head, but Dan loved it anyway. He flicked his tongue over the slit, underneath the head, and hollowed his cheeks as he worked his lips and tongue as best as he could. He tried memorizing what made Arin gasp and what made him cry out, but he was so overwhelmed that he couldn’t bother to care about technique.

Arin’s thighs tensed. “Danny, I, I - oh, god, baby, that’s good - where do you want me to finish?”

Dan moaned, sucked harder and lifted a hand to Arin’s ass to anchor him in place. The answer was clear enough.

“Fuck, Danny.” Arin gasped and thrust into Dan’s mouth, his stiff prick swelling even further. Dan’s lips were stretched wide around its girth. “Here it comes - ”

Dan felt the warm, bitter liquid fill the back of his mouth. His eyes widened as he realized he could feel the way Arin’s shaft pulsed with each spurt. _Fuck, that feels weird but so good._ He swallowed it all without hesitation as Arin had, appreciating the intimacy of the taste of Arin’s pleasure. Dan had been apprehensive when he’d thought of this act before, fearing that it would taste gross, but now he felt nothing but satisfaction. 

Arin pulled out and dismounted slowly, his shaking arms rattling the headboard. Dan panted for air and licked his lips.

“Was that okay?” Arin asked him anxiously. “I didn’t hurt you at all?”

Dan huffed a laugh. “I’m fine. But I should be asking you the same thing. I hope I didn’t rip out any of your hair.”

Arin grinned and touched the back of his head. “It’s a little sore. But fuck, I loved it. You tasted so good.”

“Yeah?” Dan was pleased. He flushed to remember what it looked like to have Arin’s face buried in his ass. “So did you. I’d…I’d like to try what you did to me sometime.”

“Next time,” Arin promised. “Fuck yeah, next time. You can do whatever you want to me.”

“Bold words,” Dan told him, with a sly grin. Arin groaned and kissed him firmly.

“We should probably clean up a bit,” he said when they parted.

“I don’t wanna move,” Dan complained, but he let Arin help him to his feet. Then he made a face. “Oh, God, never mind, I’m covered in your spit.”

“Didn’t hear you complaining about it at the time,” Arin said cheerfully.

Dan felt much better after another quick rinse and a swish of mouthwash. He combed his hair in the mirror, looking at his post-orgasmic face and sparkling eyes. Everything felt so normal, so domestic, like they’d been together like this for years. _You were made for each other,_ Brian had said, and fuck if he wasn’t almost always right. The change he had feared didn’t seem likely to be a problem at all.

“Now I feel like we’re a real couple,” Dan laughed when he heard Arin peeing into the toilet behind him. “Are we at this point in our relationship already?”

“If you can handle kissing me after my tongue was in your ass, I feel pretty comfortable pissing in front of you.”

“I thought you were a shy pee-er.”

“The usual rules don’t apply to you, baby.” Arin snapped a towel against Dan’s ass. “Let’s go back to bed.”

“What time is it?” Dan asking, following Arin. 

“A little early for sleeping,” Arin admitted, “but I don’t think I could keep my eyes open for very long. You want me to put on a movie or something? I will, if you’d rather get dressed and go downstairs.”

“I’d rather stay here and lay next to you.”

“Cheeseball.”

“You love it.” Dan laid down on his back carefully. The sheets were still warm and damp with their sweat, but he didn’t care. “You’re my snuggle man, remember?”

Arin crawled in next to him and tugged the blanket back over them both. They laid in peaceful silence for a minute before he asked quietly, “What we did…all of that…was it…?” Arin waved a hand feebly.

“Was there a sentence in there?” Dan needled him.

“Can’t help it if you leave me speechless, baby.”

“Now who’s the cheeseball?” Dan smiled. “I _loved_ it. All of it. I can’t wait to do it again. I can’t wait to do more.” He kissed Arin’s nose. “I love _you_.”

Arin reached up to turn off the bedside lamp. “I love you too, Leigh,” Arin whispered as he nestled back against Dan’s side and slid an arm over his stomach. “Love you so much.”

Clumsy in the dark, Dan’s lips bumped against Arin’s cheek before they found his mouth. The kiss was simple and sweet, almost chaste.

There were still things they needed to talk about, issues to be worked through. The details of this polyamorous arrangement. Telling Arin’s family. Facing Dan’s fear of abandonment, and Arin’s trauma from the horror of witnessing the Jersey incident first-hand. Sooner or later Dan knew he would want to talk to a professional therapist, too. But all that could wait. 

For now it was enough to lay beside Arin in bed, exploring the curves of his body with his hands while Arin did the same for him, just soaking in each other’s presence and love until Arin’s soft snores filled his ear. In this moment, he was happy. Happier than he had ever been.

Dan linked their hands and closed his eyes. They would heal together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the huge break between chapters! Life has been busy :) Thank you all so much for the comments, kudos, Tumblr notes, and kind messages! <3


	14. xiv.

Dan spent the following two weeks patching his life back together again, piece by piece, slowly figuring out where to go from here and how to get back to something called _normal._ It had been one hell of a journey, and Dan was determined to see it through to the end. 

The scar on his chest would stay with him for life. It was numb to the touch, the bullet mark still visible in the centre of the two-and-a-half inch surgical scar the doctors had made. When he put his hand over it and felt his heart beating strong beneath his palm, he remembered to make every moment in his life count. 

As Brian had told him, change was always inevitable. Dan would never be the same person he was before that fateful day in New Jersey. But that didn’t scare him anymore, because he had decided that he would make the most of life and whatever surprises it had in store. 

Dan had a new appreciation for things he used to take for granted. Being able to get out of bed in the morning and dress himself. Going a full day without a nap, and getting his own chores done. Climbing into his Nissan and driving himself wherever he wanted to go. Taking a walk around the block after his morning coffee. Things that used to be tedious were now magical. And Dan remembered to be thankful for all of it.

He called his parents almost every day. He Skype’d with Dana and his nephews. He messaged friends from NYC that he hadn’t talked to in several years, re-connected with an old roommate and made plans to meet up in the summer. Though he still spent a lot of time with Arin, he was making time for the others, too. He spent a day with Brian, a day with Barry, a whole weekend with Ross and Holly, dinner with Vernon and Jack. Dan was determined to show his friends and family how much he loved and appreciated them, because nobody could ever know when they would be saying it for the last time. He was also slowly learning how this relationship was going to work, how to not feel jealous of Arin’s divided attention. 

Things would always change, and Dan would always have to adapt. That was life. And life was a goddamn gift.

Now, Dan was sitting on his couch with a mug of green tea, the TV muted so he could concentrate. His fingers were drumming a faint rhythm on his thigh as he sorted through his entire Gmail inbox and updated his Instagram with pictures of himself wearing the various gifts the lovelies had sent him. Arin kept texting him pictures from the aquarium, where he had taken Suzy for the afternoon. Some were sweet, and some were hilarious. One was a close-up of Arin’s face, with his lips pursed as if for a kiss, his face almost touching the glass wall of an aquarium tank where a huge, startled-looking fish with its mouth gaping open stared at Arin with what appeared to be shock and awe. Dan laughed until his face hurt. From time to time Dan would close his eyes, lean back, and drift off into a pleasant daydream where he thought of all the things he would do with Arin the next time they spent an evening together.

As if on cue, his phone rang. Dan glanced at the screen and lifted the phone to his ear. “Hey, Arin.”

“Dude,” Arin said. Dan could hear the buzzing of conversation in the background; Arin must still be at the aquarium. “Did you know that parrotfish hawk up a mucus bubble around their whole body when they sleep?”

“What’s a parrotfish?”

“They’ve got these little beaks. With teeth.”

“That sounds terrifying. Why do they sleep in their own mucus?” 

“To hide their smell from predators.”

“Fish hunt by _smell_?”

“How do you think they smell bait?”

“I didn’t know they smelled it. I thought they just saw it.”

“Well,” Arin said thoughtfully. “Sharks can smell blood, right?”

“Ugh,” Dan made a face that Arin couldn’t see. “They can. It’s the second biggest reason why I’m terrified of them.”

“What’s the first reason?”

“The fact that they fucking _eat people_ , Arin.”

“Most of them don’t.” Dan could tell Arin was smiling.

“They could, though. I don’t like things that are capable of eating people.”

“Many animals are capable of eating people. I’m capable of eating you, aren’t I?”

“I think you’ve proven that much already.”

Arin’s cackle resonated through the phone, and it was so contagious that Dan laughed too. “Anyway,” Arin said as their chuckles died down. “I was just calling to check in. We’re going to see a movie after this, so my phone’s going to be off for a while. How are you doing?”

“I’m pretty good. Working on getting stuff done around the house. I went for a walk earlier, and Dana called around noon. I’ve just been taking it easy.” He shoved his laptop off of his thighs and onto the coffee table and curled up on his side. “You guys are having fun, I take it?”

“Shit yeah, we are. You’d love it here. Suzy’s taking a video of a cuttlefish for you. And the sharks were awesome, you can go through this conveyer belt tunnel right underneath them. They’re huge.”

“I like cuttlefish. I don’t think I’d like the sharks.”

“Even sharks in aquariums freak you out?”

“A little bit.”

“Aw, Dan! I’d protect you.”

“From a shark?” Dan laughed. “How are you gonna do that?”

“I’d punch a shark in the face for you, Dan,” Arin declared. He could hear Suzy laugh in the background. 

“I miss you,” Dan said suddenly, gripping the phone a little tighter. “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. It’s been so long.”

Arin‘s voice softened. “I miss you, too.”

It was one of the changes that Dan would have to learn to adjust to. Arin had been at his side constantly through his recovery, but they both had their own separate lives. That was the choice Dan had made, when he decided to follow his heart and date a man who was already married. He had decided that Arin was worth it. And so far, he didn’t regret it for a second. It would be hard, but Dan had proven to himself that he was up to any challenge life could throw at him. He had learned a lot about himself after coming so close to death, but the most important thing he had learned was that there were things worth fighting for.

They chatted idly for a while longer, interrupted occasionally by Arin reading a new fact about marine life - “Did you know there’s a species of fish called the slippery dick?” - until the doorbell rang, and Dan jumped.

“Someone’s at the door,” Dan told Arin. “Hold on, I’ll call you back if you want.”

“It’s okay. I gotta go, anyway. Suzy wants to pet the stingrays.” A pause. “I want to pet them too. Jesus, they’re so goddamn cute.”

“Send me more pictures. I want to see them, too.”

“I will,” Arin said. “And I’ll text you after the movie. Love you, Danny.”

“Love you too, Arin.”

The knock came again, and Dan hurried to answer.

“Barry,” Dan said when he opened the door, blinking owlishly in the bright light. “Hey!”

“Sorry for the surprise visit,” Barry said, a little sheepish. 

“No, no, it’s fine.” Dan snarled out a yawn. “Come in.”

“Were you busy? Is it not a good time?”

“It’s always a good time, when it’s you.” Dan stepped back and gestured Barry inside. They’d lived together for so long that it still felt odd to have Barry ask permission to enter his living space. “I was trying to answer all of my emails, and then Arin called.” He yawned again.

“You’re tired, huh? I should have brought coffee.”

“I already had some this morning. I’m trying to cut down. I kept dozing off on the couch, though, and now I’ve got that weird nap hangover thing.”

“I hate that feeling.” Barry sat on the far end of the couch. 

“I’m used to it,” Dan laughed, scrubbing at his eyes with the heels of his palms. “I think I was up to five naps a day at one point. Felt like a zombie.”

“You’re doing a lot better now. You look more like yourself.”

“I feel more like myself. I had a check-up two days ago and I’m back to a normal weight.” His underwear had stopped falling off his hips and he could wear his normal jeans instead of the ones he’d shrunk in the laundry.

Barry looked him up and down. “I see it. Shit, dude, I can’t believe how fast you bounced back.”

Dan had heard the same thing from a multitude of people, his doctors and his new therapist included. He accepted the praise graciously enough, but it puzzled him at the same time. He felt like most of the credit went to his friends, and to Arin, who had carried him through the times when he felt like giving up. “I had a lot of help. And a lot of luck.”

“Still,” Barry reached out and put a hand on his arm as Dan sat beside him. “You’ve been so damn brave. I’m glad everything is getting back to normal for you.”

“You look good, too,” Dan studied his friend. Barry’s face was relaxed, and he no longer had the tense, wary look of an alley cat. His beard was neatly trimmed and his forehead and cheeks were slightly tinged pink from the sun, as if he had spent a day at the beach. “You’re getting out more?”

“Yeah. A lot more, actually. I - well. My, ah, my doctor. She put me on these pills.” 

Dan didn’t think that it was anything to be self-conscious about, but he could tell how much Barry was worrying about it. He didn’t want to come off as over-the-top, so kept his tone conversational, and all he said was, “What kind of pills?”

“Buspirone. Anti-anxiety.”

“And they help you deal with the agoraphobia and the nightmares?”

“Both, thank God.” Barry laughed and rubbed his arms. His fingers found the buttons on his plaid shirt and began to pick at one aimlessly. “I’m still a little off my game, but I don’t feel afraid to go outside anymore. It’s amazing, really. I was nervous about the side effects. Drowsiness, nausea, headaches…it’s just scary, you know? It’s such a gamble. The anxiety was already giving me headaches and nausea. What if the pills made it worse, and not better?”

“I understand,” Dan said with feeling. “I’ve been there. I know.”

“Your painkillers…”

“Addictive as hell, with side effects of depression and suicidal thoughts. I was terrified.”

“Yeah,” Barry nodded slowly. “I’ve been pretty damn terrified for these last two months, too. Scared out of my mind.”

“But we made it. And we’re gonna be okay.” Dan was certain of it. “We all pulled through. Arin told me that you were even recording some new stuff for your show.”

“Work’s been a good distraction for me,” Barry admitted. “It keeps me focused. My - therapist, she’s big on me making constant goals for myself. Focusing on progress, you know. Going back to work was a big one. I don’t get freaked out when I leave the house alone anymore, so…I felt I was ready.”

“I can’t wait to watch it.” Dan sipped his tea, and then added, nonchalantly, “I told Arin that I’d be good to go back to work on Monday. Will I see you there? Arin said something about all of us doing something for Steam Train.”

Barry’s whole face lit up. “Fuck yes, I’ll be there. You’re sure? You know, there’s no pressure - you can take as much time as you need.”

“I’m sure. I’m ready. I’m starting small. Arin and I are going to do shorter sessions, just five or six episodes. Maybe one-offs, maybe a replay of something easy. Mario Kart, I don’t know. Something that doesn’t require too much focus.”

“You’re a machine, dude.” Barry looked at him admiringly.

“I want things to go back to how they were. I want to tell everybody that I’m okay, too.”

“They know. Brian’s been giving the fans updates on Twitter.”

“I want to tell my own story. Most of it, anyway. There’s been so many rumours, even with Arin’s official video about what happened and the social media updates. It’s getting out of hand. Some people are saying that I’m trying to leave the show, or that Arin and I are fighting. I think the lovelies deserve to know the truth about why our channel practically shut down.”

“You sure you’re ready to do that? You don’t owe them anything, Dan. You know how much they love you - they’ll want you to focus on your own recovery. That‘s what‘s important.”

“I do, though. Barry, I owe them everything.” Dan waved a hand at his house in general. “Everything I have, I owe to Arin, or the rest of you guys, or the fans who’ve supported me.” 

Barry rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Sure. And you being the hardest-working guy I know had nothing to do with it. All the work you’ve done to improve your comedy, your improv, your singing. You’ve succeeded because you’re an amazing human being and you never stop getting better. You’re so dedicated to what you do, it’s a fucking inspiration to all of us. I love you, Dan, and I’m so fucking proud of you.”

Dan ducked his head, his cheeks burning. “It’s just video games. It’s not like I’m going back to doing hard labour, or something.”

“Yeah, well.” Barry waved this off. “I’m still damn proud of you and there's nothing you can do about it.”

Dan felt something catch in his throat and he didn’t know whether he wanted to cry or laugh. “I’m so fucking proud of you, too, Bar. For getting the help you need, and working so hard to get better. You’re amazing.”

Barry scooted over on the couch and hugged him. “You keep saying how we’re all responsible for your success. You do know that none of us would still be doing this if it weren’t for you, right? I was on the verge of quitting, from the Jon stuff. Arin was frustrated with everything. Suzy was stressed out, looking for work away from it all. Ross was ready to move to San Francisco to go to that art college thing full-time. You came along, like you always are - like a little ray of sunshine - and you made us all remember why we loved doing what we do.”

“Jesus, Barry.” Dan swallowed, moved by Barry’s words. He didn’t even know what to say. “I - wow. Thank you.”

“I need you to know how important you are,” Barry said. “I’m never going to let you forget how much you mean to me.”

Dan hugged him more tightly. “Right back at you, man.”

It was like old times, hanging out with Barry, just enjoying each other’s conversation and not doing anything in particular. The time slipped by so fast that Dan barely noticed how late it was getting. He paused the movie they were watching and turned to Barry. “Do you maybe want to stay for dinner?” 

“I don’t want to be any trouble. Were you going to make something?”

“I can toast a mean bagel,” Dan boasted, and Barry chuckled. “I might even have more than one kind of cream cheese. There’s frozen veggies, too. I’d just get take-out, but Arin told me that I can’t live off chicken satay and pad thai forever.”

“He’s right, but that hasn’t stopped you from trying before,” Barry laughed. He stood up and stretched his arms over his head. “You know what? I’ll take you out somewhere. My treat.”

“Ooh,” Dan perked up. “Sounds good, actually. Where do you wanna go?”

“What was that place you liked so much? The café we went to with Arin and Brian when we were driving back from San Diego.”

“The one where Arin said that the bisque was making his panties moist?”

“That’s it. I’ll drive us there.” Barry fished his car keys out of his pocket. “Grab your jacket, dude. It’s gonna get chilly later.”

Dan’s stomach rumbled hopefully. “That would be great, but we could just choose something closer to home. You don’t have to drive me so far. It’s still rush hour, it’s gonna be nuts.”

Barry just gave him a look. “Danny, if you think I wouldn’t drive a hell of a lot farther than Anaheim for you, then I don’t know what to tell you.”

**

“Hey baby,” Arin rumbled in his ear. “What are you wearing?” 

Dan shifted the phone to his other hand and flopped backward on the bed, laughing. It was eleven o’clock at night, and Arin had called him out of the blue. “Are we really doing this?” 

“I miss you.”

“You’re gonna see me in less than twelve hours,” Dan pointed out. 

“I still miss you, though.”

“Point. I miss you too.” Dan looked down at himself. “I’m wearing jeans, sneakers, and the 1979 Hemispheres tour t-shirt that Vernon got me.”

“Hmmm,” Arin said. “Predictable, but sexy.”

“Well, what are _you_ wearing?” Dan countered.

“Wouldn’t you love to know,” Arin purred right back, and Dan could hear the grin in his voice. 

“You can’t pressure me into telling you first and then try and act all coy,” Dan huffed.

“Okay, okay. I’m wearing…skin-tight white briefs, almost see-through. And that A-shirt you love on me. It’s riding up on my stomach…”

Suzy called out, “He’s naked except for black socks, and his Nasaline nostril expander things that make him look like an angry dragon.”

“Suzy!” Arin cried. 

“You actually wear socks?” Dan wondered out loud. “Wow, I learn something new every day.”

“They’re not even his,” Suzy said. “They‘re mine, and they have little bows on the ankles. He didn’t even ask to borrow them.” 

“She stole my shirt, Dan,” Arin told him. “She’s using it as a nightgown.”

“It looks better on me.”

“It does,” Arin admitted. “No contest.”

Dan pictured Arin and Suzy cuddled up together, two of the cutest and sweetest people in the world. He shifted the phone to the other ear, grinning so hard his face hurt. “Give my angry dragon a big smooch for me, will you, Scuze?”

“Of course.”

He heard Arin smack his lips exaggeratedly through the phone, and smiled. “Goodnight, you guys. Play nice.”

“Night, Dan!” The more tired Suzy was, the softer her voice became. Dan rolled over in bed and grabbed the stuffed stegosaurus she’d given him. Suzy was kind and selfless and nurturing. Dan didn’t feel one ounce of jealousy and was glad to know that it. This relationship was unconventional, but it was working.

Arin’s voice was rough and deep in Dan’s ear as he said, “Goodnight, Leigh. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Love you more.”

“Love you the most,” Dan said, “so I win.”

Arin just laughed at him. “I doubt like hell that’s true. Sleep well, Danny.”

**

 _Just breakfast,_ Dan told himself firmly, _just breakfast with Arin, it’s nothing new_ \- but he dressed up anyway. As dressed up as one could get for breakfast, anyway. He had a nice pair of dark wash jeans that were actually fitted to his butt, or what little butt he had to speak of, and a burgundy T-shirt that didn’t feature the worn-out logo of an eighties band. His leather jacket was fine; the tighter jeans made it look more rockstar and less grunge. Dan pulled his hair into a ponytail and tried to slick down the curls that stuck out by his temples. Without his unkempt beard, and without hair hiding his face, Dan a little exposed.

Taking pride in his appearance was just another one of those little things that Dan had a new appreciation for. 

_It’s not a date,_ he reminded himself, even as he turned his smooth face from side to side to admire the different angles in the mirror, the way he looked so much younger and more vibrant. 

But what if it was?

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Arin’s car pulling in. Dan hurried to the door to meet him.

He’d expected Arin to be in sweats and a hoodie, or maybe his current favourite red plaid shirt, but he surprised Dan by showing up in a soft grey button-down shirt Dan was sure he’d never seen Arin wear before, and jeans, which Arin generally hated. _He dressed up for me, too._

“Arin,” was all Dan had time to say before Arin was kissing him, curling his hands around Dan’s hips and pressing himself close as he sucked Dan’s bottom lip into his mouth. Startled, Dan moaned into Arin’s mouth and kissed him back, just as hard.

When they parted, Dan gasped for breath and laughed. “G’morning to you, too. If any of my neighbours were watching, we just gave them quite a show.”

“Sorry,“ Arin said without looking sorry at all. “I forgot how sexy you look with a ponytail. And your beard is gone.” 

Dan’s hand went to his smooth face. “You like it?”

“Well, I like the beard too, but I had to know what it felt like to kiss you without it. It’s a nice change.” 

Dan felt giddy. There were butterflies in his stomach. This _was_ a date, it was different than hanging out as friends or eating together in front of the TV at Arin’s place. “Come inside for a bit,” he said. “Unless you’re too hungry, and wanna leave right now?”

But Arin had noticed Dan’s tight jeans and now wore a slightly dazed expression. He hadn’t heard a word. “What?”

Dan grinned. “Just come here.” He turned away, swinging his hips a little for emphasis.

Arin closed the door and nearly tripped over his feet in his haste to follow close behind. When they got close enough to the couch, Arin tumbled him down onto it, his heavy frame pinning him in place. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at Dan. “Hey,” he said. “Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt? Throwing me on the couch? I’m fine, man, it takes more than that to - ”

“I meant when you fell from heaven.” 

Dan made a face and swatted him on the arm. “Oh, my God, what are you, fourteen? You don‘t need a pickup line, you‘re already _on top of me_.”

“How ‘bout this one - are you sandpaper? Cause I want you to rub my wood.”

They both dissolved into laughter. “And they said romance was dead,” Dan shook his head. “Hey, I’ve got one for you, too. Did you hear about Pluto?”

Arin raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean? Like, how it’s not a planet, but just a satellite?”

“Yeah. Well, I mean, it’s a dwarf planet, but - never mind, that’s not the point. The point is that there’re only eight planets now. And after tonight, it’ll be seven, because I’m gonna destroy Uranus.”

“Oh, my God,” Arin wheezed, collapsing on top of Dan and rolling to the side when Dan squawked indignantly . He threw his head back and cackled himself breathless, clutching his stomach, his legs kicking in the air. Beside him, Dan giggled until he felt like he was going to piss his pants. The sound of Arin totally losing it was never not funny. 

_Some things never change_ , Dan thought fondly, hiccupping. _We’re just like we were before. The same two dorks._

And then Arin rolled back on top of him and kissed him, cutting his laugh short, and Dan thought, _Okay, maybe a little better than before._

He could get used to this.

They didn’t make it to the restaurant until eleven thirty. Arin’s shirt was rumpled and Dan’s once-neat hair was all over the place, and neither of them gave a damn.

**

Dan sat down on the Grump couch almost reverently as he looked around with wide eyes. He hadn’t expected it to feel like this. Seeing the N64 with an actual layer of dust on its matte black surface made him feel a pang in his chest. The whole place had been nearly deserted for two months. 

“It’s good to be back,” Dan murmured to nobody in particular. He turned his face to the side to press his cheek against the back of the couch. It still smelled like Arin after all these weeks.

“How are you feeling?” Arin sat next to him, on his left like always. _Where he belongs._ “What did you want to play?”

“I’m feeling a little anxious, but mostly good. Something…not violent or difficult, maybe?”

“A classic?” Arin got up to switch the console, bringing in one of their Super Nintendos instead. “Super Mario 2? Suzy said we could start from her save file at world four.”

“The one with the snow and the whales and the crazy fireball boss? Sounds great.” Dan’s words were honest but his tone fell flat. As much as he wanted to pretend that there hadn’t been a two-month break and just act like nothing had changed, he knew it would be impossible. Their fans deserved an explanation, too. 

_How do I even begin?_

They weren’t going public with their relationship. Dan owed his loyal fans something, but not every deeply personal detail of his life. But their romance and Dan’s road to recovery were so intertwined that Dan couldn’t fathom how to downplay Arin’s role.

Dan gripped the controller and felt the smooth familiar curves dig into his palms. Suddenly he felt a lump in his throat. There was no way the fans wouldn’t notice something was different about them, surely they’d all be waiting on some grand masterpiece after weeks without a single episode, and all three plus million of their subscribers would be eagerly awaiting some harrowing tale of drama and adventure, the comments full of anger on all the series they’d put aside and the lack of updates from Dan himself -

Arin touched his arm. “I could play something with Ross and the fans would be just as happy.”

“This is my job,” Dan insisted. “I need to do it. I need to know that I _can_ do it.”

“I know you can do it.” Arin kissed his cheek. “You know what, let’s take half an hour or so just to relax and enjoy being here.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dan released his vicelike grip on the controller and let Arin comfort him. Arin massaged his tense shoulders until Dan closed his eyes, and then gently pushed him onto his stomach and began working on his upper back.

“Feels good?” Arin asked.

Dan nodded, humming.

Arin’s hands slid dangerously low. “How about now?” he asked innocently, squeezing Dan’s ass.

Dan squirmed. “You’re gonna give me a huge boner.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Barry specifically said no sex on the Grump couch.”

“But did he say anything about the bean bag chairs?” Arin stood up and pulled Dan with him. He threw himself onto one, rolled on his back, and made grabby hand motions until Dan came and straddled him.

“I’m pretty sure he meant no sex at work in general.” Dan sat on Arin’s thighs. He groaned as Arin’s hands snaked around to grab his ass again. Now he really was getting hard. “You’re not serious, right?”

“Full service,” Arin whispered in his ear, “just like Susan. Now come over here and work on these tits.”

“Aaaand, there goes the boner.”

Arin slid a hand between his legs and Dan gasped. “Huh. Doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere.”

“ _Arin!_ ” 

Arin took advantage of the moment to tickle Dan’s stomach. Dan retaliated by pinching Arin’s nipple, and before he knew it they were making out like teenagers, right there in the Grump space. _We could have been doing this for years,_ Dan thought as Arin’s fingers wound through his hair. He hadn’t realized he’d spoken aloud until Arin breathed back, “Then let’s make up for all the missed opportunities.”

When Dan collapsed back onto the Grump couch, his anxiety was gone. His lips felt swollen and his neck was tingling from the scrape of Arin’s beard. 

“Feeling better?” Arin asked.

“God, yes.”

The warmth of Arin’s hand on his thigh made Dan sit a little straighter. Arin gave him so much strength; he’d always been there for him, through the bad times and the good. Everything in this room was full of good memories and positive vibes.

 _This is us,_ Dan thought. _This is all I want, all I need. I can do this. I can do anything._

He picked up the controller, and nodded at Arin. 

“Let’s do this.”

**

“I didn’t know you were coming,” Dan said to Brian as he pulled out a chair. They’d recorded for an hour, only about three episodes’ worth of time - it had taken a while for Dan to tell his story and express his endless gratitude, and he figured a long episode was the least he could do to make up for the weeks without any. “Are you going to be recording the Steam Train with us, too?”

Brian shrugged and offered Dan one of the Starbucks cups from the cardboard tray. “I didn’t need a reason to come see you, did I?”

“I would have invited you,” Dan sipped from his cup, “but I thought you’d be busy. Doesn’t Rachel normally have the gang over for improv class?”

“She moved this week’s class to Wednesday. She knows it’s your big day. She said to send you all her love.” He looked around. “How does it feel, having everything back to normal around here?”

“Define _normal_ ,” Dan said, amused, as he watched Arin and Ross break into a swordfighting match with two long cardboard rolls.

“Good point.” Brian knocked their paper cups together lightly and drank. “Whatever it is, it feels like coming home.”

Dan nodded. “I had a lot of fun. It‘s a little scary to think about how much I have to do, though.” The work had piled up like crazy when they had all been gone.”

“Or you could rest,” Brian suggested, gently, “and I can take care of everything else.”

Dan frowned. “Easier said than done, man. The tour we postponed? We haven’t even started to discuss what we’re going to do. My vocals need so much training, I need to get in better shape, we have to have that meeting with Brent and that producer guy…” Dan sighed and glanced at his phone. “I spent all day Tuesday trying to answer emails, and now I have a hundred more. I don’t know where I’m going to find the time to do all of this. I still have a few doctor’s appointments to get to this month, and I have my therapist on Fridays.”

“You’re not doing it alone.” Brian squeezed his hand. 

“I can’t just keep expecting people to do things for me now that I’m healed,” Dan objected. “What’s my excuse?”

“First of all, you don’t need an excuse. Second of all, if you did need an excuse, is there any better one than almost dying, twice? We’re a team,” Brian said firmly. “And I don’t care if you need me to do fifty percent of the work, or ninety-five. I’ll do it for you. We’d do anything for you. All you have to do is ask.”

Dan looked at Brian, the man who hadn’t ever let anything come between them, the man who had driven back and forth from Michigan and then flown all the way from England for him and for their band. The man who had travelled the country and the world in pursuit of his own dreams and a career, who had formed a family, and still always found time for Danny, no matter what. “I know you would,” he said, and hugged his friend. “You’ve done so much for me over the years. I love you for it.”

“You’re a part of me,” Brian said, his hand smoothing Dan’s hair. “You’ll always be a part of me.”

“Like an extra nipple?” 

“More like my spleen,” Brian said solemnly.

“Easily removed if necessary?”

“Oh, fuck you.” Brian barked out a laugh. “I meant you’re right next to my heart.”

“Brian…” Dan had to press his hands into his eyes. He’d always been an emotional guy, but lately he felt like a leaky faucet. _How did I get so lucky, to have friends like these?_

“Also, while one can get by without a spleen, it does serve many important functions. It is a part of the immune system, acting like a filter for your blood cells. ”

“Yes, Professor,” Dan rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

Brian grabbed his hand again. “You sure you don’t wanna rest for a bit, let me call Brent about that meeting? We have to give the band a call, too. TWRP wants to schedule some more dates with The Device, and it conflicts with the plans we made for NSP. You need to save your energy for the Steam Train.”

It was tempting to agree and just lay back and close his eyes, but - “I’ll handle things with Brent.”

“If you’re sure…”

“We’re a team, remember?” Dan stood and stretched, and for the first time in a long time, he was the one to extend a hand to help Brian to his feet. They looked at each other and smiled. 

“I can do this,” Dan said. 

“You can do fucking anything,” Brian agreed.

The sweet moment was ruined by Ross bouncing up behind him and thrusting the cardboard tube between his legs with a cackle. Dan made a grab for it, missed, and got a whack on his butt for his trouble.

“Too slow, old man,” Ross grinned, tapping him on the head when Dan turned around.

“Bold words for someone who sneaks up behind an unarmed man,” Brian said dryly.

Dan held out his arm. “I want a tube too. Gimme. You’re going down so hard.” 

“There’s only two. They’re both mine, but Arin stole one. Holly bought posters,” Ross explained, waving it over Dan’s head. “I always get the tubes.”

“Avenge me, Arin,” Dan cried dramatically, and Arin charged forward, wielding his flimsy weapon with both hands.

Barry put his headphones on, shaking his head and smiling.

 _It feels like coming home,_ Brian had said, and Dan couldn’t think of a better way to describe it.

**

After the work day was done, they all went for a spontaneous walk in Griffith Park, followed by meeting Vernon for fancy green tea hemp ice cream, and then a movie at Ross and Holly’s. By the time Arin pulled up to his house, it was late in the evening. Dan ordered Thai food and let Arin pull him onto the couch after he was finished eating. He put his head in Arin’s lap and curled up like a cat, yawning. To celebrate his return to work, Suzy had decided to plan a sleepover with one of her friends so Dan and Arin could have the house to themselves. 

“What is this?”

Dan turned his head to look at what Arin meant. He had left his laptop open after ordering his food online, and Arin was looking at the screen. 

“Can I see?” Arin asked sweetly, petting Dan like a cat. 

Dan couldn’t refuse Arin anything. “Sure,” he said, a bit nervously. 

“Lyrics,” Arin said, after he’d been reading for a few minutes. “You’re writing lyrics. Or poetry?”

“Sort of,” Dan said. “When I can’t sleep, it’s been good to work on something. I mean, it’s not like I can use them for NSP or Starbomb…”

“They’re fucking _good_ , Danny.” Arin blinked a few times. Dan pressed his cheek against Arin’s thigh and remembered the words he’d typed on that long sleepless night, his head full of the dreams he’d almost conquered, the dreams of falling down and down beyond the veil and into oblivion where Arin couldn’t reach him. “When did you get so - deep?”

“I was thinking of you,” Dan mumbled. “About all the stuff I almost lost and how grateful I am that I’m still here.” He’d poured out his soul, and Arin was peering right at it. 

Arin slid a hand under his head, turning his face upward. Dan lifted his chin so Arin could lean down and kiss him. “Still here,” Arin repeated in a murmur. “Damn right. And you’re not going anywhere until you’re old and grey and we’ve done everything we’ve ever wanted to do.”

“With you,” Dan raised a hand and touched Arin’s face. “Only if I have you.”

“Always,” Arin answered softly. “As if I’d ever have it any other way.”

They kissed again, and Dan’s blood stirred. He struggled to lift himself up. Arin helped him sit on his lap with his ass planted squarely in Arin’s lap and his arms clutching the back of the couch behind Arin’s head. He could feel Arin’s arousal pressing against his ass.

“’Until we’ve done everything we’ve wanted to do’”, Dan quoted, licking the shell of Arin’s ear. “Is there maybe something you want to do, right now, with me?”

“Dan,” Arin almost whispered, shivering.

“Because you know what I wanna do to you, Arin?” Dan ran his fingers through Arin’s hair, tipping his head back. 

He expected a cocky answer, but Arin gazed at him dumbly, his mouth trying to form words. Finally he managed, “Wh-what do…you wanna do to me?”

“Take a wild guess.” Dan nipped at Arin’s throat. Fuck, he loved seeing Arin like this, so overwhelmed that he could barely stand up. Arin was normally so boisterous and confident. It gave Dan a thrill to know that he could make the self-assured man fall apart with nothing but his hands and a whispered word. He pressed his hips forward, grinding against Arin as best as he could with his long legs awkwardly bent on either side. 

Arin groaned and gripped Dan’s bicep. “Fuck, Dan,” Arin closed his eyes as Dan slipped a hand between them and cupped the outline of Arin’s cock.

“That’s the general idea,” Dan said, and they both laughed, giddy with anticipation. Then Dan’s hand moved further back, sliding up the cleft of Arin’s ass, and Arin’s laugh turned into a groan.

“I want you,” Dan told him, the heat in his groin becoming increasingly unbearable. “I want to make love to you.”

“Fuck, yes,” Arin said hoarsely. “I have the stuff we’ll need in my bedroom. Come on.”

“Not yet.”

Arin groaned again. “Why not? You wanna make me beg for it, or what?”

“Because,” Dan said, “this couch is at the perfect height for me to be comfortable doing this.” He slid off of Arin’s lap and onto his knees in front of him. 

“Oh my God,” was all Arin had. He gripped the arm of the couch, his knuckles whitening. “Please, please yes.”

“Mmm,” Dan hummed, popping the button on Arin’s pants. Arin scrambled to help, lifting his butt up to get his boxers down far enough for his cock to spring free. The scent of Arin’s arousal was intoxicating, and Dan took him in hand almost reverently. 

He looked up, and their eyes met. Arin’s cock jerked and Dan gave it a squeeze, keeping his gaze on Arin as he leaned closer to kiss the wetness from the velvety head. The pre-come stuck to his bottom lip as he pulled away, and Arin’s mouth fell open. Dan kept that image of Arin in his head as he closed his eyes and bent his head low, taking him in.

“You’re gonna fucking kill me, Danny.” The muscles in Arin’s thighs flexed. 

Dan loved pleasing his partner in bed, finding it much more thrilling to watch them shudder and fall apart because of him than it was to focus on getting himself off. He relaxed his throat and tried to go as far down as he could. He wasn’t very good at it - he was able to take down only about half of Arin’s length, and even then, his eyes began to water. But Arin rewarded him with encouraging moans and sighs, and Dan had to awkwardly get a hand between his own legs to undo his fly and relieve the straining pressure of his own erection. 

“Fuck, you’re good at this,” Arin moaned. “And you like it, fuck. Look at you, touching yourself. That’s so fucking hot.”

Dan bobbed his head up and down, taking in as much as he could, then pulled off to breathe. He kissed the inside of Arin’s thigh and looked up at him. “Touch my hair?” 

Arin nodded and stroked his hair, his nails scratching lightly at Dan’s scalp. Dan loved to have his hair played with, loved the feeling of Arin’s hands on him. Encouraged, Dan smiled up at him before licking a line from base to tip, and again, like he was licking a popsicle. His tongue flicked at the underside of the head, swirled circles around it, and he memorized Arin’s startled moan and the way his dick twitched every time Dan’s tongue ran over his slit.

“Where did you learn how to do this?” Arin moaned as Dan’s mouth plunged back down his length. His hand tightened in Dan’s hair, and the light pull made Dan moan. “Sorry, fuck. Didn’t mean to - ”

Dan pulled off and said, “You can pull as hard as you want. I love it.”

“Yeah?” Arin pulled harder and Dan let out an embarrassingly loud moan. “Oh, fuck, Danny.” 

Arin was and didn’t try to make Dan take more than he already had. Dan used his hand to stroke what he couldn’t fit in his mouth, and Arin didn’t seem to mind his lack of experience or finesse. Dan couldn’t stop making noise, his moans muffled by Arin’s _cock_ , holy fuck. He was drooling down his own chin and he didn’t even care. Dan felt like he could do this forever, just let himself go and let Arin take what he needed.

“Danny,” Arin rumbled after three minutes, or maybe thirty - Dan couldn’t tell, everything was hazy and dim, his mind solely focused on the task in front of him. “As much as I hate to say it, you should probably slow down, before…I mean, if you want to go any further…”

Dan pulled off again, panting. He swallowed the excess saliva in his mouth and wipred his chin. _This is really happening._ He kissed Arin’s manhood one last time, and then Arin held out a hand and helped him to his feet. 

Dan thought that he had never seen Arin look as beautiful as he did in this moment, his silky hair sticking out all over with static from the back of the couch and his lips parted as he gasped for breath. He kissed Dan hard, not caring about the taste of himself on Dan’s tongue. 

“Come on,” Arin tugged at his wrist. “Please, please, don’t make me wait anymore. Waited for you forever. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about this, okay, don’t make me wait anymore. I want you.”

“Patience,” Dan said, but he almost tripped over his own feet in his haste to get up the stairs. Once inside Arin’s room, Arin pushed him against the wall.

“Clothes off,” Arin yanked Dan’s shirt over his head and followed it with his own. “Now.”

“You look amazing,” Dan told him, breathless.“You’re so goddamn beautiful, Arin.”

Arin shuffled out of his own pants and then pulled Dan’s jeans and boxers down his hips in one smooth motion. “So are you.” 

They both took a moment to appreciate the view in front of them. Arin’s body was fucking incredible, broad and masculine, soft and curvy, so big and strong and sensual that it drove Dan half-mad with lust. 

They were the same height, and Dan had never appreciated that fact so much before as he did now. When they embraced, their cocks slid up against each other perfectly. Arin cupped his tiny hips and pulled them closer together, his breath hot and moist in Dan’s ear as he whispered, “I can’t wait for you to be inside me.”

Dan walked forward, pushing Arin back until his legs his the mattress. Arin fell straight down, bouncing slightly on the mattress, and shuffled around until his head was propped up on the pillows. 

“Coming?” Arin asked archly. The sight of him lying there, naked and willing and wanting, was enough to make Dan wonder if he hadn’t made it to heaven after all.

“Hold on,” Dan managed to say as he opened the top drawer of Arin’s nightstand. His fingers fumbled at the little foil packet and he came close to dropping the bottle of lube. He was shaking, full of nervous excitement. 

Arin looked at the condom and then back at Dan, the question plain on his face. “I didn’t know if you wanted…I bought them because I know we should be safe.”

“It’s up to you,” Dan said, just as slowly. “I’ve been tested…and I know you have too. Not that you’re gonna catch much when you’ve been with the same person pretty much all your life.”

“I trust you,” Arin said. “I’d rather we not use it if we don’t have to.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I want to feel all of you.” Arin’s smile was full of promises. “Now come here.”

Dan groaned, feeling heat flood his body. He was hard as a rock, his manhood hot and heavy and throbbing. He climbed onto the bed, lube in hand, and pushed Arin’s legs apart. “Let me get you ready.”

Arin tipped his head back and bent his knees. They’d done this before - Arin liked his long fingers and wasn’t afraid to ask for it - and when Dan’s slick fingers found Arin’s hole, he was met with little resistance. Dan kissed the inside of Arin’s thigh and thrust his fingers in and out, curling them the way Arin had taught him and finding the little nub inside that made Arin moan and rock against his hand. Dan kept to a rhythm, trying to remember how to breathe as he felt how soft and warm Arin felt inside and wondered how good it would feel to press his cock inside. 

“Your fucking fingers,” Arin moaned, squirming and spreading his legs even wider. “You’re so good with them, jesus.”

Dan twisted his hand and used the pads of his fingertips to tap the sensitive bump. Arin rewarded him with more of those breathy moans that sounded like music to Dan’s ears. Arin had never taken more than two of his fingers, but when Dan pulled out and pressed back in with three, Arin gasped out his name.

“You’re so tight,” Dan was in awe. He didn’t see how his cock was even going to fit. He used his free hand to cup Arin’s balls, running a finger gently down the seam, and then up the length of his dick. 

Arin’s hole squeezed around his fingers, and it was Dan’s turn to groan at the feeling. “Please, Dan,” Arin whispered shakily. “I’m ready. I need more. I need you.”

“Okay,” Dan whispered, his confidence faltering at the weight of the trust Arin was giving him. He slipped his fingers out and squeezed a mountain of lube into his palm. He stroked the slippery gel over his manhood, hissing a little at how sensitive he was. “Okay, yeah, just - tell me what to do, if I’m not doing it right. And if I’m hurting you, fucking say something.”

“You won’t hurt me. I’m probably going to have to tell you to stop being so gentle.” Arin grabbed one of the pillows behind his head, wedged it under his butt, and beckoned Dan to come settle between his thighs. They both moaned as Dan’s cockhead nudged at Arin’s loosened hole. Arin hoisted his legs up, urging Dan forward, and just like that, Dan was sliding in.

 _“Yes,_ ” Arin cried, his voice cracking. He squeezed his eyes shut and clutched at Dan’s shoulders like he was drowning. “Oh, God, yes.”

“Arin,“ Dan gasped. He had to stop halfway, his head spinning. It felt too good to be real. He looked down at where they were joined and felt a powerful jolt. “Oh, Arin, you feel so good.”

Arin was so tight around him, it _had_ to hurt, and yet Arin was trying to pull him closer as he babbled, “Dan, fuck, yes, fill me up, keep going, yes, Danny, I love it,” and Dan’s fears dissolved. He couldn’t resist Arin’s pleas. Groaning, he angled his hips and pressed in all the way, hissing a little at the incredible pressure around him.

“You’re okay?” he whispered, feeling Arin clench tentatively around his length. His eyes were still closed. “This doesn’t hurt?”

Arin shook his head. “It’s not my first time. You can stop worrying. I’m not made of glass, I won’t break.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Dan. There was nothing but desire in his gaze. “I have a toy, almost as big as you. I was - I was practicing with it yesterday. It was amazing. You - you‘re so much better, so much warmer in me. I love it.”

Dan couldn’t help the noise he made. His eyes widened and his hips jerked. Arin gasped, his eyes fluttering closed again. “Jesus, Arin, that’s hot.” He drew himself out slowly, and pushed back in inch by inch. The sight of his cock disappearing into Arin’s tight hole was like nothing he’d ever seen before.

“Fuck,” Arin writhed. “Do that again, but harder?”

“Like this?” Dan thrust again, more deeply but still nice and slow.

“Yes, fuck, just like that. Please, Danny, please, _fuck_ me already.”

“Eager little thing.” Dan felt Arin trying to rock up against him, urging him on. But Dan liked to tease. He bent to kiss Arin, just barely moving his hips as his tongue slipped into Arin’s mouth. 

When they parted, Arin grabbed his hair. His eyes were blazing. “Just give it to me, Danny, _please._ ”

“God, _Arin._ ” The lube was lying on its side on the nightstand close to the edge. Dan’s arm was just long enough to reach it. Opening the cap, he leaned back and squeezed more of the cool gel on his cock and on the rim of Arin’s hole, stretched around him. The bottle was dropped somewhere on the floor, and Dan thrust smoothly to the hilt. Arin fucking _whimpered_ , a tiny _yes_ falling from his lips, and when Dan shifted his knees and changed the angle, Arin squeezed around him and yelled his name and Dan forgot all about going slow. 

The mattress creaked as their bodies moved as one. Arin was as loud and demanding as Dan knew he’d be, wanting it harder, faster, deeper, just _more, Dan, give me more, right there_ , and Dan did his best to give him what he asked for. 

“Don’t stop,” Arin’s heels dug into his back. “Don’t fucking stop, don’t ever stop.”

Dan certainly had no intention of stopping, but kept the rhythm going, steady and maddeningly slow. Arin’s begging had gotten him so worked up, but he couldn’t lose control and come before Arin did. Gritting his teeth, Dan aimed for Arin’s prostate every time he pushed in, listening to the man’s moans get louder and higher pitched. He was dripping with sweat, and his body ached with exertion, but watching Arin’s blissed-out face was worth the ache. Everything felt so good and Dan couldn’t remember any girl ever making him feel like this before. 

“Come on, baby,” Dan encouraged. He grabbed Arin’s leg and awkwardly hoisted it up onto his shoulder. The new angle made everything tighter. Arin gasped and shuddered, then yelled as Dan began to fuck him harder. He could push in deeper than before like this, and from the sounds Arin was making, it felt amazing for both of them. Dan grinned, wrapped a hand around Arin’s cock, and stroked him in time with his thrusts. “Come on, Arin, let me see you come for me.”

Arin’s back arched up off the bed as Dan hit his spot again and again in fast, hard strokes. “Danny,” he whimpered, sounding fucking _wrecked_ in the best way possible. “Danny, please yes, right there, yes, _fuck_ \- !”

Dan felt Arin’s body tighten _everywhere_ , felt warmth spill over his fingers, Arin’s hole clenching firmly and holding Dan prisoner deep inside. Dan groaned at the pressure. It took every ounce of willpower he possessed to hold himself still as he gently milked Arin through his orgasm. 

“Fuck,” Arin whimpered with a final shudder, his arms falling limply at his sides. 

“You want me to pull out?” Dan whispered, unsure. It felt like Arin had gone soft around the edges. He wasn’t sure if it hurt Arin to have Dan inside after he’d already reached his climax. 

Arin shook his head. “You can - you can keep going.”

“You’re sure?”

“Please,” Arin looked at him with half-lidded eyes. “I want you to come inside me.”

It was Dan’s turn to whimper. He kissed Arin’s panting mouth and let Arin’s leg slip off his shoulder. Arin wasn’t as tight anymore but it still felt incredible. Dan moaned, thinking about how Arin was all stretched and open from being fucked. Arin’s strength was gone and he could barely keep his legs up around Dan’s sides, limiting Dan to shallow thrusts, but it didn’t matter, because all it took to push him over the edge was Arin’s face, looking at him like he was the answer to everything, and Dan remembered that he was in love. 

He gasped once, gave a wordless cry, and thrust deeply into Arin as he tipped over the edge and came harder than he ever had before. It was the longest orgasm Dan could remember, his body shaking as Arin’s hands wound into his hair, hearing Arin whisper “fuck, Danny, I can feel you, filling me up - ” and Dan bit hard at Arin’s neck, lost in his ecstasy.

“I love you,” he whispered, frantic. “Love you, love you so much,” and Arin was echoing his every word with equal passion.

The world went pleasantly fuzzy as Dan came down from the height of his pleasure. He stayed inside Arin for some time, kissing the red mark he’d made on Arin’s creamy throat. When he reached down to gently extract himself, Arin made a noise at the loss and held on to him more tightly. Dan rolled to the side with a soft groan. 

Arin groped blindly for his hand, murmuring, “You alright?”

“Mmm,” Dan stretched and felt the aching muscles in his hips and legs. “I’m good. Better than good. That was fucking _incredible._ ”

Arin nodded fervently. “I don’t even know if my legs work right now.”

“Does it hurt?”

“I’m a little sore,” Arin said. He laughed and blew a piece of hair out of his eyes. “In a good way, though. I like it.”

“Good.” Dan pulled at his hand, wanting to cuddle. He had everything he wanted in life, and he couldn’t be more satisfied than he was in this moment. Or more in love. “C’mere, snuggle man.”

“I’m sort of, uh…” Arin shifted and made a face. “I think I need to clean up a bit. Before I ruin the sheets.”

“I hate to tell you this,“ Dan quirked an eyebrow, “but I think they’re past saving.”

Arin laughed, stretched, and slowly got to his feet. He padded off to the bathroom and Dan quickly stood up to follow, enjoying the view. Arin had dimples in his back. Dan reminded himself to kiss them the next time he had a chance.

They washed their hands and wiped up the worst of the mess with damp washcloths, snatching kisses in between. Too wired to sleep, they put on their underwear and tromped downstairs to watch some mindless cartoon or whatever happened to be on. Arin brought the pillows from his bed so they’d be more comfortable.

“You want anything?” Arin asked him as he headed into the kitchen and opened the fridge. “Water?”

“Tea?” Dan was hopeful. “That green blend that you and Suzy always have.”

“Caffeine, at this hour?”

“Hmm. Right.” It was past eleven-thirty, which was late for Dan and very early for Arin. “Maybe not.”

“How about a hot chocolate?” Arin suggested.

“Ooh,” Dan said, “With marshmallows?”

“The marshiest,” Arin promised. Dan heard the _thunk_ of the kettle. “Only the finest of beverages for my Leigh D. Avidan.” He mispronounced this as _Lady Avidan._

“Oh, I’m no lady,” Dan answered archly, and Arin chuckled.

Within several minutes Arin was back at his side, and there were two steaming mugs on the table in front of him. Dan blew on the hot liquid and tried to eat the marshmallows from the surface without burning his tongue as Arin flipped through the channels until he settled on a movie. It was mostly background noise; both men were content to keep their eyes on each other.

Once they’d sipped the liquid down far enough not to spill, Arin nudged his mug against Dan’s. “Toast?“

“Sure.” Dan curled his long fingers through the fine handle and clinked the cups together, smiling at Arin. 

“To you,” Arin said, “for never giving up. For being here with me. For making me laugh every day of my life for the past six years.”

“To _you_ ,” Dan countered. “For everything you’ve given me. This career, this life I always dreamed about, it’s all thanks to you. You gave me a reason to fight.”

“To us, then?”

“To us,” Dan echoed.

Together, they drank. And later, they slept, after they’d worn out their tongues talking about everything and nothing at once. 

Arin fell asleep first, with a vague smile on his lips. Dan kissed his slack mouth, took his hand, and pressed it against his scar, over his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient through these irregular updates! I'm so incredibly grateful for the kudos and comments. I hope you all know how much they mean to be. From the bottom of my heart - thank you.


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